doubt

I need to write down some thoughts that might not be very positive...

That talk Master R and I had after the session triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions. He's not interested in 'owning' me any more than he is now, our sessions will always be just sessions. From this and other things he said, it's clear I will have to leave him behind at some point on my bdsm-journey. This is already hurting me because - and this will sound very silly and naive - I think I'm a little bit in love with him. I just want to spend more time with him, and not even in a master-slave setting, just as 2 human beings. I hate feeling like this because I know it will never happen. Maybe it's just my loneliness talking, maybe it's just something I need to get out of my system.

Another thing we talked about is how 'hidden' bdsm still has to be in every day life. Like he said, I just can't tell my friends "sorry guys, I won't be going to the pub with you tonight, I'm meeting up with some guy who will spank me, whip me, and do other bdsm stuff with me". Well, my best friend knows I'm into bdsm, but I haven't told him the details.

It's not just that, sometimes I feel there's a huge gap between my normal life and my bdsm life. I'm a quiet, shy, reserved guy, but when it comes to bdsm...well, you're reading this blog right now, and you've seen the pictures of me in humiliating positions. On my 'normal' blog(s), I don't even want to share a face pic or anything.

It's just...they're almost two different worlds, and I wish I could blend them together. I feel like I need to do some sort of 'coming out'.

I had two annoying dreams related to that. In one, my sister saw some pictures of me getting whipped/spanked, and she honestly thought I was being bullied and abused, and that I need to be protected, and that I needed to talk to a psychologist, etc. etc. I know where this dream is coming from though, if I ever "come out" to someone near me, it's going to be my sister. She came out to me as bi, and she probably knew I was bi before I knew it, so she's the obvious person to tell.

Second dream was even more annoying, and the reason why I woke up in a very foul mood heh. I apparently told my mum as well, and she somehow got it into her head that she would make a good dominant/mistress. So she invited two slaves to train. I told her I didn't want to be in the house when she's doing that, and she said something like "why not? I thought you liked it, you can join in if you want to" and made a horrible sexual inuendo which I won't repeat here. I was really disgusted with her behavior and with what she said.

Now, this dream seems pretty funny in a really stupid way right now, but I hate it when my brain gives me these annoying dreams that 'expose' me in some way. These are my nightmares really.

If you read all this, I don't think it's a surprise if I tell you I sometimes have doubts about my involvement in bdsm. It's complicated, and I like simple things. Maybe I'm just making it too complicated for myself, I don't know. But like Master R said, when you're really into bdsm, it becomes an addiction, and you cannot ignore it. You might try to stay away from it (like I did during summer), but you always come back. You have to. It's part of you. I think this is why it sometimes annoys me as well: it's an urge I can't control, and I like being in control (yes, I suppose there's some irony in being both a control freak and a sub).

I think I said all I had to say. I'll make my next entry more positive, I promise :)