I haven't been updating a lot this month, partly because there's not much news, partly because I wanted to give my vanilla blog more attention (though I wish it would get more than one reader a week! But I do love writing).
I'll do some general blog talk another time, and I also want to write down and share some thoughts about my "identity", I'll do that next week.
I decided not to go to Darklands - mostly out of self-protection as I knew I would buy gear there even though I'm on a very limited budget. Instead, I bought my train ticket to London and will stay there for a few days. I feel less guilty spending money on that because it's for a good cause - meeting up with friends!
Joept, the evil person I'll be staying with again, has put me on a new regime. Until further notice, I'm only allowed to wank when I have something up my arse, like a plug or a dildo. "So what?", I hear some of you think. Thing is, I'm not a big fan of anal, but on the other hand, I do fantasise about being fucked. But I still have a straight boy attitude towards it sometimes, in a "dildos and anal play? that is so gay lol" kind of way.
Anyway, since I want to be a good boy for him, I obey. The first time, I was locked in chastity, and started with the aneros prostate massager (which I quite like - it's not gay, it's an, uhh, medical tool!) and watched some porn to get in the mood. Then I unlocked myself, and used my dildo. It actually took me quite a while to reach orgasm; the dildo was more a distraction than anything else. When I did cum, there was a bit more "milk" than usual I think, but I didn't really have a very strong orgasm or anything.
The second time (yesterday), I used the dildo right away. It was quite enjoyable for the first ten minutes or so, but after that it again became a distraction, and it took away from my orgasm in a way. I came very quickly though, so maybe I am getting more comfortable with it.
I still can't say I like it much, and I find the experience rather humiliating, especially lubing up the (vaguely) realistic cock-shaped dildo. It feels like masturbating a cock bigger and fatter than mine, knowing it will be up my arse soon :(
Of course in a way I love all this; following orders, being a good boy, and basically being humiliated by my own hand. But there is still a part of me that resists, and to be honest, I don't mind that part at all. Wouldn't it be horribly boring if I liked everything, and nothing would ever humiliate me? There wouldn't be anything left to stimulate me mentally. I'd rather feel this mix of anticipation and anxiety (and a little fear) at first, followed by a sense of relief, gratitude and yes, even a bit of pride, after completing a challenge like this successfully.
Actually, it's not unlike how I feel about all my London visits so far. I leave home with a lof of doubts and the fear of disappointing other people, but I always return home happy and grateful for having these moments with my friends. It's not any different this time; there are two guys who can't wait to turn my behind a nice shade of red, and I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I know that I'll feel good about everything afterwards.
I'll be on a family holiday from Friday to Monday evening, so I guess I'll sneak in a quick dildo-wank later this evening...
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