I wasn't really motivated to do one recently, especially since I've been spending far less of my spare time on kinky things, but two days ago I got a comment from dave94 with two questions, questions I'd like to answer in an entry like this instead of just replying with a comment. They're interesting questions to think about, but rather hard to answer! I love the questions though, and if anyone else wants to ask me something, feel free to comment or ask on my formspring.
Do you have conflicted feelings about your interest in bdsm because of the limited relationship with master R or because of how you need to hide your interest from others?
That's hard to say. Master R showed me that I, when I'm in the right moodset, do enjoy bdsm greatly, and more importantly, he gave me more (sexual) self-confidence. At the time I wrote the 'doubt' entry I did want our relationship to be less limited, but right now I think anything more isn't necessary. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything more with anyone really. I would imagine some of these doubts and conflicting feelings to go away when I have a steady relationship, but never completely.
Having to hide my interest in bdsm annoys me at times, but I'm actually not sure if it's one of the reasons for my conflicted feelings. It's definitely not the main reason; it's frustrating for me, but having this blog, and people I can talk to both online and in real life, is a good way to not get depressed or overly annoyed with it.
If you lived in a community that supported sex-positive attitudes, would your conflicted feelings be less?
Very interesting question. But it's still a "what if?" question, and I honestly have no idea. Less conflicted feelings? Very possibly. No conflicted feelings? I don't think so. Even if you leave out my education (which was generally sex-negative), my overly self-critical and analytical personality would never allow me to have a doubt-free sex/bdsm life. Guilt-free, maybe, but doubt-free, I don't think so. Less conflicted, possibly. Like I already said, I'm thinking (or rather hoping) some of these doubts will go away once I find a partner who is into the same things as I am.
I think many of my conflicting feelings stem from my own personality and way of thinking, rather than an outside influence. Obviously there is an outside influence, but other people can handle that just fine, so it's mostly 'internal' issues I have to deal with myself. Sometimes I just need to tell myself to "get over it and move on", instead of endlessly analysing it.
I have to say a lot of my doubts and fears around the time of that entry came from reading too many blogs and talking to too many people in a very short amount of time. Yes, it's good to be informed and know about the possibilties, but at that time I was a bit overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that this is MY journey, and not let myself be too influenced by people. Ultimately it's about me, not about them, as selfish as that might sound.
And one of those people has been, and still is in a way, Master R. He has repeatedly stated he doesn't believe in bisexuality. When I was dating his slave/protegé, he sent me a message saying "I'm happy you finally accepted you're gay." That actually fueled my never-ending sexual identity crisis. I consider myself bi, but there I was, sleeping with a guy, really enjoying sex with him, connecting with him on a physical and emotional level. I must be gay, right? But then, why did I still "notice" girls the same way I did before? That made me doubt any and every sexual feeling I ever had.
I've been struggling with my bisexual feelings ever since I noticed I can look at guys the same way I can look at girls, which was when I was 19 or 20. I know there's no need to label myself as anything, but I'm a simple guy and I like to keep things simple. It would be much easier if I could label myself as gay or straight, but that would be a lie.
I used to describe myself as "bi-asexual" to some friends, and I still think it's a not completely untrue description. Compared to most people I know, I'm far less into sex and dating and porn and whatever, but at the same time, I can get (emotionally and physically) attracted to members of both genders. But my interest in BDSM overshadows all of this, BDSM is basically my main sexuality, everything else is secondary.
And I think that's enough for this entry. Next entry will be less emo, I promise.