Happy holidays

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Formspring question

You say that when you were in chastity "I did  and said some things I probably shouldn't have done/said".  That's the point of chastuty,guy.  It takes you into dark places.

That might be true, but I'm not sure I want to be taken into those dark places again. I'm a rational guy, and being taken over by emotions and desires I never before experienced is very scary to me. On the other hand, I'm still intrigued by long-term chastity, and I wonder how it would be like to be locked up for another month - or longer. It's one of those things I'm in two minds about, but for now and in the foreseeable future, I think I'm going to focus on the things I am 100% behind. I still have plenty of time to explore those dark places - when I'm ready.

Ask me anything

more complaining...

There were a couple of things I should've added to my previous entry, a comment by cotopaxi (one of the good guys I met through recon!) reminded me of them:

1)
him: nice profile, interested in meeting up?
me: well, what would you like to do with me?
him: (stuff I like) (stuff I'm not into)
me: okay, but I'm not into (stuff)
him: sure, no problem
me: okay, so when can we meet up? Where do you live?

...and that's where the conversation ends.

2)
him: nice profile, do you have a face pic?
me: *sends face pic*

...and that's where the conversation ends.
I hate this even more than the first type. I've even had this happen with a guy who sent me his face pic first. He wasn't the best looking guy on recon (and I'm being very mild here), but I didn't really care, I'm not a supermodel myself and it's not like I'm on that site to find a boyfriend or anything. So I thought "why not?" and sent him my picture. No reply.
The face pic thing only happens with younger guys (so far), and as much as I like complaining about all of this, it doesn't happen that often. Those weird short messages I talked about in my previous entry are much more common.

I read a lot of "no fat people" on some profiles. While it's fine to have a preferencial body type, it annoys me reading this. First of all, "fat" is such a broad term. When is someone actually fat? Are we going by the BMI guidelines? If so, how many points above the ideal weight can someone be before he's considered as "fat"? According to my BMI, I'm on my ideal weight. I've always been underweight, but in recent years I've built up some fat in my belly and hips. So now that I finally have my "ideal weight", I look fatter than I should be. Does that make sense to anyone? I'm just mentioning this because I think this pseudo-science and social conventions on the topic of weight are very, very stupid.
Also, if I was a master, I think I'd rather have a "fat" slave that's really responsive and into our game, than a supermodel who doesn't react to anything I do.
I could do a similar rant about age preferences - I probably look older than people my age, but probably act younger than normal people around my age (if that makes any sense). So, you know, things aren't as black and white as we sometimes want them to be.

Okay, rant over.

"hmm", or: communication in the internet age

Short update about something I've been thinking about in the past few weeks.

Here are some messages I got on recon/straypup in the past month or so...

message 1: "hmm..."

message 2: "bdsm"

message 3: "?"

message 4: "MMMM would love to whip you, MM hot body, MMMM"

So what am I supposed to reply to messages like these? It's like the first three think they have to pay per letter or something, and the last one...well, at least he wrote something, but I don't like the way how he wrote that. I can just picture him sitting behind his pc, one hand on the mouse, the other on his cock, looking on various bdsm profile site for new wanking material. I mean, I'm sure he's one of many, but still.

I've had thoughts of deleting my profile on sites like these, but then I would miss out on meeting nice people as well. Just now I've been talking with a dom from Egypt, he was quite nice, not like some "masters" who are all "I am your new master, now send me a picture, SLAVE!!!!" I think I talked about this before, but that's an instant block on my part. That Egyptian dom just couldn't get over the fact as to how "white" I actually am. That's funny because I recently saw some more pictures from that session with other slaves a couple of months ago, and I found my paleness to be quite unattractive really. Couple that with my distinctly average 'boy next door' body type/looks, I don't really understand how anyone bothers with me. I guess there's an audience for everything and everyone. And that's a good thing!

Anyway, this entry was supposed to be profile sites and such. Well, one master who keeps bothering me every few days about meeting up but then it always turns out he can't meet up anyway, suddenly disappeared from straypup. We had vague meet-up plans for this weekend, but he's nowhere to be seen. Very unusual. Oh well, since I'm too busy with uni stuff, I'll now have to tell him to stop bothering me until February at the earliest. Also, he made me 'recruit' another guy for a session. Response of that guy: "you're the nth guy asking me this." Ha! That master also conviently doesn't answer certain questions - my trust in him has gone down a bit recently. Had a very good first session with him, if not for that I would've told him to leave me alone a long time ago.

Also, I think I mentioned something about Bondissimo a couple of entries back. He's now contacted me on recon and invited me for a session. He doesn't live anywhere near me though, so it's not that easy to meet up, especially if I have to use public transport (3 trains in 2 countries!) But, looking at his videos, it'll probably be worth it. Also have to tell him it'll be in February at the earliest.

That's it for now. Don't expect many more entries in the next month and a half...

chastity (or lack thereof)

Looking back on my blog, a lot of posts I made were about chastity devices. I haven't talked about anything related to that in quite some time.

The reason is fairly simple I guess. The last time I wore a chastity device was...well, I can't remember. A month or two ago, I think. And the last time I was in one for more than 2 days was probably in February.

It's not that it's no longer a turn-on for me; it still is, very much so, but I seem to have lost that self-control I had when I locked myself up for a month in February. I'm back to that vicious circle a lot of other men go through as well (at least I think so): I'm horny, so I put the device on. I get even more horny because I'm in the device, and later (could be an hour, could be 24 hours) I take off the device because I'm so desperate to cum. This happened a couple of times this year, so my chastity device is really more of a prolonged-masturbation device. I'm guessing this is the case with most men who buy one, especially single men.

So, what's next for me then? Well, I definitely don't see myself doing another self lock up period of a month or so. I still have mixed feelings about the last time I did that. Yeah it was interesting, but I wouldn't really call it fun. I have a lot of respect for guys for guys who lock themselves up for weeks or months (or years!) but I can't do that. There's a certain form of masochism in that which is a step too far for me. Not just that, but when I was locked up, my submissive feelings influenced my thought process and I did  and said some things I probably shouldn't have done/said. Or at least, things - kinky things - I wouldn't normally do. On the other hand, if I wasn't in that submissive mindset, maybe I wouldn't have made that final step to meet up with other masters.

If you'll allow me to dream a bit, I think the ideal situation for me would be having a master/partner/friend who takes control of my orgasms, but in this "and now you'll never cum again, bwa ha ha!" way I sometimes read about. No, he would allow me to cum, but when and how he wants to, and at least once a month or so. This would only feel 'real' to me if it's with someone I know and trust, and not a random internet person. So I'm not really looking for just a keyholder, I'd really like the complete package heh.

I would be up for being the (online or real-life) keyholder for someone else though, on their terms of course. I've already talked to some people about this, none of them took up my offer. One guy actually disappeared completely. Isn't it easier to just say "no, sorry, I won't do it"? Hmm. I guess a lot of people are unsure about taking the next step. Understandable.

I think my next update will comprise of complaining about the behavior of some people on sites like recon and such. I'm not sure it will make for interesting reading, but sometimes I just have to vent.

doubt: the sequel

I've been wanting to do a follow-up on the 'doubt' entry from the moment I published it, I had the feeling I didn't really explain certain things the way I wanted to, and obviously, some of my feelings have changed since then.
I wasn't really motivated to do one recently, especially since I've been spending far less of my spare time on kinky things, but two days ago I got a comment from dave94 with two questions, questions I'd like to answer in an entry like this instead of just replying with a comment. They're interesting questions to think about, but rather hard to answer! I love the questions though, and if anyone else wants to ask me something, feel free to comment or ask on my formspring.

Do you have conflicted feelings about your interest in bdsm because of the limited relationship with master R or because of how you need to hide your interest from others?
That's hard to say.  Master R showed me that I, when I'm in the right moodset, do enjoy bdsm greatly, and more importantly, he gave me more (sexual) self-confidence. At the time I wrote the 'doubt' entry I did want our relationship to be less limited, but right now I think anything more isn't necessary. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything more with anyone really. I would imagine some of these doubts and conflicting feelings to go away when I have a steady relationship, but never completely.
Having to hide my interest in bdsm annoys me at times, but I'm actually not sure if it's one of the reasons for my conflicted feelings. It's definitely not the main reason; it's frustrating for me, but having this blog, and people I can talk to both online and in real life, is a good way to not get depressed or overly annoyed with it.

If you lived in a community that supported sex-positive attitudes, would your conflicted feelings be less?
Very interesting question. But it's still a "what if?" question, and I honestly have no idea. Less conflicted feelings? Very possibly. No conflicted feelings? I don't think so. Even if you leave out my education (which was generally sex-negative), my overly self-critical and analytical personality would never allow me to have a doubt-free sex/bdsm life. Guilt-free, maybe, but doubt-free, I don't think so. Less conflicted, possibly. Like I already said, I'm thinking (or rather hoping) some of these doubts will go away once I find a partner who is into the same things as I am.

I think many of my conflicting feelings stem from my own personality and way of thinking, rather than an outside influence. Obviously there is an outside influence, but other people can handle that just fine, so it's mostly 'internal' issues I have to deal with myself. Sometimes I just need to tell myself to "get over it and move on", instead of endlessly analysing it.

I have to say a lot of my doubts and fears around the time of that entry came from reading too many blogs and talking to too many people in a very short amount of time. Yes, it's good to be informed and know about the possibilties, but at that time I was a bit overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that this is MY journey, and not let myself be too influenced by people. Ultimately it's about me, not about them, as selfish as that might sound.

And one of those people has been, and still is in a way, Master R. He has repeatedly stated he doesn't believe in bisexuality. When I was dating his slave/protegé, he sent me a message saying "I'm happy you finally accepted you're gay." That actually fueled my never-ending sexual identity crisis. I consider myself bi, but there I was, sleeping with a guy, really enjoying sex with him, connecting with him on a physical and emotional level. I must be gay, right? But then, why did I still "notice" girls the same way I did before? That made me doubt any and every sexual feeling I ever had.

I've been struggling with my bisexual feelings ever since I noticed I can look at guys the same way I can look at girls, which was when I was 19 or 20. I know there's no need to label myself as anything, but I'm a simple guy and I like to keep things simple. It would be much easier if I could label myself as gay or straight, but that would be a lie. 

I used to describe myself as "bi-asexual" to some friends, and I still think it's a not completely untrue description. Compared to most people I know, I'm far less into sex and dating and porn and whatever, but at the same time, I can get (emotionally and physically) attracted to members of both genders. But my interest in BDSM overshadows all of this, BDSM is basically my main sexuality, everything else is secondary.

And I think that's enough for this entry. Next entry will be less emo, I promise. 

after the session

A bit more on the previous session, and especially what happened after the session. I started writing this right after the session, but I've been having trouble finding the right words (and I got distracted), but I want to finish this before moving on to other stuff.

Like I said, I didn't cum this time, and when Master R untied me, we just stood there awkwardly hugging each other, him kissing me at times. I knew what he wanted; he was half-naked with his dick hanging out. I was playing dumb for some time, but ultimately decided to jerk him off. He lay back on the bed, eyes closed, and I made him cum. Yeah.

Something about that was just..."off" to me. I think it was a mistake to do this. I can't say I enjoyed it, which is weird because I usually quite like pleasuring other people. Don't know what it is, was I still too much wrapped up in my own "subspace", or was I just not in the mood for that kind of stuff?

Later, he made a comment about me not cumming during the session, and I blurted out "I'm here to get punished, not to cum". I might've well added "and not to make you cum", although that would've been a bit harsh. I've always been very clear that it's all about bdsm for me, and anything sexual is just an aside that isn't necessary for me. It can be nice of course, but this wasn't really nice for me. The best way I can describe it was that it felt like work. And that I had to do it as "payment" for a good session.
I actually haven't heard of him much in the past week, maybe he also realises something was off about the previous session. Nothing "wrong", but something different.

So has this changed my relationship with Master R? For now, I would say yes. It's not like I'll never go back to him, but there were already some things that were starting to annoy me. I really don't want to badmouth him, but he has a sort of narrow way of looking at bdsm and sexuality. For example, he doesn't believe in bisexuality at all, and thinks bdsm should always be "just a game". I feel like I'm more open-minded than him, and I know I can't talk about certain things with him because he has his own way of thinking that is pretty much opposite to mine. This doesn't matter when we're having a session, and I still consider him a friend, but nothing more.

In a way though, this has been a good thing. My mind's a lot clearer now when it comes to my relationship with him.

links

Ignore all the drama in my last entry, I just needed to get some things out of my system, I feel better now. I'll write about certain things related to that post at a later point, for now I have to recommend this blog post by Rook, it's related to some of the things I wrote. But in this entry I want to share some more links.

First of all, I really recommend this blog: http://chastityjournalonbeingcaged.blogspot.com/. 'Goodguy' locked himself in a cb6000 and went without orgasm for 2 months, just by his own willpower alone. It's something I could never do, so I have a lot of respect for him. It's been really interesting reading about his journey, if you're new to his blog you should go back a few pages and start at the beginning of his lock up period and work your way up from there.

Last week, Bondissimo cruised me on recon! If you don't know who he is; he's a bondage master in the north of France. I've been aware of him for quite a while now, but I can't remember where I first saw his work. Was it xtube? Anyway, from what I've seen, he'd make a very good master for me. You can watch some of his videos here. I recommend scrolling down the page, and work your way up. I found the first 2 Olaf videos really good, especially the second one. The most recent Olaf one (baseball jacket 2) is great as well. At one point, the master sprays some water on the sub. "Olaf" obviously doesn't like it, tries to protest and pull away, realises he can't, complains/moans into his gag. His reaction afterwards is gold. It's like he realises he's been deeply humiliated, but that there's nothing he can do about it. He realises he's his master's toy, and, despite his complaints, he actually likes it this way. That part actually turned me on both as a sub and as a dom. As a sub, I've had that feeling, and it's SO good. If that mixture of humiliation, helplessness and horniness is -just- right, it's the best feeling ever. And as a dom, it must be incredibly satisfying to see your sub react that way, moaning in his gag from both humiliation and pleasure. You know you're doing something right when that happens.
And who knows, in a couple of months, you might see a video of me on his site. How weird (but awesome) would that be?

I haven't spent a lot of time on xtube recently, but I re-discovered NetterSadist's account. He's always been one of my favourite masters on xtube, and his recent videos are just too good. His slave Hardlove82 doesn't only have a great body, he makes for an awesome sub. I haven't seen all his videos, but the latest one ("slaves every day life 5) is so much fun to watch. Hardlove is a sort of "loud" slave, but I just love hearing him moan during the nipple play early in the session. NetterSadist is teasing him verbally as well, saying things like "you're enjoying this aren't you", and then later "I'm going to have to put some nipple clamps on them now" (which causes him to moan even louder). At the end of the video, NetterSadist is tickling his slave. First, he's trying to pull away and moans a lot, but the master orders his slave to keep his foot in a certain position, and being a good slave, he obeys. It's really nice to see, and again, I think this is more appealing my dom side than my sub side. It must be so much fun to play with a boy like that.

That's it for now.

doubt

I need to write down some thoughts that might not be very positive...

That talk Master R and I had after the session triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions. He's not interested in 'owning' me any more than he is now, our sessions will always be just sessions. From this and other things he said, it's clear I will have to leave him behind at some point on my bdsm-journey. This is already hurting me because - and this will sound very silly and naive - I think I'm a little bit in love with him. I just want to spend more time with him, and not even in a master-slave setting, just as 2 human beings. I hate feeling like this because I know it will never happen. Maybe it's just my loneliness talking, maybe it's just something I need to get out of my system.

good news, bad news...

Bad news. My "slave holiday" this weekend.......has been cancelled! So annoying. It's not really his fault (if he's telling the truth, and I believe he is), but it's still annoying on multiple levels. First of all, I was obviously looking forward to it, and have been looking forward to it for over a month now. And 2 days ago, he sent me a mail that already got me a little bit in the mood...I'm not going to repeat what he said, but, in a very nice, non-aggressive way, he let me know that he decides when I will eat and sleep. It made me think "woah, he's really going to decide everything for me, I'm going to be his slave, it's going to be so good!"

Secondly, even though he paid me the plane ticket back, I now have no reason to go to Nice. And even if I want to go, I only have 3 days to find a hotel and stuff. I wish I had more time to prepare, all my holidays are 'active' ones where I plan what I'll do in detail. I always have to do something, anything, or I get bored. I'm usually not one to visit places just to soak up the atmosphere. To be honest, I already looked up some hotels, and some activities I could do and places to visit, but I'm not used to deciding on such short notice. So right now, I'm thinking of cancelling the flight, and just stay at home. I'm already going to Paris in about 2 weeks, and I don't really want to spend more money on travel stuff this year.

The good news then, is that Master R invited me for a session tomorrow. I accepted, although I didn't realise how hard I wanted it until some people on twitter told me to go for it (thanks guys! heh). I also saw him today (but he didn't see me) in a public place today (at his work, sort of), not even 2 minutes after I read the mail about my cancelled holiday. Randomly seeing him made my day a little better. And then this evening, he was on straypup, and I couldn't help myself teasing him a little. Result: "comments like that means your behind is going to be more red than usual". Now I'm definitely looking forward to it!

Master R also asked me if I wanted to be punished by him in a bdsm-club. I said I had to think about it. I know you don't believe me, but I am a shy, introverted guy. Having a "mild" form of autism helps with that. I could make an entire blog about that, but, putting it simply, just being around other people gives me an insane amount of stress. Being naked in front of strangers would make the stress levels go deep into the red.

Or, you know, maybe not. In that session with other slaves, all of them were also 'strangers' to me, and I could handle being around them. Of course, that was simple, since there was only one master, the rest were slaves. In a club, things will be more complicated.

But maybe I just think about it too much. And I definitely want to give it a try. I'm actually quite honoured that he asked me, it means he's okay with showing me in public as his slave. So it would be a sort of coming out for me, as a slave, and as his slave. He probably does this with most members of his "slave stable", but still, it would be a big step for me.

I'm going to talk about all the above with Master R tomorrow for sure.

So I guess the next update will be about the session, maybe with pictures :)

personal history

This is a post I meant to do since I started this blog, but I never seemed to feel like writing it. Well, now that I'm in a blogging mood, I might as well do it now.

I want to talk about my memories from my childhood and early teens that were related to bdsm.

Childhood memories:

- at some point, I started playing the 'bad guy' whenever I played with other kids, because I knew they would capture me and put me in 'prison' or something like that. I thought it was more exciting than playing the good guy. Also, when I got older (around 11-12 I guess), being captured sometimes made my stomach all tingly (a "butterflies in my stomach" sort of feeling). It was a weird feeling, but pleasant. I think the last time I had it, I was playing with a nephew, and he locked me up in my granddad's garden shed. It was full of spiders and stuff, but I was actually really excited to be locked away, and that tingling feeling was really strong.

- when I was in the backseat of a car, I sometimes pretended that I was kidnapped and tied up. So I just stayed still for ages. My parents probably thought I was asleep or something, or playing some silly game. I got my inspiration from a kidnapped boy, the son of some rich industrialist I think. I still remember the boy's name (Anthony!) and how he told the journalists that he was treated alright (I think one of the headlines was "they fed me cabbage!" or something heh), but that they tied him up and blindfolded him a lot.

- actually, my dad did tie me up sometimes, with a scarf, a soft belt, and once even rope. I don't remember when or why he started doing this, but it was so much fun being tied up and struggling to escape. I think he did it to keep me busy - and quiet - while he watched some tv or something. And before you scream "child abuse!", he obviously knew I enjoyed it, I sometimes begged him to tie me up, but he didn't always want to. When he stopped doing it altogether, well, that was when my childhood ended I guess.

- I remember my dad having bought me a comic book (french style, "bande dessinée") compilation. One of the stories was set in medieval times, and it started in a dungeon. It actually had quite graphic scenes of guys in chains being tortured and branded, but I just couldn't stop looking at it! I don't remember what the story was about, I just remember those first 3 pages or so. It probably explains my love for a) medieval torture devices, b) horror films, and c) anything related to dungeons and imprisonment.

Teen life:

- my first wet dream was bdsm-related. It was a random dream at first; me and some classmates seemed to hold a race or a competition of some sort in a big supermarket. We drove around in carts, putting things in it, hitting each other etc. I don't know what happened, but at the end of the dream, a girl from my class (who I didn't like!) somehow tied us all to a cross, laughed and made fun of us. I woke up with this really, really weird feeling in my stomach, at least 10 times as intense as what I described above. Actually, it was a "dry" dream, I was only about 12, and I don't think my body was able to produce or squirt sperm yet.

- obviously, when I finally did start having wet dreams, and discovered the joys of masturbation, all I fantasised about was being a prisoner, and tied up, or in chains. That alone turned me on so much. I never actually fantasised about sex with girls (or boys - that came much, much later), just that. Later I also had fantasies of being tortured, and some fantasies were rather extreme.

- I also saw l'Histoire d'O (Story of O) at a very young age. Well, I only really remember the ending (and I probably don't remember it right, it must've been 15 years ago), but the idea of sexual slavery turned me on immensely. Also the symbolism of her collar, and her genital piercing, and being branded for her Master... it was so hot. And not just that, I could already see the romanticism in it: O basically 'sacrifices' her body to serve her Master, because she loves her Master, and her Master loves her, but at the same time she is still his slave, his toy. I should really see this film again, it was definitely a huge influence on my fantasies.

There was probably more, but that's all I remember for now.

future sessions, 24/7 and other thoughts

It seems like I haven't mentioned this before, but a week or two ago I told Master R that I'd like to do another 'naughty schoolboy' session, preferably with another sub. He said he knew the perfect guy. We've been sending some messages, and he's up for it, but it won't happen until mid-november at the earliest. Ugh. I'm really looking forward to it, I have a lot of things in mind (and already shared them with Master R). It'll also be the first time I'll play with a sub younger than me (he's 27).

Master R also asked me if I wanted to join him in a session at a bdsm-club (the same one he privately booked for the session with other subs), but this time during regular hours, so there will be other people watching us. I said that I had to think about that. In one way, I'm honoured that he asked me, since I'm going to be on public display as "his" slave. So he definitely thinks I'm worth showing to other people. On the other hand, I'm a shy, timid guy, and doing that session with other slaves was already a huge step for me, that was the first time men other than the 2 masters I've been with saw me completely naked. I'm extremely shy about my body as well - you've seen the pics, my penis and balls are small, and I'm not exactly the most athletic-looking guy. So, I don't know, I still haven't decided. I'm leaning towards going at some point, but then more as a sort of experiment, to see if I'll like it, and also to do Master R a favour.

Related to that, I've been thinking about my relationship with him, but it's hard to describe what we have. I guess he's a kind of mentor to me, I tell him everything bdsm-related I do (well, close to everything - this blog is still a secret to everyone), I told him about my previous session and he was very interested in my experiences, I showed him the pics and he loved them. On the other hand, I'm part of his 'slave stable', which includes at least 10 other guys, and he probably has a similar relationship with at least some of them.

I don't know, thinking about it confuses me. Moving on...

Recently I've had some people asking me on straypup and recon if I want to be "trained" for 24/7. I honestly have no idea if I want that. There is a part of me that wants to submit to someone 100%, ready for him/her/them at all times, but then another part of me (I guess the rational part) is scared as hell by that idea. I'm a rather independent, even selfish guy, I never have to look after anyone, and I can do what I want in my spare time. If I really am going to commit myself to someone, this selfishness will have to go. It's also one of the reasons my previous relationships didn't work out; I found it incredibly hard to compromise.

I've talked about this to a dutch guy on straypup, and it's a shame he lives so far from me, because I definitely got the feeling we're very compatible. The conversation also went from kink to history and languages (two of my- and his - favourite subjects). He's looking for a more daddy-son type of relationship, and I can see myself functioning in that type of relationship as well. He wants a son to "educate", which includes keeping the boy chaste, and regular spankings. The amount of kink/bdsm would be rather low, but I wouldn't mind really. I'd rather have a loving relationship with a low amount of bdsm rather than one where I'm just a dumb sex/bdsm object to a master who doesn't really care about me.

Maybe I should make a list of things I'd want in a 24/7 relationship, and just send it to everyone who asks me about it. I'm sure it would scare of 95% of the masters.

I've been talking to another guy, he's not that much older than me, also looking for a slave to own, but he was far more aggressive in approaching me. I usually hate that sort of aggressiveness, when people on recon/straypup say something like "slave, send me a nude picture of you right away!" as a first message, I just ignore them or tell them I'm not interested. I mean, I'm not a slave, I'm only a slave when I submit to a master. I know it's just words, but the way in which they're said is important to me.

Anyway, he wasn't as aggressive as the others, and he asked me some genuine, normal questions, so I kept talking to him. He also has a nipple piercing, and regular readers know that this is one of my biggest turn-ons. I sent him some pics of me, and unlike some other people, actually kept talking to me heh, so that's a plus. Or maybe he's just desperate. Anyway, if our conversations continue the way they're now, I might meet up with him at some point.

I had more to say but this entry is already long enough!

blog stats

This is my 50th post on this blog, I thought I should celebrate by writing about...my blog!

First of all, I was thinking of installing that flag counter thing, but then I realised blogger actually keeps quite a lot of details on visitors already. The results were...not that surprising I guess, but I love statistics (and in particular analysing them), so I'll share them with you anyway.

countries

I get most of my visits from Belgium, but that's because I didn't tick the "don't count your own visits" box until this week, so even though I'm sure I get visitors from Belgium, it would surprise me that if the number is as high as other countries. Other countries I get a good number of visitors from are the US, the UK, Netherlands, Germany and France. About the only surprise in the overall top 10 is Saudi Arabia. And this week I got some visits from Lebanon. I wonder if they got here by accident, or maybe the middle east is more kinky than us westerns think :)

traffic

Most of my visitors seem to get here through Google friend connect, which means they probably saw my avatar on someone else's blog. There are 2 blogs that have provided me with a fair number of visitors. The first one is http://tentaciones2011.blogspot.com/ , which is by a Spanish mistress. She once sent me a very positive and encouraging email, right when I was getting somewhat bored with this blog. She told me I should keep exploring my sexuality and kinky side, and keep writing about it. I took a lot of courage from her message, and started to think that sharing my experiences is a good thing, as other people might learn something from it, or get ideas of their own based on what I wrote. Or get turned on with what I write, heh. Either way, that message from her is definitely one of the main reasons why this blog still exists.

Second blog is http://dirtypigsdog.blogspot.com/ , a very interesting blog about the adventures of a total slave. I really love reading it, I always look forward to the next entry. If you don't follow it already, you should, I consider it one of the best kinky blogs here on blogger.com. And it's probably also the reason why I get a high number of visitors on my own blog from the Netherlands.

entries/keywords

The number of visits to specific entries is very low, I guess most people just look at the front page, as there is really no reason to click on individual entries. It's probably not surprising that the entries that get the most views are the one with pictures. Right now the "naughty schoolboy session" entry is the most viewed... well, for fans of the naughty schoolboy scenario I have good news, since there's going to be another session in the near future. Some of my posts where I talk about chastity and my fantasies also seem popular. One of my stories, "Charlotte" also got a fair number of hits.

As for keywords, people seem to come here to read about "cb6000", "bondage session" and "naughty schoolboy spank". Hmm. Probably the weirdest is "martin gore bdsm" (although I did mention him in my "bdsm and music" entry) .

All in all, I don't get that many visitors compared to my "neighbours" (and with that I mean other kinky blogs I follow), but then they have more interesting blogs anyway, so I don't mind. I seem to be getting more readers though. In August 2010, I had 105 hits. In August 2011, 454 hits, the highest number ever. The average in the last 3 months is about 14 visitors a day.

As I said, this is the 50th entry, and I still have a lot of ideas for more entries, this blog is very much alive. I enjoy writing entries, and I certainly hope my readers enjoy reading it!

bondage session with RopeMaster Willy

Yesterday I had my first bondage session with RopeMaster Willy. My Belgian readers might have heard of him, he's quite active in the Antwerp scene.

I found his profile on recon, and was very impressed with what I saw. So I asked if we could meet up, and only a couple of days later I nervously rang his doorbell. And this is what happened...

After showing me around a bit, I put on a hood for him, and we decided to start with tying me to a spanking bench. He spanked me and whipped me with at least 8 different whips, building it up really nicely. Every time I thought "this is hard, if he keeps this up I'll have to tell him to stop", he actually stopped hitting me before I could finish that thought. That already was an indication that I was being handled by a very, very experienced master.

For the second part, I was tied to the cross. I could hardly move anything, and realising that made me hard (first time in the session, oh boy). He put nipple clamps and clothespins on me. After a couple of minutes I really felt like I couldn't take that many more clothespins, so I told him (he very regularly asked if I was okay, by the way, another sign of a good, experienced master).

Then, for the last part, he put me in body bondage, with the goal to horizontally suspend me. This was the longest part of the session (and if you see the pictures below, you'll understand why). I was really impressed with his technique:

This is actually my favourite photo of the session, it was taken right after he finished with the rope bondage. He told me to look in the mirror and say what I thought. I was pretty much speechless at how I looked, I think you'll agree with me that it looks great. So this picture is basically me admiring his handiwork, surrounded by his tools.

As for the suspension...

I don't know how many of you have ever been suspended like that, but honestly, I can't recommend this enough. It was so, so awesome. Such a weird, but great feeling. Very relaxing in a way. He put on a blindfold (I had to take off the hood when I was lying on the floor, felt like I couldn't breath enough), and put on some relaxing music, and told me to enjoy. He swinged me from side to side sometimes, or spinned me around softly, it was really weird. In some ways, it made me feel like a kid again, and being on some sort of theme park ride for the first time. I know I keep repeating myself, but it felt great. I was smiling all the time.

So yeah, awesome session, I did a lot of new things, and I definitely want to go back and do some more. He's a busy master though, and Antwerp is quite far for me. It's going to be difficult to meet up again. I'm also not sure he enjoyed working with me - I'm a rather passive, quiet "model", and I actually only got hard a couple of times, and when he told me to masturbate at the end of the session, I just couldn't. I don't quite know why I felt really safe with him. And as you can see, I'm not the most attractive/athletic guy either. That tight rope bondage really exposes me for the fat pig I am. ...okay it's not that bad, but it still makes me feel more insecure about my body.

Also, there were more pics of this session, but I forgot to bring along a usb stick, and even if I did, I had to catch my train. Like I said, the distance between us is annoying.

Oh yeah, and here's the obligatory "the day after the spanking" picture:

Apart from those whip marks on my right side, it doesn't look that bad, but I certainly felt it. I also think the marks are more noticeable because I have such a pale skin. I read somewhere that pale skin breaks more easily and recovers more slowly, so that would also explain why the marks from the previous session lasted so long.

All in all, a great session I'll remember for a very long time.

smile

Okay, I have a question. Don't hate me for it, and let me explain.

Don't you sometimes feel that a lot of bdsm-related things are....pretty silly?

Let me explain. The last time I had an individual session with Master R was the one with the schoolboy scenario. At the start of that, I felt pretty silly. Especially when I had to sit on my knees with my arms in the air. I honestly had a hard time not to burst out in laughter. It was so, so silly.

I had that feeling again with the session last week. At the start of the session, we were all standing there in our underwear, waiting for the master to order us around. I was the first one in the play room, so I could see the others, all "normal" men between 30 and 50, being brought in, tied up, whipped and spanked. It was like part of a comedy, or rather a joke without a punch line.

Am I the only one who feels like this sometimes? I mean, I'm not making fun of all your kinks or anything, but I'm just saying that, from a certain perspective, it can all look pretty damn silly. But I also have to say that, in my two personal examples above, I soon got into the right mood and enjoyed it in a mental, physical and obviously sexual way. So, while I might find a lot of bdsm-related things silly in some way, it can also arouse me and satisfy me in a lot of different ways.

I still don't get the feeling I properly explained what I mean, but I still wanted to get it out in the open. Feel free to let me know what you think.

the french invasion

First of all, I just booked a flight...to Nice...So yes, I am going to be a rich man's toy for a couple of days. Now that I actually booked the flight, I'm less nervous than I was before. Now there's no going back. Now it's an actual event, not a possible event. That makes it easier for me to deal with mentally.

Secondly, I've been exchanging messages with a french master for a couple of days now. It's been pretty tiring for me, most of all because I insisted in replying in french at first. My french is...not bad (at all, if I may say so) but I can't write nearly as fluently as I do in english, so it took me ages to reply. He also asks a lot of questions in each mail. So much, that I accused him of being a cop, which he denied.

Anyway, he started with asking me what turns me on, stuff like that. After a while, he started sending things like "so, you get turned on when your master plays with your nipples? Do you get even harder when he starts whipping you?" Yes, he was starting to push my buttons. He even got me to send me some more pics of me, something I never...okay, hardly ever do. Our conversation reached a breakpoint when he asked me to take pictures of me shaving my groin, ass and armpits. I said no. He asked me why. Told him I'm not into online domination. He understood, and kept sending more mails with a million questions. Today, he's been asking more psychological questions, which make me feel even more uncomfortable than the kinky questions. I just had about enough of those questions really.

So, in a way, I'm annoyed with him, but he would also make a good master. He's really into humiliation, and as much as I hate to admit it, I like being humiliated (in a sexual/bdsm way that is!) Like, last night, he ended his mail with "speak to you tomorrow, my little apprentice slave". That, believe it or not, made something grow in my pants. He finished his last mail with "see you, my little bitch friend" (of course, this all sounds better and hornier in french - everything sounds better and hornier in french). I've been ignoring his remarks, mostly because, on one hand, I want to write back something like "no, YOU're the bitch, bitch!", and on the other hand, I want to write "yes sir, I am a bitch-slave sir!" Ugh. I guess I'm still struggling with my submissive feelings. Then again, it's not like I'm submissive 100% of the time.

Anyway, if he lived a little closer, I probably would submit to him, but he's about 5 hours away by train, so it's not going to happen.

That's all for now. Big day tomorrow, first session with multiple slaves. Five slaves, apparently, Master R and an assistant-master. Should be fun. He usually takes pictures, so if I get them I'll put them online somewhere :)

I'm a rich man's toy

First of all, next week I'll finally be able to play again. And with a bonus: Master R rented an SM room, and he invited some of his slaves. Including me. If no-one cancels, there are going to be 6 slaves, and one assistant-master. This will be entirely new to me, I don't know any of the other slaves, I've never been to that SM place, and it will actually be the first time that I play with other slaves. So I'm quite nervous, especially since it's been such a long time that I actually played at all (apart from some self-bondage, that obviously doesn't compare to the "real" thing). But I know I can trust Master R, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been sending a lot of questions to the guy in France, and I think he might be getting tired of me now haha. I'm still not 100% sure I'm going to do it (it, being, taking a plane to meet him, and be his slave for the weekend), but I'm about...90% sure now. He does seem nice, answered all my questions, even gave me the email of one of his previous slaves (although they do have a remarkably similar writing style...but that's probably me being too paranoid). If he really was out to rape me or whatever, he could've just made a profile with that message and I'm sure he'll get a hundred of offers. Mostly fakers of course, but still. And I have to admit, some of his wishes might come across as a bit strange - which makes it even more likely that he's genuine.

I won't post all the details here, but I've come to realise that what he's offering is perfect for me. I play it cool in my mails to him (I think I just said "okay, I can do that" as a reply to his mail with all the things I'd have to do), but, jeez, I've actually been masturbating a lot thinking about it. I'll be naked and in chastity for most of the time, that's already a huge turn-on for me. And the only sexual thing I'll have to do is suck his dick. Okay, I can do that! Heh. But really, being a sort of houseboy/slave is one of my strongest fantasies, and this would be a good test to see if it's something I want in real life as well. In his words: "If you never try, you can never know if you are a slave or only a masochist." True. But I do I have to fly to the south of France to find out? Hmm.
Anyway, I'll do another update once I made my decision. And I'll let you know if Master R can handle 6 slaves, including yours truly.

(the title of this entry, by the way, is the title of a song by The Auteurs, I thought it was appropriate for this post)

abroad

Last week I had a one-week holiday in Austria, together with my dad. It was probably because I had about 20 minutes of privacy every day, but I didn't feel like masturbating all week, so I didn't. I think this (a total of about 8 or 9 days) was the longest I went without orgasm since those 30 days in february/march. Although, when you're not being teased or anything, being chaste is kind of...boring. When I got back home I had some fun and came twice: just before I went to bed, and when I woke up. A lot of pent-up horniness I guess. Both felt really good, and different. There really is a difference between evening/night orgasms and morning orgasms.

Still haven't seen Master R, we said we'd meet up next week, but I still don't have my full university schedule, although it looks like I'll have late lessons 4 out of 5 days. Which is annoying because I'll only be home around 8/9PM, and obviously that will be even later if I decide to meet up with Master R. Anyway, we'll see.

I got another interesting offer on straypup: someone who lives in the south of France wants to pay my plane ticket if I agree to come over for a weekend. It's obviously tempting, but I'm super-suspicious really. If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. I would actually do it, if I know I can trust him. I'm 'only' 2 hours by plane away from him, and if he wants to pay for my ticket...well that probably makes me some kind of prostitute, but I would go. Like I said, I have my doubts that it's real, but it sure would be an adventure...or a nightmare. Hmm. It's interesting to think about though.

That's all for now.

dreams

I had 2 kind of 'dirty' dreams lately.

First was one of those "physical alteration" dreams. Like, dreaming that my teeth fall out, or that I have a hole in my knee, stuff like that. It's mostly nightmare-ish, but not this time. And it was a bit confusing. I was looking down at my body, and I noticed a hole just under my navel. I thought "oh yeah, it's from my piercing". Then I looked again, and noticed the hole wasn't under my navel, but through my foreskin. I thought "oh yeah, I took it out for some reason, but never put it back in!" Then I tried to remember when I actually got the piercing, but I couldn't remember at all. That's usually the point in the dream where dream-me panics, and I wake up - which I why it's always easier (for me at least) to remember "bad" and weird dreams.

Anyway, to clarify: I don't have any piercings in real life, but they are a sort of personal fetish. Lately I've been thinking of getting a PA, but I've decided against it because it wouldn't look nice on my penis. It can shrink to less than 2 inches, I don't think it would look very nice. I'd love to get my nipples pierced, but they're really small as well, not sure if it would work.

Anyway, back to my dreams. Second one isn't nearly as kinky. It was a really long dream, university-related. I was leaving university, and I wasn't sad about that at all until I met up with my best friend there (in real life, one of my school friends, who I haven't seen in over 12 years). It was something he said that made me all emotional. We hugged. Then we kissed. Then we wanted to find a more private place for more kissing :)

I saw the Kinsey film recently (you know, Kinsey scale? Look it up if you never heard of it), and the dream made me think of how many of my classmates might be gay. I was always in fairly big classes, and if you take into consideration that at least 1 out of 10 people are gay (or, at the very least, not 100% straight) there must be quite a few. A couple of years ago I saw someone, sort of shy guy, picked on when I went to school with him - and he was with another guy, obviously his boyfriend. The good thing is, I've hardly ever seen him happy at school, and that moment he was beaming, so it was really nice to see he turned out to be okay.

The guy from the dream was one of my best friends in middle school and early high school, and I wouldn't be that surprised if he turned out to be gay. He was certainly...different. But so was I, I guess.

In other news, I'm definitely going to see Master R in 2 weeks, and it might be with another boy. Looking forward to it.

I contacted Master R, and he's up for another session with me. Probably somewhere late september. It's going to be weird, last session was 6 months ago, I'll probably not really enjoy it at first.

I've been dreaming (okay, fantasising) about a session with another slave. Master R would tell us to strip, while spanking us both occasionally. After a while he'd tell us to sit on our knees, on opposite ends of the room, facing away from each other. Then he'd leave the room, ordering us to stay where we are. Obviously, me being a naughty slave, I'd go over to the other slave and start teasing and fondling him. At some point, Master would enter the room and obviously be mad at me. He'd tie me up good, giving me a good whipping, and then turn his attention to the other slave. After he's done, it's my turn to be tortured again. He'd also make me suck the other slave's dick, while still spanking/whipping me, and with a vibrating plug up my ass.

That's pretty much my dream scenario, and I'll mention some things to Master R, but I don't want to "top from the bottom". A big part of the reason I've enjoyed our sessions is because we never made up a detailed scenario, he does what he wants (within my limits of course). I don't know what's he's going to do next, and I love it that way.

Something completely different then: PUPS!

Not the cute little furballs that make you go all warm and fuzzy inside, but the human kind. I follow a couple of boypups on twitter, and I read some blogs, and they left me intrigued. Being a pup doesn't interest me, but training one does. I already have quite a few ideas on how I would train a pup. I might talk about some of them in another blog entry. I'd love to try out my ideas in practice, but unfortunately the pup thing doesn't seem to be very popular in my region (or maybe all the puppies are hiding...), and I'm not sure I already have the confidence to be a trainer. Maybe in a couple of years, hopefully sooner.

sticky surprise...

Last night, I was very horny. Watched some porn and read some stories on altarboy's site. I edged myself several times, but eventually cooled down enough to lock myself into my cb2000 and went to bed. I actually slept quite well.

I was still horny when I woke up. I had nothing to do today, so I went on the net, and read some stories while I got hard in the cage. After a while I started edging myself again, multiple times I masturbated myself until I was about to cum. At some point I went to the bathroom because I had to pee. I was still stroking myself, didn't feel close to cumming, until suddenly a big stream of cum came out. For a microsecond, I was very confused, since I didn't get that orgasm feeling. But a few seconds later I did orgasm, and another stream of cum came out. I've never, ever ejaculated that much cum in my life. The same amount of cum I would produce from masturbating and cumming twice.

I don't really understand why this happened, but it was pretty awesome. I quite like surprises like these :)

Afterwards, I tried to have some anal fun. Medium butt plug still doesn't go all the way in. My dildo does, but I guess I wasn't really in the mood after all. I also felt pretty tired, so I took a nap - right after tying my ankles together with rope and handcuffing myself. I was suprised I could actually sleep like that. Maybe I'll do this more often...

dreaming

I had an erotic dream last night. No, not a wet dream, since I woke up before something happened.

It was part of a larger dream, but I only remember the erotic part (hmm, I wonder why?). I was in a locker room of a swimming pool, and I was talking to another guy. He was wearing a speedo, and I could clearly see he was wearing a chastity device. I asked him if he was wearing one, he said yes, and told me he finds it embarrassing, but he HAS to wear the device + speedo. We talked some more, but his tone started to become more dominant. I had to completely undress while he inspected my body. He ordered me on my knees in front of him (I thought of saying no, but even in my dreams I'm a total slut heh), and he gave a sort of mouth guard "so you won't chew off my dick!" He told me to close my eyes, and I felt his still soft dick enter my mouth. I started sucking and licking it, it started growing and growing and... that's when I woke up. With a huge erection. Still, I wish the dream went on a bit longer.

I think one of the reasons why I also woke up is that parts of the dream make so little sense - or maybe I can't remember certain parts of it anymore. I know dreams aren't supposed to make sense, but my dreams always have some sort of dream-logic, something that this dream lacks.

Anyway, the dream has left me horny since I woke up. I did a few tweets about the dream, which made me get hard (really hard), and I started watching some porn, and masturbated a bit. Didn't cum though, and I put on my cb6000 just before I started this entry. Now that I'm secure again, I think I'll try to write down that nice story/fantasy I've had in my head for weeks now.

I also think I'm finally feeling ready to meet up with some masters again. I'm too busy with boring life stuff though, so it'll probably only happen at the end of september.

social - or not.

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what's that smell?

There's this nice guy - well, boy actually, he's only 18 - I met on twitter. We talk freely about sex (and other things!), and a few days ago, I got him to send me a nude pic. And he did it again today. Apparently he's never done that before. I actually believe him.

I'm a bit confused with the whole thing though - I quite like him, but he's not really into me, he just sends me the pics to get attention I think. I also feel sort of bad because I "corrupted" him in a way (even though he could've always said no, so at least part of him is already "corrupted"), and because of his age, he sometimes makes me feel like a peadophile! I'm 'only' 11 years older, it could be worse I guess. But anyway, this won't be going anywhere, we live too far apart for anything to happen. If I can be really honest, he's hot and I'd actually love to have sex with him, even make love with him if you know what I mean, so it's a shame he lives so far away. If he didn't, I'd definitely try everything to get in his pants :)

Yesterday I masturbated to some porn while I still had my clothes on. There was cum on my underwear and t-shirt. I went to bed with that underwear and t-shirt still on. I know I'm not supposed to blow my own horn *cough* but I really love the smell of my cum sometimes. It's usually very sweet. I think that's because I drink too much coke... The cum from my "ex" didn't smell that strongly.

So question of the day: what does your/your partner's cum smell (and taste) like?

blog talk

I noticed blogger now has its own visitor counter thing, so I activated it to see how many people visit this blog. I'm quite surprised with the results, around 350 this week alone. I have another "geek" blog, which I started 2 weeks ago and that only got about 70 visits in total - and I bet half of those was just me checking again and again if the layout and other things looked good whenever I made a small change.

Anyway, back to this blog. It would be interesting to see (for me at least) which entries get the most views. Wouldn't be surprised if it were the 3 bondage session updates. I went through my post history, and to be honest, there's nothing really that interesting here. There are far better written, more informative blogs out there, and people looking for masturbation material are better off elsewhere.

In my opinion, there's always something double-edged about a public blog. I use a blog like this mostly to just get things of my chest, not unlike this entry. But then I know people actually read my blog, and sometimes I worry about that too much. I start thinking about the quality and content of my blog (ie. is it too boring? Not enough pictures? What should I write next? What do my readers want from me?), and the more I start thinking about that, the more I feel like not writing anything at all! And when I feel like writing something, I think too much about what I should or shouldn't write - which defeats the initial purpose of this blog, which was made so I could have my own little corner on the internet where I could freely talk about my kinky desires and fantasies.

Conclusion: I should stop thinking so much about things that don't matter at all. From now on, I'll write whatever I damn well please!!

Maybe.

I'm still here...

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4th week

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third week

I hadn't even realised I'm well over halfway my lock-up period, and broke my previous record about a week ago.

Still haven't had a session with MasterP, and the two other Masters I contacted are only available on Saturday. The only free Saturday I have this one is the 26th. Sigh.

It hasn't been a boring week at all though - I've been so submissive in the past week, I hardly believe it myself. I have Master Phil to thank for this, he's really dominating me in a way I previously thought would be impossible. I've sort of tried to be dominated online, but that just didn't work out for me. Those "masters" had no idea how to handle me. I expect a Master to, you know, dominate me, but I always turned out to be more dominant than them!! Not so with Master Phil. Even though we started writing messages in a casual way, at some point I just couldn't continue our conversation without calling him "Sir". His hold on me only tightened from then on.

He's the reason why I've been wearing my cb2000 with spikes for over a week now, why I made a spreadsheet with offences (and desired punishments - it's already quite long!), why I ordered Deep Heat off the internet (the UK version of Bengay - he wants me to rub it on my balls and make a video of it). Also, he made me do something I found extremely humiliating (so humiliating, I've long thought of not mentioning it here, but I have to be honest): I had to make a video of me spanking my balls, and send it to him. Now, if someone told me to do this 3 weeks ago, I would've told him to get lost. Or told him "no, YOU send ME a video of you spanking YOUR balls!!". But, right after we finished our conversation on msn, I went upstairs to the bathroom (I wasn't even at home - I was staying at my dad's house), stripped, turned on my camera and started spanking. Just like that.

Now I know a lot of boys wouldn't make a big deal out of that, but...I still have some of my pride. I know I shouldn't, and I really hope Master Phil or another Master will teach me to get rid of that pride, but I know that's going to take quite a while.

Another thing is that I'd love to serve Master Phil in real life, but there's quite some distance between us. I'm sure we could meet up for a weekend every month or two, but it would just be very frustrating because I have to leave every time after such a short stay. It's really annoying, I get the feeling Master Phil and me are very compatible (although he's more sadistic than I am masochistic - but that's probably the way it should be), so it's really annoying I can't serve him properly (I'd really love to be his houseboy/slave 24/7). I hope I can find a local Master I'm just as compatible with, but even if I do, I'll definitely never forget what Master Phil did for me.

As I said, I now wear the spikes with my cb2000 all the time, including when I sleep. It makes me aware of every attempted erection I have, especially at night. In the past week I already woke up 2 times because I was trying to get hard due to an erotic dream I had. I had the first dream right after my last blog post, so the night after I thought of chatting up shop boy. Most of the dream is a blur, but at some point me and a guy I had a crush on started kissing (tongue and all), and I started rubbing my hands over his chest, and played with his nipples.

The second dream was more like watching a movie: it was about a boy who moved to a university in another country. As part of some kind of initiation ritual, his classmates stripped him, tied him up, shaved his groin, and put a chastity device on him (which he would wear for his entire stay at this uni), and all the while he was being spanked. At first the boy was quite mad about getting treated like this, but he quickly realised that being in chastity just felt right.

The second dream is probably based on some chastity fiction story I read ages ago, I suppose it's a pretty normal dream to have (well, as a locked boy I mean). Master Phil made me realise the first dream is a bad dream; there was no element of submission, I was actually the active one in it.

I haven't had a dream since, but I'll definitely post them here if I get another one.

Lastly, has anyone seen this: http://www.lockedndenied.com/members/kdubb/activity/12599 That would be the perfect device for me!

denied

First of all, MasterP contacted me late last night, to see if I was available for a bondage session today. He did say that he might get called up for work, but we should try to meet up anyway. So, this morning, I texted him, and guess what? He got called up for work. Grr. I was really looking forward to getting my bottom spanked, along with some nipple torture. I was (still am I guess) in a very masochistic mood.

Then, for the "highlight" of the day:

Earlier today, when I took a piss, something happened. First there was a stream of normal piss, and then a second stream. I wouldn't have paid any attention to that normally, but I was looking down when the second stream started, and it was clear that this stream wasn't piss. It came out in one clean stream, yes, but it was thicker and, well, shinier. I scooped up a bit that was hanging on my cage, and yep: it was cum. I inspected the toilet bowl closer, and there was a thick stream of cum floating in the water.

Funny thing is, the same thing happened last week, but I was at uni then and didn't even think that the second stream might've been anything other than piss. Because, really, I didn't feel a thing. It just feels like pissing.

I think this is also interesting in a scientific/psychological way. It's now obvious my body doesn't NEED to orgasm to release cum. In other words, there's no physical need for me to masturbate or to orgasm, since my body would release those fluids anyway. In theory, this means I could stay chaste for the rest of my life, and still be healthy. It also means that whenever I feel the need to masturbate, it's a purely psychological thing. You know how they say that your brain is actually your biggest sexual organ? I've always agreed with that, and now I have another reason to believe it.

And lastly, I think it's another step towards feeling like a true locked and denied boy. Now even my body understands and accepts that I'm not going to orgasm anytime soon.

And in other "horny but chaste" adventures:

- there was a cute (and obviously gay - yes I have "gaydar" and I'm not afraid to use it!) young guy working at the register in one of the shops I went to. It was probably (okay, definitely) my imagination, but I swear his face lit up when he saw me. I was -this- close to saying something like "so...what do you do after work?" but I was my usual timid self, so yeah.

- this is definitely MasterP's influence (and being too horny for my own good), but recently I started noticing good-looking guys over 40. I've never paid attention to them before because I'm usually just interested in people my age, or a bit younger, but now I have seen the (40+) light! (I have more to say about this, but I'll keep it for another update).

- still wearing my cb2000. I installed the spikes again, as you can see on the 2 pictures I uploaded. They're actually the CB3000 POI, but they're just as (if not more) effective on a cb2000. I'm going to try a night in them. It's probably going to be a long, painful night, but I want to give it a try. I already had a few very painful attempted erections, not fun. But watever. I'll consider this an alternative punishment to being spanked.
I had the idea thanks to Phil (@driver on Locked and Denied). He's not my official keyholder but he certainly knows how boys like me should be handled. If there are any UK boys here looking for a keyholder/master, you should definitely contact him.

This was supposed to be a very short mid-week entry, hmm.

second week

2 weeks done, 4 weeks to go.

Obviously the highlight of the past week was the bondage session with MasterP. Like with all good memories (a nice trip, or a great concert), I sometimes think "did that really happen?" because it was almost too good to be true.

Unfortunately it looks like we won't be able to meet up next week, and the week after that will be even more difficult for me. I'll probably meet up with another master (or masters!) in the coming weeks or months, but for obvious reasons MasterP will always be my first choice. I'm a generally distrusting person, but he made me feel at ease and I somehow trusted him right away. I really have a great deal of respect for him.

Apart from that the week has been rather slow, until friday night. I went out with a friend and came home rather late, but somehow I was really really horny. It might have something to do with a package I got, which included a leather bracelet. I love leather bracelets, but I have super-small wrists and most bracelets look silly on me (well, they look great, but I look silly). But this one is more like a shoelace, I wrap it around my wrist, put a knot in it and that's it. It's perfect for me. I don't consider myself a leather hound, but it definitely turned me on. I wasn't locked at that time (on thursday I noticed some chafing/redness on my ballsac because of the cb6000 ring, so I went without to let it heal), so I put myself in my cb2000 for the rest of the weekend.

I stayed horny all weekend, and on sunday I was so fed up with being semi-hard all the time that I installed the spikes (points of intrigue). The middle set. The small set doesn't really hurt, but the middle one...well, it hurts when you get hard, and not in a sexy way. It HURTS. Now, my penis seemed to have remembered this from last time, and I only got hard once in about 8 hours or so (and it was when I was reading random stuff on locked'n'denied!). I did take the spikes off to go to bed though, I rather value my sleep.

I'm still wearing the cb2000 now, and it only came off to change the spikes. In many ways, I prefer the cb2000 to the cb6000. It's much easier to clean, the cage is more suited for growers (or shrinkers) like me, and I find it visually more appealing. Downside is that it's more clunky, and I think heavier than the cb6000. My ideal chastity device would definitely be more like the cb2000 than the cb6000. It's a shame they never made a cb2000s, like, a smaller (in diameter) and slightly shorter cage. That would've been perfect for me.

Just like the last time I was locked up for more than a week, I definitely notice myself being more submissive, or at the very least entering a sort of submissive mindset. It's something I struggle with sometimes. Part of me thinks that being a submissive is my raison d'être, but another part of me is very strongly opposed to that. Basically, it's an internal macho/dom vs. sub fight. I'd talk more about it, but it's hard to explain. I know some other people have this too though.

One of those submissive mindset ideas is this: I want to be a good submissive boy, but right now I'm still a naughty boy. The only way to be a good boy is to a) be in prolonged chastity, no masturbation at all, and b) recieve regular spankings to remind me I'm a submissive boy. Ideally, I should be spanked daily.

There more, but I'm going to stop now before I make myself too horny again. Bye!

first bondage session

I'm afraid this won't be a very coherent blog post, as I'm still trying to process everything that happened in the past couple of hours. One thing I can say is that I enjoyed it tremendously.

Maybe I should start with MasterP (that's what I'll call him, I don't want to use his real nor his recon name). His profile says he's 50, but he still looks incredible. I mean, I'm not into "old" men, but I thought he was attractive (I even said this to him when the subject of age preference was brought up heh). Also, as I found out, he's definitely worthy of being called "Master".

I'm not going to describe everything we did, but basically there were 3 positions, in the first one I was standing up, and most of the time my arms were behind my back. In the second one, he made me sit on a stool, and sort of tied my cock and balls to the stool. There was also some intense nipple play here, and some spanking. Third position had me against a closet, with my wrists tied to the top of the closet, in a sort of spread-eagled position. This part had the most intense spanking/whipping of the whole session.

Probably the most unique thing of the session is that I was blindfolded the whole time. It definitely made things more intense. Not just during play, but in between I could hear him move around and get new equipment, but I had no idea what he was going to do to me next. In a way, this was one of the biggest turn-ons for me.

I absolutely loved the way he handled my body, and especially my nipples and cock and balls. Honestly, he did things to me I didn't even know were possible! He made my already fairly sensitive nipples SUPER-sensitive, and he used some techniques on my cock...I can't describe them really - couldn't see what he did either (one disadvantage of being blindfolded maybe...) but it felt great, never felt anything like it.
Also, I'm definitely a spanking slut. It's weird because it never really turned me on that much when watching porn or whatever, but now, I couldn't get enough of it. It was actually the first thing I said after the session: "next time, feel free to make the spanking more intense!". Yeah. Spanking slut.

So I really enjoyed it, but what did he think of it? Well, I "passed the test" (his words, after the session). Even in the short break we had he already said I make a good bondage slave. Apparently I have very expressive body language (read: I get a hard-on the second something turns me on). It made it very easy for him to adjust certain things, but honestly, pretty much everything he did to me was hot and made my penis grow (if it wasn't already at full size). I suppose about the only thing that didn't turn me on as much was the cock and ball bondage, although I suppose it could've served as a quiet/slow moment in between the intense sessions.

It was a pretty short session because he had to leave for work. After the session he said something like "you wanted it to last longer, right? Well, there's PLENTY of things I could do to you later..." I thought something like "huh? But we already did so much! There's actually more???" Yeah, objectively speaking, we didn't do that much, but this was my first ever bondage session, and I already experienced a lot more than I thought I would.

So, yeah, it was an awesome experience. I hope to meet up with him soon, but it's quite hard finding time to meet up. I think I might even skip a uni lesson if we really can't meet up every 2 or 3 weeks or so (at least! I'd obviously prefer twice a week or something heh). I feel really really good with him, I'm really not a very trusting person but I trusted him almost instantly. And the way he handled me...really, it feels like a privilege being trained by him. I'm not worthy!

Okay, I think I wrote enough now...oh yeah!!! I did have my camera with me, but he didn't take any pictures. His argument was that it breaks up the session, and I totally agree with him. So yeah, no hot bondage pictures, sorry!

first week

Two unexpected things happened in my first week of lock up:
1) I got sick (some kind of flu, still suffering from it)
2) I got several people contacting me through recon, offering me a bondage session.

Thanks to be ill, I hardly had the time to be horny or anything. In fact, I didn't wear my cb on Tuesday and Wednesday night, and didn't even get a hard-on (although I probably got a morning erection, but not being in the cb I didn't feel it) . On the third day though, it just felt "wrong" to not be locked up, so I put it back on, and it hasn't come off since then, except to clean it. It made me realise that being locked up is no longer a kink, it's an addiction, something I NEED. Unless my future partner is very strongly opposed to me wearing one, I'm pretty sure I'll be wearing a chastity device of some sort for the rest of my life.

That reminds me, is anyone member of the cb3000 group on yahoo? They have a cb6000 hypnotism video. Well, it's a bunch of pictures, with a voice saying things like "you feel good when you're in the cb6000. You ALWAYS want to be in the cb6000" etc. I think it's pretty good, but it's only about the cb6000. You know, if I was a keyholder to someone, I'd make a similar mp3 file, but personalised and adjusted to whatever chastity device he's wearing, and I'd force him to listen to it 3 times a day. I'd try to make him feel good about being locked up, saying that locked boys are good boys, and that I'm proud of him. Stuff like that. I think the boy would enjoy that, especially if it's a long-distance relationship.
Anyway, just one of those ideas I get. Funny how I get these while I'm locked up myself.
If anyone wants that cb6000 hypnosis file without joining the group, let me know, I'll try to upload it somewhere (or send it straight to your email, it's less than 3MB).

The recon thing then. Well, I've had an account there for over a year, but I really only registered there, made a profile, and then never came back. Until I saw a link to someone's profile somewhere on this site. Logged in, updated my profile a bit, and went back offline. The next day, I logged in again, and saw a message from someone. Asked me what exactly I was looking for, etc. I did a very long reply, and asked him what he was offering. He said he's offering me bondage training, taking it slow at first, playing it safe, etc. so I was definitely interested. We were going to meetup on Wednesday, but by that time I was pretty ill, so I asked him to do it next week. He agreed.

Talked to him on the phone a couple of times, he seems nice enough. About the only "negative" thing about his is that he's 50, which is a bit older than what I'm normally looking for. But yeah, I told him it's not about sex or anything, I just want to have a bondage session. I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm really nervous as well. And when I'm nervous, I do stupid things, so I hope I don't embarrass myself.
Oh yeah, and I asked him if he wanted to take pictures of me all tied up, and he agreed! I'm quite happy with that, I have a couple of good pics I took of myself (long live the self-timer on cameras!) but it's going to be nice to get some new ones from an actual bondage session.

That's all I have to say for now. Next update will probably be on tuesday (unless my bondage date ends up being a serial killer that is).