December 30, 2013


Well it's the end of the year, time to look back and look forward!

2013 was definitely a year of two halves; one before mid-july and one after. In the first 7 months of the year I was able to do 4 trips to London, each of them fun, unique and with new experiences.
February visit: first taste of the rigid irons, having Sir and Boss (Tskinboot) together was a lot of fun, meeting Sir's big bro, and losing my virginity :O
March visit: doing the Underground club trifecta (Spankz, FetishBound and Collared), briefly having a slave brother, being beaten hard!
May visit: forced haircut and being pissed on right after (one of the best scenes ever for me), rope suspension by Tskin at FetishBound, more traumatising humiliation play!
July: bondage weekend with Bondisimo, being very very horny, and feeling like I'm part of a family.

After that, not much happened when it came to kink. It's part laziness, part thinking "but it won't be the same without Sir or the friends I already know", and part not having a lot a self-confidence, thinking I'm not good enough, etc., which only got worse as time went on. It's a lot of little things about myself that annoy me, and obviously the best way to counter this is to meet new people and realise it's mostly in my head, but... I just couldn't do that.

So I guess I have something to work on in 2014; feeling more confident and meeting new people. Funny (or tragic) is that I wrote the same thing in my 2012/2013 entry. Quite honestly though, I have other priorities for next year which are more important than play. There's still plenty of things I want to do and people I want to meet, but it can't be all play!

As for the blog, there's been a noticeable drop in readers the past few months but that's only normal since I didn't have many experiences (or pics) to share. Just like every year there have been instances where I thought "oh what's the point anyway" but the blog is still here and staying here, even if there might not be a lot of updates coming.

Lastly, a big thank you to my friends for being my friends :)

December 21, 2013

Secretary (movie review)

I assume most people have seen this movie by now, if not, go see it now and come back when you're done! Spoilers and all that.

I saw this movie about a year after it came out I think, so at that time I knew I was into BDSM, but had no real life experience. I was turned on about some aspects in this, but I only understood some things when I saw it again and read more about actual BDSM relationships rather than just wank material heh.

I saw it many more times since then, and I did so again this week, as I thought it would be interesting to talk about on this blog.

First of all I would like to talk about some of the problems of the movie, or rather how people seem to misunderstand it. I've read some comments from people who think the main characters are in an abusive relationship. I'll talk about that more later. Secondly, there's the criticism that Lee is "crazy" and therefor BDSM is only for crazy people. Well, we could have a long discussion about what "crazy" really means - she had psychological problems and needed help. When you know that 1 in 6 people in the US suffer from depression at some point in their lives, being "crazy" suddenly seems pretty normal. And most of us have our own demons to fight in our head.

Quite honestly, I find Mr. Grey to be just as "damaged", if not more so, than Lee. He's neurotic, asocial (count the number of people he talks to outside of work - I found 1, when he asks for his laundry), avoidant (hiding - in the closet! - for his ex-wife), and as the movie progresses, you can tell he's far more troubled with his own sexuality and feelings than Lee. Lee basically unlocked his sexuality and made him accept himself, something all the other secretaries (and one wife) failed to do. So, where's the abuse in this again? Though I have to admit, the first time he spanks Lee, is a bit... wrong. She didn't give him her consent for that first spanking. I mean, the fact that she stayed there and did what he said is a form of consent, but that very first time he hits That's a tricky situation when you're trying to explain consent is one of the pillars of BDSM. And leaving Lee at that desk for 3 days is cruel, I say he should have stopped after he saw her pick up the phone with her mouth!

Also, I somewhat feel sorry for Peter. I think he genuinely cared for her a great deal, but he showed that in a very pushy way. I can understand him of course, he's no prize catch himself, and Lee (at least at the start of the movie) is in his league. Though in the end we know he can't give her what she wants, it's still kind of sad that he ends up alone.

The sweetest parts of the movie are at the end. When she's at the desk, people drop by with positive and negative comments. The feminist was easily the worst, no? People don't understand that submission isn't a sign of weakness, it takes strength to submit. I loved what her dad said though: "You are the child of God's holy gift of life. You come from me. But you are not me. Your soul and your body are your own, and yours to do with as you wish." I thought that was a very unexpected turn of events; her dad obviously caused her a lot of emotional pain, but he did care about her. The psychiatrist also said some good things, like "who's to say that love needs to be soft and gentle?"
Another good quote was from Peter when he notices she doesn't want to remove her hands from the desk. Peter: "Is this something sexual?" Lee: "Does this look sexual to you?"
Also loved the ending of course, Lee saying she felt pretty for the first time in her life, the way Mr. Grey bathed her and practically worshipped her... their little honeymoon was nice as well hehe.

As a frequent visitor to IMdB, I was surprised the message board for this movie were quite reasonable. Like this one and that one. It has some things I'm trying to say here, but better!

I think that's all I have to say about it...

No wait. What's wrong with being tied to a burning stove while having tomatoes thrown at you?

November 8, 2013

Tattoos and tobacco

I asked Sir for some topics I could write about, and his answer was "tattoos and tobacco", so that's what I'll be writing about.

Smoking fetish first. First of all I have to say that I hate the smell of smoke. Be it cigarettes, cigars or pipes. Tobacco stinks. I'm hyper-sensitive when it comes to some senses (my hearing especially), when it comes to smelling this can be a good thing or a bad thing, and with tobacco it's a very bad thing.

However, being forced to smell something I don't like in a kink scene is something else entirely. I still won't like the smell, but in the proper mindset it could be a horny scene. I mean, as a slave I have no right to tell my Master what to do... if he wants to have a cigar in front of me and blow the smoke in my face, fully knowing I hate the smell, what can I do? If I complain I'll get slapped or punished in another way... like having to wear the gas mask with him blowing the smoke through the hose... Yeah, that would be a good scene to do at some point. But definitely not something for every day.

Tattoos then. This has been pretty much a fetish since my teen years. Yet I still don't have any. I suppose there are two big reasons for that: I'm not sure about the design of the tattoo (even though I have quite a few ideas), and I feel like my body isn't a very good canvas for a tattoo. My body is full of spots and moles, especially on my upper back, which is definitely an area where I would have liked a tattoo. Another place I like for tattoos is on the legs, lower leg and upper leg. The upper leg allows for a more 'hidden' tattoo in a way, which I like.
One design I've always liked (and is still the most likely candidate I guess) is the vegvisir, a nordic compass sigil. Being blonde with blue eyes, I'm obviously a Nord myself (ha!) so if I ever need to make an excuse for this tattoo, I can say it's part of my cultural heritage!! I really like runes in general, at some point I tried to come up with my own rune-inspired alphabet, but I never went through with that. Still, the idea of the vegvisir and runes as a tattoo must have been in my head for more than five years now...
In general, I like simple designs and symbols, but I also like certain art styles, tattoos can really be art... I quite like the Japanese style, the full sleaves and back pieces are usually really impressive.

You can also have tattoos that fit in a master-slave dynamic. I must admit it's hot to see guys having a "slave" tattoo somewhere on their body, but I don't think I would ever allow that. In English (or any western language) in any case, if it was in Thai or Persian or something that also looks nice, I'd probably say yes. Something like "boy" or "submissive" in another language would work as well.

I've always liked barcode tattoos as well, in fact that was a tattoo that I had in mind before the Nordic stuff. More as a social commentary on how in a modern capitalist society, everyone is a product with a certain value. But of course that also works in the BDSM world. On The Slave Register you can get a randomly assigned number and barcode, and some people have a tattoo of this (I have my code as a dog tag).
Another idea is that of a chain link tattoo. It's sometimes part of my fantasies, my master deciding that I need a constant reminder that I am a slave, so he gets a chain link tattooed around my ankle... it would make me Rauber, in chains - permanently!! As I said before, the idea of having a master deciding my appearance, from haircut and dress style to piercings and tattoos, is one of my favourite fantasies.

That's all I can think of for now.

November 1, 2013

Kinky dream night.

I had 2 kinky dreams last night. I usually remember 1 or 2 dreams every night, but kinky dreams are pretty rare.

First dream: I was naked, tied up, chained and shackled on the floor. There's a big, bear-ish guy towering over me. "You're mine now, aren't you boy" he says in a booming voice. All sorts of thoughts race through my head. I realise this guy could easily break me in all the wrong ways. He seems to sense my worries and gives me a big, warm smile. For some reason that smile eases my mind instantly. He comes closer, smiles again, and touches my shoulder. I close my eyes, I feel my body relax, and I fall into a subspace free of worries. The only thing I'm aware of now is my cock growing harder...

Second dream: I'm with a dom who has tied up/mummified and gagged a boy. I slowly walk over the boy (not on him, but with one leg on one side and the other on the other side). I'm just being silly, but when I get closer to his head, he spits out his gag and says "please let me suck your cock!" I'm surprised by this, because I didn't expect to be part of the play, and also because I'm not that fond of having my dick sucked (explained that yesterday, I have a very sensitive cockhead). But I started considering it anyway...
The end.

First dream was great, and I wish I could draw (or, had the patience to learn how to draw), because I would love to make a drawing of that dream. It would be really easy to get the feeling of the dream across, maybe even easier than just writing about it. A picture says more than a thousand words, or something. If any creative people are reading this, feel free to use the first dream as your next subject. I'm sure there are pictures with this subject matter all over the place, but they are usually aggressive, while in my dream, the dom was intimidating but also warm and tender. Anyway, I liked the dream a lot. Both dreams were pretty realistic, in the way that I was very self-aware of my body and would react pretty much the same (physically and mentally) in real life.

October 31, 2013

Some xtube videos I like

One of my favourite fantasies/scenes is a "skinhead conversion"; meaning a 'normal' guy being turned into a skinhead slave. I think it's fun because it can have many elements I like: bondage, boot licking, mild aggro play, piss, etc., and of course 'forced' shaving.
I like the next video because it has some of those elements, overall I suppose it is kinda tame and quite short, but I really like how he gets his dog tags at the end and is part of the gang heh.

Related to that, here's another one involving someone I know hehe:

And then a more recent video:

I've really gotten into sneaker/sock sniffing this year (it's my pup side I guess) and of course I already liked foot play... so this is a very nice video for me. Super is such a great pup as well.

Moving on... I think everyone who reads this has seen (or should have seen) at least one NetterSadist video, they are usually quite good. I like the next one for a lot of reasons, but I guess mostly because of the noises the victim makes :D I've experienced the neuro wheel, and I love using it on boys as well. Haven't yet had ice cube and wax play, that will happen at some point I guess. Oh and there's some piss play at the end of the video for people who are into that...

And the last one...

This one I only like for the last part of the video... the evil dom uses toothpaste and a toothbrush on the poor sub's cockhead!!! Being uhh, a little sensitive in that area, this is almost painful to watch for me. I hope no-one ever does that to me... :P

Maybe I'll share some more videos next month... because otherwise my blog is pretty much dead.

September 26, 2013

Another poem

Last week Sir and I had a conversation about bdsm and love, and how some people seem to seperate those two while they can be one and the same.
It's...something hard to explain (for me at least), but it inspired me to write one of my short little poems. It only took me about 10 minutes, but I think I managed to make it honest and funny - just the way I like to write my poems. 


piss on me
tie me up
slap me
use the cane on me
(and the brush)
shove your foot in my face
put me in irons
and pull my ear while you take me to bed

why do I like all this?
because you do it
out of love
for me

(and also a little bit because we're both perverts)

September 18, 2013

Why I don't like BDSM checklists

Earlier this year a dom contacted me and we have a brief conversation. Brief, because pretty much all he said was "hi, give me your email address, I will send you a BDSM checklist, return it to me". His profile wasn't too bad, and I suppose I was desperate/horny as I usually don't respond to messages that already have a tone of superiority towards me from the get-go.
I tried to do the checklist - it was a long and detailed one - but ultimately I gave up. I noticed that I wrote a whole lot in the "extra comments" part, and realised that the things I wrote there were infinitely more valuable to a dom than all the yes/no and 0-10 things I had to complete. All that was filler, clutter, stuff that got in the way of me telling what exactly attracted me to bondage and BDSM,  and who -I- was and what I wanted.

Besides, if that particular dom can't even trouble himself to have a decent conversation with me, what's my guarantee that a session with him wouldn't be a quick and lazy job on his part? It certainly doesn't inspire much confidence that he has a list do all the preparation work for him.

There also the fact that BDSM, in my humble opinion, isn't digital. It's not just 0 or 1. Black or white. Even if you go from 1 to 10 for let's say, pain, my 5 isn't your 5. I'm not saying numbers are completely meaningless... but they're pretty meaningless overall. Especially compared to using, you know, words.

Checklists have their uses, inexperienced people can look at it as a list of possibilities, and for some people it might be interesting to fill in the same list every year and compare it to the previous years to see what has changed. Even then, the best thing you can do is compare checklists and then make your own personalised one.

I had a sub send me a checklist, but I already knew everything I had to know through chatting with him. It was a nice extra I suppose but superfluous as far as I was concerned.

As an alternative to a checklist, I had someone ask me to simply send him a mail with my likes, dislikes and limits. I like that approach, it allowed me to go into detail on why I like certain things, while mentioning previous experiences. It allows a lot more freedom and creativity compared to having just a list to follow. Of course a lazy sub could just send a mail containing a list of things with no further explanation...

Another alternative is having the sub write a few fantasies, or stories about things that excite him and that he wants to do. It requires some creativity but something like that gives (or should give) a good insight to the sub's headspace and his personalised view on BDSM. At the very least it should show how 'grounded' he is, if his main fantasy is about being fucked by 50 guys in public... well, at least it's a fantasy the dom can use during play I suppose.

Anyway, as always this is just my personal opinion, checklists can be good I suppose but I personally prefer the alternatives I talked about here. Also, none of my UK friends/masters had me fill in a checklist, and look how awful that turned out! So much miscommunication, so many thing that went wrong...tsk tsk. It's obvious that having actual conversations amounts to nothing!

But yeah, everyone does what he/she wants of course. Actually I read an interesting article... but that will have to wait for another day :)

September 2, 2013

Nine degrees of submission

I found something called "9 degrees of submission" on Officer Wes' site (very interesting site, worth a (long!) visit). I'll copy them here and then give my own opinion. As an aside, this list actually comes from an article written by Diana Vera for "The Lesbian S&M safety manual" published in 1988!

August 26, 2013

To Sir, with love

thank you for training me as your boy
even though it's not always easy for me (nor you)
I know I have my limitations as a person and as a sub
but you know my respect for you and my submission is sincere
as friends we can have a good conversation and have a good laugh
as a boy I will always get a hug from you when I need one
yet I know the cane is never far away
be it a cuddle or a caning, I'm happy with any attention I get from you
even the puppy wags his tail when he feels your touch
you make me feel vulnerable, valuable and safe
and above all, loved
for a lonely boy from the orphanage, that means the world
(even though you are a dirty smelly southerner)
you are a great friend, master and daddy
as well as my mentor and eternal tormentor
it really is a pleasure to be your friend
and an honour to be collared by you
I'm looking forward to my next stay in London
and hope to serve you well
(but please don't feed me any porridge or chorizo!)

your boy

August 7, 2013

London re-view

Yes, finally. I'll do this by theme, and not 100% chronologically.

FetishBound. It was fun seeing the "regulars" (Tskin, Smse14, PupDH, etc.) and meeting some new guys. It was nice seeing the TSkin pack and some new, temporal addictions to the pack hehe. It would take some time to explain the hierarchy in that pack, but anyway, it was nice seeing them all together. Before I went I was sure TSkin would be too busy with his pack and other guys to give me any attention play-wise, so I wasn't expecting much in terms of action from this FetishBound. But he did tie me to the cross and gave my back a good flogging with these!! Maybe it was because this was my first action in some time, or that I'm not used to being flogged, but it did feel quite hard after a while, and near the end it was definitely close to my limit. Any harder and it would have not been enjoyable for me. But now it was okay and it left some very nice marks on my back hehe. Oh and it was nice that at one point Smse14 stepped in to protect me by taking some hits himself... He told me it was because I took some hits for him the previous time, so all is even now. Later on I was part of a paddling pile-up at the cross!
Even later CPHMaster and his friends came in. One of them was Bondissimo who tied me up. Eventually I ended up hogtied on the bondage table, "forced" to smell my own sneakers and at the mercy of evil people who kept poking and tickling me!!! What a nightmare! ...okay okay, it was actually good fun. I mean, I hated it, but in a good way, you know what I mean?
So all in all it was a very good evening.

Bondage weekend. I didn't do anything else Fetishweek-related, but I did visit CPHMaster on Saturday and Sunday - both days I was Bondissimo's bondage victim. He is a very relaxed guy who does great bondage. I was encouraged to escape, but couldn't do it until he did a pretty but fairly easy one the second day. I wasn't the only one being tied up that weekend though, Bondissimo had his partner along, and another friend of CPHMaster was staying over as well. There was so, so much rope in the living room hehe. So that was fun, even though I would've liked to have gone to Collared as well, but I can always do that some other time.
Spent also more(mostly non-kinky) time with CPHMaster during the rest of my stay as well. Although I did have fun at his place playing with a guy, together with Sir. Well, Sir played with him while I "assisted" hehe. I wanted to try out something new (scratching, in long, slow strokes - there's a fellow blogger who likes this a lot and I wanted to try it out on someone else). He loved it, far more than I expected, which was nice of course! Later, I got some tips on how to spank properly, had to try that out immediately of course, and since there was only one naked behind available in the room... I think the tips helped but I'll need a lot more practice to become a good spanker! And bigger hands...

Pup play. When we were in a shop, I noticed some dog toys and brought it to the attention of Sir. I saw a nice fluffy...creature (otter or something?) and when I found out it was actually a squeaky toy I loved it even more. So I gently coerced Sir into buying it for his puppy hehe.
As for the pup play itself, I got a new tail (anal beads, not easy to get into my almost-virgin(!) hole, but so satisfying when I wag my tail and feel it moving about). As always, the pup spent his time between sleeping and playing, which included sniffing everything and everyone, hiding shoes, eating socks, slobbering all over the new toy, and emptying Sir's suitcase which was still full of kinky toys (and smelled heavily of rubber and leather). Pup found something with a chain and probably thought it was a leash, but it turned out to be leather restraints connected by a chain - and the pup was promptly locked into them! Animal cruelty! :(
Anyway, I'm not as deep into the pup thing as most people I know, for me it's just for fun, and I find it very relaxing as well.

Family day at Thorpe Park! That was so much fun. Not just the actual rides and stuff (even though it was my first time there and everything was new and exciting to me), but also spending time with my "family" and a new friend (the one I played with at CPHMaster's place). So it was an amazing day, but at the end of the day I felt quite sad, knowing that days like this only come along once a year or something. But at least there are the good memories.

Being a boy. The dog toy, now named "Mr. Cuddles", got a second life as a cuddly toy for the boy. I was surprised how this, together with how Sir talked about it to me, could send me deep into a boy headspace. At one point it felt like the only thing that mattered was Mr. Cuddles and me being with him, nothing else. At the time, these moments felt normal, but thinking back on it, it was weird and maybe a little scary how deep I went. I'm not even that much into age play... so this was a very interesting experience.

Also, the worst thing ever happened... at some point, Sir sent me to my room because he wasn't happy with my behavior. That was probably the hardest punishment I ever got. Also because it was on our last evening. I'm going to admit there were some tears and I needed a lot of cuddles afterwards.

Being a horny sub. By the time I got to cum on my last day there, I had been locked up for 15 days. In the meantime Sir took advantage of my horniness :( We went to Spankz, we had some rough play while he told me a fantasy, it made me very horny. It resulted in me begging to suck his cock... was humiliating to do this while other perverts were watching us! Even after this I was still feeling very horny and subby, so I just had to lick his boots.
The last few days were awful. Was so horny I was humping the sofa in plain view, and instead of helping me Sir just made fun of my horniness, had a wank in front of me and ordered me to swallow his cum.
Then on the last day I was finally allowed to cum, after a bit of play, including electro and a beating of my cock and balls. Eventually I was allowed to masturbate myself, but had to cum within a 100 strokes, or the chastity device would go back on. Took me 75 strokes! I think in a way I didn't even want to cum, because I sort of liked being stupidly horny, and people taking advantage of my horniness hehe.

Daily kink. Most nights I slept with the rigid irons on, and the new metal collar. Got my beatings as well but not as much and not as intense as previous times. Then again, getting beaten on my back with the cane was new and the result looked really nice, not because he hit me hard but because of my supersensitive pale skin! (see the pic below).
I also spent more time naked than usual - normally something I don't mind, but it does feel weird when everyone is wearing clothes and you're the only naked one. This eventually made me uncomfortable enough to ask permission to put on clothes.
And I've been licking feet quite a bit, I'm still a bit weirded out how much I can get into this - but also how I sometimes want to say "fuck off" when Sir pushes his feet in my face hehe. I think it's one of those few things I like doing out of my own free will rather than wanting someone to force me to do it. If that makes any sense. Not that it does have to make any sense...

Final thoughts. I think that's about all I have to say. Overall, I got the feeling there was less play than usual, but then it also felt that I was really becoming part of the family, not just as a boi/sub but as a "normal" guy as well. It was really nice to have this sense of belonging, being appreciated for who I am.
It might be quite some time before I visit again, but right now I'm at peace with that. It was a long visit and I have a lot of good memories from it. I'm quite happy with how my relationship is with everyone I met on my visit, so I don't have that "unfinished business" feeling I get most of the time when I come back.
If I come up with some more thoughts on this visit, I might do another entry.

July 6, 2013

London wishlist

Every time I visit Sir in London, I'm allowed to make a little wishlist of things I would like to do, and write some short little fantasies. No, that's not topping from the bottom, it's being a good sub! Seriously, with this, and especially the fantasies, it's easier for him to understand my (sub) mindset. I think this helped us out especially the first few times I went to visit. I'm not the most communicative sub out there, so sharing the way I normally think and feel during during a session, and writing about things that turn me on and especially why they're turning me on, is a really good thing to do on beforehand.
I have the feeling this became unnecessary  for the last couple of times I visited, as we are pretty much "in tune" now, but I still did it and continue to do it. I quite like writing the little fantasies. Sometimes the wishlist is very short (I think two months ago, all I wished for was more time in the irons, and trying out electro), but now it's a long list and a few fantasies!! I do feel sort of bad about it being fairly long, but it's not like I'll bring along a checklist and leave disappointed when I wasn't able to check the box with everything. They're suggestions, not orders.

Normally I wouldn't share this on my blog, as I feel it's something personal that can sometimes make not much sense to readers if you don't know our background and how our relationship works, but Sir ordered me to share it, so...

Here's the list:

Lots of hugs. Every day.

Let's see if I can wear the metal collar for an extended period of time, or if it'll cut into my skin after a while. If there are no problems with it, I'd love to wear it all the time (indoors that is...)

Some pup play, would really like doing this when we have a quiet night in.

Being "forced" to stay naked indoors, and not allowed to use any furniture, for at least one whole day.

Going to Camden and get me tattooed/pierced. (just kidding...or am I?)

We should at least talk about making me a "hypno" mp3... like we talked about before; something I could listen to every night before going to bed, with you telling me I'm a good boy, that I need to submit to you, that it feels good to submit to you, etc., something very positive in general.

If you're free those days/nights, we could go to one of these: Spankz (Thursday), Feet on Friday (guess), Boys and Sirs (Saturday).

Some more anal training maybe? I'd like to try the metal plug again as I can't believe I got that in last year.

Morning and evening beatings, please :) With the cane, not with the wooden brush!

The fantasies:

June 30, 2013

Fetish Week London, and why I almost didn't go.

The title already gives it away: I am going to London again in July, during Fetish Week (well, the last weekend). I'm staying a full week in London after that, making this my "official" summer holiday since I don't have money to go anywhere else! Of course the real reason is that I want to spend more time with Sir, since he won't be there during Fetish Week.

This trip has been on my mind for at least a month, trying to decide whether it's worth it, weighing the pros and cons, and internally debating the emotional and rational arguments.
There were three big reasons not to go this time. Sir won't be home during Fetish Week... ultimately maybe not that big of a deal, since I'll be seeing (or hoping to see) a few friends at the events I'll go to. But it would've been really nice if he was there to go with me. Plus it will feel weird to stay at his place but without him being there. He also said he probably won't have a lot of time for me, which is obviously a good reason to choose another date to come over...
Secondly, my attitude towards Fetish Week in general. I said this before, I'm not that much into gear, and I'm not into cruising. When I go to kinky places, I want it to be with friends, and I want to get some play. Basically, 95% of Fetish Week isn't for me. I'll probably just go to the Fetishbound, Collared and some shops, and that's it. I can do that combination 12 times a year. Plus everything will be busier in July, which I also don't like. I would say this is the biggest reason for not going... (but wait! There is a counter-argument for this in a few moments!)
  Lastly, finances. I won't bore you with the details but as it stands now it's quite possible this will be my last trip to London this year. Though if I can manage to stop buying Lego I might scrape together enough to do another trip hehe.

So why did I decide to go after all? Well, emotional reasons, I guess. London is becoming my second home, where my second family lives. Any opportunity to visit them is a good one.

As for going during Fetish Week: it will be busy, yes, but there will also be tons of people attending FetishBound I never (or hardly ever) get to see face to face but know from twitter or recon or whatever. TSkin will have his complete pack with him, there will be people from all over Europe (looking forward to seeing Trikoot again for example) and obviously all the FB regulars hehe. I'm not the most sociable/talkative person (far from it really!) but it's always nice to see familiar faces, and have a sense of community, if you know what I mean. That's important to me. And at FetishBound I definitely feel more at home than any other kink event.

That's about it. Now that I booked my tickets, it's important to try to leave the doubts and any negative feelings behind, and go there with a good mindset. I'll probably have one or two more blog updates about this before I leave.

June 27, 2013

Blogger policy update

I guess most of us got the mail about a new policy Google is enforcing for adult content bloggers, if not, here it is:

Important Update to Adult Content Policy on Blogger

You are receiving this message because you are the admin of a blog hosted on Blogger which is identified to have Adult content.
Please be advised that on June 30th 2013, we will be updating our Content Policy to strictly prohibit the monetization of Adult content on Blogger. After June 30th 2013, we will be enforcing this policy and will remove blogs which are adult in nature and are displaying advertisements to adult websites.
If your adult blog currently has advertisements which are adult in nature, you should remove them as soon as possible as to avoid any potential Terms of Service violation and/or content removals.
The Blogger Team

 So basically you have to remove any ads/banners/whatever that link to "adult websites". I'm a little pissed off about this, more restrictions are hardly ever a good thing, but at the same time, I've seen "blogs" that are really nothing more but walls of ads to sex sites and shops. This new policy is probably mostly to counter those people, but since this is Google they'll probably use the big broom and delete every blog that even has the smallest hint of ads/monetization. On the other hand, their turf, their rules, if you don't like it, there are always other options.

Related to this, a friendly reminder, you can back-up your blog and save all your entries and comments. On the main blogger page, go to settings - other, and under blogger tools you can see "export blog", click on that and then download. The file will be saved as an XML file, so it's easy to import it to another site or blogging service. I recommend doing a back-up regularly anyway.

Regular updating will resume shortly!

June 21, 2013

Sauna visit and birthday spanking

CPHmaster (who is my master's big bro, so technically my uncle!) had some time between flights during a stop-over in Brussels, and we arranged to meet up. He remembered visiting a very nice sauna in Brussels a few years ago, so he suggested going there again.

The sauna, Oasis, is huge and very beautiful. Almost worth visiting just to admire how great this place looks. Just look at the pics on the site... and upstairs it has about 20 little rooms for private and less private fun. From basement to attic, it's clean and has a great interior.
But my favourite part was definitely the dungeon, a dark room in the basement that has heavy iron bars as a door. It was open and we couldn't close it, which was kind of a shame hehe. They had a room with a vault door as well. You could have a little kinky party down there...

However, as I suspected a gay sauna isn't really my thing at all. I appreciate that it's just guys, and no need for any shame, but the whole cruising thing is not for me. As I said before, "vanilla" gay sex (sucking and fucking) is boring to me, I'm only interested in kinky stuff. And even then I need to have a sort of connection with the other person for it to be fun for me. (yes I know, I'm very much "special needs"!)

The visit was really only fun for me because I was with CPHmaster. Chatting and relaxing, I felt very safe with him. We had a little bit of play as well... and I got not one but two birthday spankings! I'm such a lucky boy hehe.

He took a picture after the last spanking, and I thought it was too pretty not to share with you guys:

That's it. As for the next kinky event, I'm still trying to decide whether I should go to London for Fetish Week or not...

June 9, 2013

May London visit: the pics

I promised to post some pics from my London visit last month, but apparently the ones Sir took aren't worth posting, so here are the ones I do have...

From Fetishbound: suspended by TSkinBoot, and then licking boots under smse14! 

More pics on the Fetishbound site...

The next two were taken when I was back home, and you can see the damage I took by the hand of evil masters...

The last one is the result of a flogging I had at FetishBound by TSkinBoot... I don't think the marks were meant to be this bad hehe. The marks weren't a problem but I think we were both surprised how it looked after a couple of days. Probably not something we should do during the summer hehe. 

That's all. More updates coming soon... 

May 29, 2013

xtube video: edging session

Since I'm still waiting on someone to send me some pics of my London visit, here's something to keep you pervs occupied.

Here's the description of the video (it's a porn story on it's own hehe)

"boy was with Sir Joseph for 5 hours total and had an over 3 hour edging session with him consisting of 2 scenes. boy met Sir J at the hotel where he would be staying a couple hours ahead of when he could officially check in. So Sir J and boy went out for some food, we chatted, relaxed and hung out, it was good to get to know him in real life, much more talkative in real life then through messenger or text message. Sir J was exactly as he had presented himself through all our communication; really a nice guy. So after that boy was already feeling pretty comfortable. After that We went back to the hotel got upstairs and unpacked gear, still hanging out and relaxing a bit but breaking the ice, boy then decided to really break the ice and start things off and just put on his ball-lock in front of him (He was seeming shy/a bit nervous but eager so boy thought a bit of pushing wasn't a bad thing). 

Then we grabbed a drink at the Outback steakhouse and came back, boy double checked his clean-out and then was ready for the first scene. boy's wrists were bound then boy was tied in a rope-harness to which his writs were secured; boy was loosing feeling in his hands, and as Sir J was assisting boy in fixing this Sir J went through a great detailed explanation as to WHY boy was receiving that feeling, going in depth to the anatomy of the wrist and the nerve cluster there and so-on. Really reassured boy at how much Sir J knew what he was doing. While Sir J tied boy up he spent alot of time teasing and just stroking at boy's cock and balls, grinding against him and so forth, very erotic to be teased while submitting and becoming less and less in control. once fixed in the full harness boy was shifted onto the bed and his ankles were bound to the rope around his shoulders and then secured at the center of the harness, it was a very comfortable hog-tie,boy's hands were still bothering him a bit but boy was told to keep them moving a bit every now and again and it wouldn't be a problem and it wasn't. boy was then blindfolded and gagged with a big rubber ball gag then left there to ponder the situation, being helpless... tied up... at Sir's mercy. Truly an interesting moment, boy experimented pulling at things trying to figure out where Sir J had secured what, it was fun trying to reverse engineer the knots. boy just can't shut off the logic side of his brain. 

Sir J went right into fucking boy (with a condom of course), boy would go into more detail but to boy, fucking is fucking, it was fun but that was just the warm-up. After He was through He climbed up on the bed behind boy and had boy in more of a doggy style position and brought me to my first edge. then just left boy there as he sat down, helpless and bound, as He teased boy about how badly boy wanted cum, and how boy had to earn it. so boy blindfolded, gagged and hogtied squirmed his way over and using his face and tongue somehow found Sir J's crotch and he licked at Sir J's balls from around the gag as best he could tongue just barely able to snake out. eventually boy worked the knot of the gag loose (Sir approved boy removing it -- not in violation of boy rules). then boy could really get at them until Sir J got off for the first time. 

Then Sir J had boy on his side while he brought boy to another edge, then proceed to use what he bought the batteries for. a cock-ring vibrator with two very large bullet vibrators built into them. he used the vibrators as handles fucking it up and down boy's cock slowly while boy writhed and moaned. He easily brought boy to another two edges with that. then Sir J used his hand randomly just giving boy one stroke while boy was right on the edge. making boy yelp. this kept up for a LOOOOONG time... boy then got a surprise call from his (of all people) parents so after an hour and a half total we took a break. When we came back boy was tied simply wrists to ankles and boy was brought to a quick edge. then Sir said he would count to ten, and proceeded to polish boy's head ten times going slower and slower each time. boy was kicking and screaming. boy was brought to another edge and then was let to cool down. 

Sir warmed boy back up with another edge, going back to random stroking and smacking his balls around, boy was in bliss Sir. just incoherently moaning a ton. This same pattern happened again 2 more times, however the second time the count was 20, the 3rd time the count was 30 times! boy was going apeshit, kicking and moaning and yelling, boy thought for sure the cops were going to come. boy was teased for a long while more before boy then asked Sir politely if he would like to film this portion and Sir agreed, insert a plug in boy's rump and started filming..."

It's really a great edging session, and I love the interaction between boy and Sir... it looks like they're having FUN, you know, rather than creating a porn scene just for the sake of creating a porn scene. The Sir here looks so relaxed, but still alert and really takes care of his sub, communicating with him, joking around... he's very very good. Gotta love that moment near the end, where he keeps counting beyond a 100 hehe. 

Both boy and Sir are hot, and I've said this before, but as far as I'm concerned there's no sweeter sound in BDSM than the muffled moans, cries and pleas from a gagged boy. 
Also, both the video and description makes me think of when I was edged by my Sir J heh. I know how much torture this is - it's so intense, and it looks like the boy isn't even as sensitive as I am, so just imagine him being at least twice as loud and kicking about and making a scene, then you'll have an idea about what happened on my last day. Yes, that trauma is still very fresh in my memory! 
Then again, I guess something that was said in this video also applies to me whenever I complain about being hurt or uncomfortable or anything... 

"I thought you said you were a masochist!" 

May 21, 2013

May London visit

The first day was already awful: I was forced to eat vegetables!! I protested a little but I knew I would be punished if I didn't eat them (well, I would get punished anyway, but whatever).
The daily before-bed-beating wasn't new, but having to sleep in the rigid irons was! Only my wrists, but still. The first night was quite uncomfortable, trying to find a good position to sleep solidly. Second night went better.

We had a boy over, a cute pain piggy who just couldn't get enough of getting his balls smacked. I was allowed to torture him as well, using my hands, a little (but seriously nasty!!!) whip, the neurowheel, and even  kicking him with my boots. It was good fun for me, I have my sadistic side, but I still wasn't as mean as Sir hehe. Then again, the boy was very demanding, even when he was tied up and genitals exposed to our mean hands, so he deserved some actual punishment, and not just pleasure. And when it was all done, I've never seen anyone get his clothes on that fast haha. These straight boys, tsk tsk.

The next day I had my first taste of electro play. I was honestly expecting not to like it much (I'm a very 'jumpy' person so I thought the shocks would annoy me), but I ended up liking it a lot. Well, the softer pulsations mostly, not the very hard ones hehe. But definitely something I wanted to do more. Sir told me that at the end of my visit, he would try to make me cum by just using the electro...
In the evening I had the usual abuse... Sir really seemed to enjoy me practically choking on his cock... I didn't :( But what's a boy to do? If I refuse I get beaten, if I don't try my best I get beaten... well I get beaten anyway, but there's still a difference between the normal beatings and punishment beatings!!!

Friday was Fetishbound day!! But first I still needed to get a haircut. I didn't touch my hair at all since my previous visit (2 months ago) so it was quite long. I didn't want it very short either, so I told Sir that... but in the end he did it very short anyway!!! It was very rough, him pulling my hair and pushing me in the right position for him. That wasn't all though, when he was done I had to kneel in the bathtub, and he started pissing on me! First on my head, then in my face, and then all over my body.
I was allowed to clean myself up a bit before attending him with his shower. I was pretty deep into subspace by then; I was kneeling face down, hardly noticing what Sir said to me. I'm pretty sure he said something like "next time I'll piss in your mouth because that's what scum like you deserves" - although my mind was in a weird place and I might have made some things up. But that was really a great experience. Before my visit, I looked up some old conversations between us, and one of the things I told him, even before my first visit, is that I think getting a forced haircut and being pissed on are two of the most embarrassing things for me... and now I got both of those in one scene. So that really made an impression on me.

I had plenty of time to get ready for Fetishbound, but I was still unsure of what to wear. I brought along my "usual" gear (camo trousers and boots) and the sports gear I wore to FB once. However I knew Sir had a chest harness and I asked him if I could wear it to FB. I tried it on but it was far too big for me hehe. Still, I liked wearing it a lot, so I decided on my outfit...starting with a leather jockstrap I found in the toy chest hehe. So the chest harness, camo trousers, boots, black polo shirt, and my red Lonsdale jacket. And the neck chain of course.Together with my new haircut, I must have looked a bit like a skinhead! I certainly had the impression people on the tube/street were staring at me more than usual... which I kind of liked hehe. I went to eat at Burger King before heading to FB - fun experience as I was very aware of the chest harness :)

Right, actual Fetishbound talk then. I found TSkinBoot and his lad Smse14 and stayed with them most of the evening. Once I showed them that I was wearing a chest harness I had to lose the polo shirt and jacket hehe.   Tskin put a collar on me, and for some reason I also had to wear leather puppy mitts.
Tskin wanted to tie me up (yay!), first try didn't work out (too tight for me), but then later I ended up being suspended :) Yes, from the ceiling. This was very special... I mean suspensions always are special, but this was with TSkin and I'm not sure I would've allowed anyone else to do it. There is always a risk involved (even though I would have had a fairly soft landing if something went wrong) so the level of trust is very important. Also, it probably helped that I had been suspended before, so I already knew what it felt like, both physically and mentally. Physically, there's always going to be a fair bit of pressure on the chest area because the rope around that part needs to support both the chest and the head (and I have a very heavy head hehe). Mentally, there's always this inner "oh no I'm going to fall!" voice that needs to be shut up before you can enjoy the experience. I was prepared for both so I did enjoy it... it felt very short really! But I am a lucky boy that Tskin wanted to do this with me :)

After that, it was time for the other common activities...licking boots, sucking cock, etc. You know. And watching other people play, although I had the impression there wasn't that much action going on really, and most people seemed to have left around 10PM. Anyway, I also got whipped on my back by TSkin - while (sort of) protecting his lad from being hit hehe. Even though it didn't feel that hard, it left some marks (pics in another update).
It was a fun FB and it's always great to meet up with Tskin and Smse14.

Back "home", Sir put me in the irons again when I went to bed, but this time both my wrists and ankles! As I normally sleep on my side, it was very hard to get some sleep that night...but it was also very horny to be locked up like this... I was very helpless and had no choice but to wait for Sir to wake up the next morning to unlock me. Certainly not something for every night due to lack of sleep, but it was certainly a horny experience.

On Saturday I did some stuff around central London and took a very long nap in the late afternoon hehe. In the evening I got a hard beating :( Getting beaten while on the floor in the irons, wrists and ankles, arse up, always feels harder than getting beaten while standing up or even bending those cases you still have some control, but in the irons you can't shift your weight or anything... and mentally you also feel even more 'trapped' than usual. I definitely needed some hugs after this beating!!

Not much action on Sunday - in the evening I had a headache, I blame 3D cinema and some alcohol hehe. We were both chatting to a guy that was interested in playing with us, but I didn't feel like it and Sir wasn't too keen either.

Monday was my last day, and since Sir was home and my train was only at 5PM, we had some "fun". First I had to wear the tail plug and sniff Sir's underwear while he showers. Then I was taken upstairs, where Sir thought it would be fun to ride me :( On my hands and knees, I had to carry him around the bedroom. It was very degrading and humiliating, it was awful, and very traumatic! :(

Later I was mummified, with electro pads on my cock and balls. Even with the electro pounding away, I was nodding off anyway hehe. Can't help it, seems to be the standard reaction when I'm mummified. Anyway, once the electro went harder, there was a certain point where I came close to cumming... the rhythm of the shocks was perfect. I don't know if Sir noticed this but he stopped and used another setting...and after that I couldn't get close to cumming again :(

And after the electro the real torture started :( Curse my sensitive cockhead!! Sir was rubbing it, whipping it, slapping it,... it was sooo intense for me, I'm sure I made enough noise for the neighbours to call the police (then again, they're probaby used to the screams by now...)
Sir tried to gag me - I was wearing a hood but just closing the zipper wasn't enough, but stuffing his sock in my mouth wasn't enough to shut me up either hehe. Look, I can't help being loud, if you want me to be quiet, stop torturing me hehe. Anyway, this went on for HOURS (or so it felt like), up until I was sure Sir wanted me to cum and not just torture me... told him I can't cum when my cockhead is this sensitive... so he stroked me the good way, and told me a fantasy about keeping me in the irons, hooded (blindfolded) and diapered for 24 hours...well I didn't need much more than that to shoot hehe. But he kept wanking me so it wasn't that enjoyable really...

And after that I got another caning :( Well okay I was given the choice to take it or not... but of course I wanted to be a good boy and take it to make my master proud. It wasn't even that mean of a beating...well not as mean as I know Sir can be!!

Well that was about it. I haven't talked about everything that happened, and I'll talk more about my feelings in another update. And at some point there should be some pictures as well, though not as much as last time.

May 6, 2013

Yes, again

Tomorrow I'm off to London - again. It took me some time again to make the decision, especially since this time I won't get to spend as much time with Sir compared to my last two visits, but I decided to go anyway. I'll be able to go to FetishBound as well - without Sir but I can meet up with TSkin and CPHMaster (if any of them have time for me hehe). I already made some vague plans for the days Sir has to work, so I won't be bored (much). 

On the kink front, we'll try some new things, and I have a big punishment hanging over my head... I'm a little scared for that one :( As it stands now I also won't be allowed to cum at all on this visit :( Poor boy. Hehe. 

I might do some blog updates while I'm there as I'll probably have more time to do them, but I'm not promising anything!

April 15, 2013

Looking back...

Around this time last year, I was walking in a quiet street in the greater London area, and knocked on the door of a house I've never been to. A man, whose face I recognised from pictures on the internet, let me in. He said he was happy I made it, told me that I'll be safe and I can stop any scene when I want to. Then when his boyfriend came out of the shower, he started fucking him right in front of me. Later, he made me strip, and inspected my body, the way a slave would be inspected when he's sold on the slave market. A chain was locked around my neck, I was prohibited to wear any clothes inside (other than a too-large jumpsuit), and got a beaten with a tawse.

And that was my first evening. I had 7 more to go.

What did I get myself into?

Well, looking back at it a year later, I would say something very special. Look, I'm not going to say it was all flawless and perfect and whatnot - it wasn't. My personality doesn't allow that hehe. But for the most part, it was great, even in that first week I learned a lot more about myself and what I like in the BDSM world than I did in my first year of "dating". I already wrote a few things about this, but some doms are enablers who allow the sub to grow at their own pace and from their inner strength, rather than forcing them in a certain direction. I was lucky to find someone like this. Oh of course I got beaten and humiliated, and got my limits stretched, but never so much as to make me feel uncomfortable.

As our friendship grew deeper, so did my submission to him. It became easier to ignore my (self-)doubts and fears (mostly thinking I'll be a disappointment to him), and just surrender to him, physically and mentally. Especially during my last two visits, I found it much easier to let go and submit, and at least from my part, that made our play and dynamic much more fun as well. For example, I love the slave protocols I'm subjected to, last time I was there I really loved drying him off as he came out of the shower and help him get dressed... it's not something that's extremely kinky or whatever, but it's immensely satisfying for me to serve him like that. Something like this wouldn't be fun for me if he wasn't my friend and Master.

My 5 (so far!) visits left me with a lot of memories; some good, some funny, some painful. The good thing (for interested readers) is that I shared quite a few of them on this blog! I won't link to any individual entries, but most of my April entries are about my first stay (scroll down until you see day 1 and then read your way up), and you can check out the London label as well.

I'll leave you with some pics of my behind from 4 different stays, in chronological order so you can see the "evolution":

(right after my caning on the last day of my April 2012 visit)

(a day after coming home from my visit in July 2012)

(after a caning, and right before going to Shrek the musical hahaha - February 2013)

(two beatings in one evening - first from TSkinboot at the club, then a hard caning from Sir when I got back - and yes it hurt! - March 2013)

So as you can see, it got gradually worse/better depending on your point of view!!
Oh, and  a bonus picture, as I know Sir likes this one a lot:

(yes that's his hand imprint!)

April 5, 2013

The reluctant fag

Since the 21st of January, I was under orders from Sir to have a dildo inside me every time I masturbated. This wasn't very easy for me; I'm not that much into anal, but as I wanted to be a good boy to him, I obeyed.  Of course it would be easy to have a "straight" wank and not tell him about it, but that's not how I do things. I was tempted at times, but my submission and loyalty to Sir is more important than a quick wank.
In general I had less wanks than I normally have - about one every three or four days. I was used to having lazy wanks while watching porn or whatever, but now I had to get out the dildo and the lube, and obviously clean everything I used afterwards - such a chore hehe.

Exactly two months later, on a Thursday morning, I told him I had a dildo wank but that I was still feeling horny and very submissive. "You need four more of those today" he replied. He even told me what I should fantasise about when having those wanks. I managed to do 3 more that day, and both my cock and arse felt violated. This was certainly a new record, with the wank from the night before I had 5 wanks in 24 hours - previous record was 3. Not sure if I can be proud of this record hehe. Next wank I had was about a week later - I was that burned out.

I was told I had to keep up my dildo-workout until Easter (this was Sir's idea of Lent for me!), so I was looking forward to having "free" and lazy wanks again. Well I had my celebratory free Easter wank, and another quick and easy wank the day after... but the day after that, I felt like having another dildo wank. I had a very nice fantasy, which involved me being humiliated and begging Sir to fuck me... it was really nice, and cumming was very satisfactory.

I told Sir about this, and he ordered me to write an entry about this. About how I was offered freedom, but not wanting that freedom. About how the best way for a boy to cum is with something up his arse. About how I enjoy anal play more than I'd like to admit. About how this experience has turned me into a faggot bitch :( How HE turned me into a faggot bitch.

This is rather humiliating for me to admit - I still have a straight side fighting all this - but ultimately that doesn't matter much, firstly because I was ordered to write about this, and secondly because it's the truth. Being a good boy (or trying to be!) those two things are very important. Oh, and thirdly, writing this made me hard, so it's not all that bad I suppose! :)

March 29, 2013

Sub drop and aftercare

Sub drop is, in my opinion, a very important topic, yet it seems like a lot of people are either unaware of it, or choose to ignore it. It's important to both sub and dom to realise when it happens and act accordingly, as a bad sub drop experience might lead to the sub withdrawing from the BDSM scene, or at the very least cause a rift between sub and dom.

But what is sub drop exactly? Sub drop is something that might happen after a usually intense BDSM scene. The sub might feel very emotional, confused, cranky, depressed, guilty... even angry at him/herself and the dom. This usually happens about a day after the BDSM experience. This can be explained rationally; during a session, the sub builds up a lot of adrenaline and endorphins, and gets in sort of hormonal high (which contributes to getting into "subspace"). After the session these slowly return to normal, but the difference between the high state and the normal state can feel quite big, which might result in an emotional imbalance.

That's the theory. In practice, the effects of sub drop can vary greatly depending on the person and the situation. I'll talk about some of my experiences later in this entry. But one of the reasons why I'm making this entry is to get this topic out in the open, and get people to write about their own experiences. Like I said, I think this is an important topic, especially for newcomers to the scene who might not realise this can happen. I'm not saying this happens or will happen to everyone, but there's no harm in being aware of it.

It's not an easy topic because it's highly subjective. The sub drop is different for everyone, and everyone will have different aftercare needs. This is why I won't give any advice on that, other than my usual "communicate with your dom!!!"
It also seems a lot of people feel better after some chocolate, a long hot bath/shower, and relaxing with a good book or movie. At the end of this entry I'll link to a few articles I found on this topic that have a lot more on aftercare.

As for my personal experiences, I would say I have experienced two different kinds of sub drop: the short drop and the long drop!! (that sounds a little morbid...)
The short drop was something that happened from time to time in my first year or so of doing BDSM sessions. While I always felt great right after a session, a day or so later I would get feelings of guilt and shame. These usually didn't last that long, although that really depended on the session and what exactly I did there, and who I did it with. There definitely were times when I thought about giving up sessions and BDSM in general... this mental sub drop fed my underlying feelings of not feeling worthy enough to have these experiences, and that I should just stay home.
I have to say that lately the sub drop from short sessions hasn't bothered me nearly as much as they used to. Again, it depends on what happened during the session, and my state of mind before, during and after the session. My last bad drop after a short session was late last summer, but in a way I brought that on myself because I wasn't really in the right mindset that day.

The long drops started with my London visits. I only start getting those sub drop feelings a few days after I return home, and they last longer as well. Coming home from my first visit, which lasted 8 days, I had a sub drop that lasted a couple of weeks. So that wasn't just a physical drop but a heavy mental one as well. There were some other factors at that time that probably contributed to feeling down a bit more than usual, but the main reason was definitely my London visit. I had a great time, really, and that's what made getting back to "reality" so difficult. At times I was struggling so much with it, I wondered if it really had been worth the trouble. And at my worst, I thought I would be better off by cutting my ties with my London friends.

Subsequent homecomings were less bad, probably because I knew what to expect, but it's always been something I had to fight. I'm not saying it has become easier, but now I know why it's happening, and know (more or less) how to make it less heavy. As you know, my latest visit was quite intense, especially emotionally, and I have experienced a much longer and intenser drop than usual. However, it's not nearly as negative as my first drop was.

I've come to realise that the one thing I need after a sub drop is attention. It's as simple as that really. Getting it is less simple of course, with my dom being in London and me being home. Ideally Sir would give me lots of hugs and physical contact, but that's impossible, and something that frustrates me greatly every time I come home. Online aftercare isn't the same, although Sir does his best, he tells me I'm a good boy, and sometimes gives me assignments and orders - all a form of positive attention I really need. It still desperately makes me crave physical contact with him, but it certainly is better than nothing!! Still, the feelings of isolation I sometimes get are pretty bad.
For me, BDSM is full sensory experience, not just sight and touch, but smell, taste and hearing as well. This makes it even more painful being apart from Sir; I can see (pictures of) him and hear him if I want to, but I can't touch, smell or taste him anymore. It makes me incredibly sad when I realise, a few days after I'm home, that I only have a very vague imprint in my mind of his smell and what he feels like, and after a week even that is completely gone. That is something very hard to deal with for me.

Also, I would say I not only feel very clingy to Sir, but also so submissive in a way it almost hurts that I'm not on the floor with his foot in my neck. A strong image like that gets stuck in my head and it's very hard to get it out! I want to please him so so bad, it's almost annoying!! The best thing I can do is distract myself with something completely unrelated but even that doesn't always work.
Another thing that flares up when I'm back home is my feeling of loyalty and devotion to Sir. One image I have related to this is of a dog that gets seperated from his owner, feeling a bit lost and confused without his pack leader... Someone else might take him in, but at least the first few weeks, he'll feel the need to go looking for his owner... and instead of dreaming about chasing cats, he dreams about his owner's voice calling to him... :) "come here boy...good boy...who wants a cuddle?" hehe. Something like that, yeah.

Anyway, something like this is very hard to put into words (at least for me), so I'll give you some links to a few other blog posts and articles: I like this one especially because of that ACE thing at the end of the article. Good advice. A more personal account but with a good description of what might happen during sub drop and how to deal with it. Very long and detailed, with a lot of tips related to aftercare.

I think that's all I have to say about it (for now at least). Feel free to comment, or, even better, if you have a blog, make a blog entry about it! It might be a very un-sexy topic to write about, but I think it's worth sharing  one's thoughts and experiences on this.

March 20, 2013

Pictures from session with CPHMaster

I described most of what happened in my last update (under "Sunday"). Like I said, I had a great time, the bondage was very comfortable, I stayed in it for about 2,5-3 hours, in different positions (standing, kneeling and lying down). And got a very unexpected "happy ending" hehe.
Last picture was taken after the spanking I took in Sir's stead!
Hopefully next time I'm in London we can meet up again. Would be interesting to get tied up with another boy...or with Sir :)

March 15, 2013

London March visit

Arrived in the evening, we had a little play and I got a (too long!) chain around my neck... and fish and chips, yay!!

Sir had a slaveboy over that he shares with his big bro, but before he arrived he tattooed me!! Well, only two temporary tattoos, a "bitch" one above my arse, and a barcode on my back. Even though they were only temporary I thought this was very hot and I had trouble hiding my boner hehe.

When the slaveboy came over he got tattooed as well, and we were both put in chastity. We had some fun in the living room (which included me teasing the slaveboy by licking his cock through the bars of the cb2000) before we went to the bedroom.

(some fat ugly balding guy teasing the slaveboy :( though I love my "casual" position hehe)

The slaveboy was restrained and teased a bit more, until another guy joined us. For the next hour or so it was just a lot of sucking and fucking, which quite honestly bored me. Too vanilla! Heh. But really, it's not my thing, especially since I only just met the slaveboy and I didn't know the other guy at all. For me it's practically impossible to get pleasure from a scene like that.

We had some more kinky play after the guy left, slaveboy left after a while as well, and Sir and I went to the spankz evening (where slaveboy would meet us later). I had a good time, had some nice spankings, but my favourite part is when Sir pushed me against the wall and whispered some fantasies to me (about my skinhead boyfriend hehe!) It was very hot, very private "play" in a public setting. It was also fun watching slaveboy get spanked and exposed as a pervert hehe.

I didn't feel very well when I woke up, so all morning and a good chunk of the afternoon I was just lazying about in the sofa. I felt better after awhile and agreed to be mummified. I love being mummified, and Sir made me very horny by making me lick his feet (I don't know why but for me that's a HUGE turn on). He took a video of it as well, showing what a good footslave I am hahaha. I'll let you know when the video is uploaded :)

(his underwear was a gift from me hehe)

Anyway, after a while my arm started hurting, and I really had to pee (he should've put me in daipers as well hehe). This was just before the slaveboy arrived.
We had some fun with the slaveboy - he was mummified and teased, and I liked putting some deep heat on his balls, he was very sensitive too it,  maybe too sensitive, but as a slaveboy he just has to suffer through it, no? :)

In the evening the three of us went to Fetishbound. Met up with Sir's big bro, and I went looking for TSkin and his friends. I must say I didn't have a good evening as I was constantly torn between spending time with TSkin and staying with Sir. And watching other people play of course. At the end of the evening I was very annoyed with myself for not finding the right balance between this. I did have some play, and I helped Sir's big bro a little bit (fetching drinks etc.) and he tied me up eventually. It made me feel better and I was in the right headspace... but at some point TSkin came along and started paddling me. That surprised me and pulled me out of my headspace, so I told TSkin to stop it and go away (well, not in those words exactly, but with the same effect).
When the evening was over we had to say bye to the slaveboy - I enjoyed his company and hope I'll meet him again. Even if he always makes a fuss about being photographed and people finding out that he's a pervert haha.
I did have some good moments that evening but in the end I felt unsatisfied and guilty and angry at myself for chasing TSkin away. I had a hard time falling asleep that night thinking about all this...

I was going to meet with TSkin and his friend Boundinf at Expectations (kinky shop), had to leave "early", well, not really, but still had no time to do my shower duties for Sir (kneeling on the bathroom floor when he showers, drying him off when he's done, helping him get dressed, etc. - slave duties really!)
Met up with them eventually - couldn't find the shop on my own so TSkin had to be my GPS. It was just supposed to be window shopping but I did see some nice things. I ended up buying two pieces of underwear on discount - a jock strap and leather underwear - paid £15 for the two!! We went to Regulation after that, was tempted to pick up a nice ball gag...maybe next time :)

After that we relaxed in their hotel room a bit. We had something to eat and then TSkin and I went to Collared. So I went to the same club 3 nights in a row for 3 different events! Anyway, I had a lot of fun there, it definitely made up for my "lesser" Fetishbound experience. TSkin gave me a paddling on the cross in the main room, which was nice (and hard!), funny thing about that is that the great DJ played "Smack my bitch up" (this is one of my favourite music videos btw) when that happened...funny because I still had the bitch tattoo visible hehe.
When TSkin was playing with someone else I watched some other people play. I was very impressed with this young skinhead and what must have been his boyfriend - very intense, hard play (well, from my point of view) but they definitely had a deeper connection as well. Watching them really made an impression on me - a positive one for sure.

Back "home", I had to show Sir my bruises and my new underwear... which lead to him giving me a hard caning :( And that made me release some suppressed emotions particularly related to the last two days. It surprised me a bit but it wasn't the first time this happened, so maybe I need something like this from time to time.

 (up: result of TSkin's paddling. down: after the caning!)

We had some horny play afterwards though... he kept teasing me, we watched some porn, and all I could do was hump the bed, or rub my dick through the bars of the cage...I must have looked a bit like a girl playing with her clit... I didn't care how humilitating it looked, I even asked him if I could do it some more. I thought I came close to cumming but all that came up were some drops of precum.
We went to bed really late...

A little bit of play before Sir went to work...I was put in the irons and he used all these on me:
(the little middle one is called "skittles"...inside joke)

I really like the pic because for some reason I'm holding his foot haha. I do like touching my Sir when he's beaten me or had a relatively heavy submissive experience. Then again, I like touching him all the time!

Sir's big bro told him I could come over in the late afternoon... I had some vague plans but since this was supposed to be play holiday anyway, I went to see him... but not after visiting Expectations again to pick up some thumbcuffs hehe.
I was honestly a bit nervous about visiting him...after all he is Sir's big bro and I didn't want to disappoint him nor Sir. But he is a nice guy and I had a lot of fun. I stayed in the same bondage set-up for almost 3 hours I think (if I have permission I'll show some pics in a next update), got a nice spanking (suffering in Sir's stead! hehe), and most evil of all...I got to cum!! He took my dick out of the device and kept playing with it until I shot. Normally I'm pretty hard to get off, especially by someone else's hand, but I suppose I was just too horny and he was too good! I asked him to stop because I didn't have permission, and he very well knew that, but he still went on... evil!!! I came thinking about how Sir would call me a naughty, filthy boy and would surely punish me for this... Later I learned he talked to Sir and I was allowed to be played with hehe.  It was a nice orgasm, but I still felt a little guilty until I was told that. Earlier that day, we played a dice game and it was decided that I could only cum once I was on the Eurostar back home... so it was a bit weird for me to get an orgasm so "early" hehe. My last one was on Monday by the way.

Anyway, had a great time. Back "home", I did the dishes before Sir arrived, we had something to eat and watched a movie (Bridesmaids! Funny!) and went to bed - I was pretty tired for some reason.

Last day... woke up relatively early and snuck into Sir's bed to be close to him. When he was awake I was ordered to masturbated him, and later he allowed me to play with myself...and I came again as he was telling me a nice fantasy. Twice in 24 hours, I was such a naughty boy hehe.
Didn't have time for much else as Sir was already late for work - he still gave me a little caning... after that it was time for me to prepare to go home :(

That weekend there was also talk about having me "officially" collared (for most of my stay I wore the "training collar" Tskin gifted me hehe), that made a big impression on me and made me very, very emotional. He gave me the chain collar I wore during my first stay with him (which is his boyfriend's previous collar - now he's wearing a newer one but the same model) to take home with me. I considered leaving it as it was too much for me. In the end I took it anyway, but still feel like it's too much honour for me, and that I'm not ready to be part of his family. It's something to think about for my next stay... and what happens, happens I guess.

So, it was a very emotional visit, but also with a lot of fun and good memories. Also, despite how "bad" the pictures above look, I think I'm actually less bruised now than I was after my last visit!

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