I've been meaning to update for about 2 weeks now, but you know how it goes.

I actually did manage to go 14 days without orgasm, an absolute record for me. I was planning to do another 2 days, but I had a little accident heh. Although, that's not exactly true. I didn't really plan to get an orgasm, but I did my 14 days, so I didn't mind either way. It really was a great orgasm though. The last time I went without for over 10 days, the first orgasm was sort of...uncomfortable in a way. I can't really explain it. But this one felt really good.

I also had 2 erotic dreams in that time. I now can't remember the first one - it was definitely something involving nudity, but no sex. The second one was a bit different. In it, I met up with an old school friend (who I haven't seen in years). Someone told me that he's actually into bdsm, and has a leather fetish. Anyway, in the dream, he took me to a secret entrance to an underground market/university thing. There were a lot of stalls where I could sign up for certain courses, or buy fetish gear. I had to register first at the reception. The woman at the desk also gave me a little plastic bag with what seemed to be dog treats. I though it was a bit weird, but hey, it was their place so I was going to play by their rules. I was told to take one treat right away, so I did. Then I was free to check out the rest of the place. I don't remember much from that, I only remember something at the end of the dream: I was watching tv, and they mentioned the market, and in particular those dog treats. Turns out they were really harmful drugs, and a woman talked about how she got stomach cancer because of them.
Yes, weird dream.

Anyway, I have a lot of reading to do, haven't read any other blog updates in quite some time.

short update

Sorry for ignoring the blog for so long, but I had nothing interesting to say anyway.

My last orgasm is now a week ago. And my next one is a week away. Yes, I'm trying to go for my longest period without orgasm ever.
How did this start? Well, sometime last week I thought "wow, I haven't masturbated in 3 days now!" The funny thing is, I have a sort of internal clock telling me this. On the 3rd night without orgasm, I'll ALWAYS have a dream involving sex or nudity or something similar. Always. It's really the only time when I have dreams like that. It's never a wet dream, just some sort of reminder I guess. I wonder if other men experience something similar.

Anyway, I started thinking of locking myself up for the rest of that week. I used the CB2000 this time. Personally I think it's slightly more uncomfortable than a cb6000, but I absolutely love the design, and I still like wearing it. So I did, and I'm still wearing it. Only took it off once to clean it, otherwise it's been on for 4 days straight now.
Starting from tomorrow though, I'll be babysitting my cousin for the rest of the week. He's almost 4 and very active. So I won't have time for anything kinky, and I won't be wearing my cb2000 either. I also won't be touching myself. I'm determined to have my next orgasm next monday, which would make it 2 whole weeks - 15 days to be more precise. I now I can do it.

I've also started using my Aneros again. I didn't take it with me on my vacation in june, and only really used it once or twice. Until a few days ago. I now slept in it for another 2 nights. No problems at all. I even had another very nice experience with it, like in the "old days": I took my time to do some breathing exercises, and felt nice and relaxed. After about 20 minutes, I softly began moving the aneros. And it started to pound my ass right away, without me doing anything. Really nice feeling, but I couldn't keep up with it. But, lesson learnt: the breathing exercises and relaxing beforehand are very important to get the full experience.
I'm now pretty sure I'll be another Aneros model, probably the Helix.

I have more to say, but no time! I'll update again next week.

not an addict

As expected, I am having second thoughts about those pictures I took a few days ago. But not of that one on here. I mean, in the unlikely situation that someone I know in real life finds out about all this, and confronts me with it, I'd feel more ashamed about what I write here (especially my fantasies), rather than just a nude picture of me. If someone came up to me and said "hey, I saw a naked pic of you on the internet", I'd just ask them if they liked it. If they said "hey, I read your blog and now I know you like sticking things up your ass and have some extreme fantasies", I wouldn't really know what to say, and I think I would be genuinely embarrassed and ashamed. Unless, of course, that person actually liked what he or she read heh.

If you'll allow me to rant on for a little - I still don't get society's negative view on nudity in general. A naked body is one of the most natural and beautiful things there is. Why be so obsessed with hiding your natural beauty? People are all "omg perverts" and "won't anyone think of the children??" and all that crap. Why? I don't get it. The only 2 things I can think of is 1) people automatically associate nudity with sex, and 2) western/christian/catholic modesty. I was raised a catholic, and we were basically taught that our own body is our enemy, an instrument of sin, not something that you should like or enjoy. It took me many years to get rid of this catholic indoctrination (yes, it really was -and still is- a socially acceptable form of brainwashing people, especially kids, who have no mental defence against such things), and, as I'm actually writing this - I still 'suffer' from it in some ways. I don't want to make this an anti-relgion rant (too late?), but surely certain religious values shouldn't have such a big influence on society as a whole. If wanting the whole world to be more open about nudity and sex, then by (insert your god), I AM a pervert!!


Actually I did something "perverted" two night ago. I was still wearing my cb6000. Put in my aneros as well. And went to sleep. And I did sleep. I had something up my ass for about 8 hours straight. Didn't hurt one bit. Perinium tab was slightly uncomfortable when I woke up, but it didn't hurt. Whole thing felt good. My penis locked up, my ass plugged. It...felt good, what else can I say? I would've never done this if I wasn't locked up in my cb6000, I would've just jerked off, got the aneros out, and went to bed. I'm happy I did it, but I'm not sure if I would do it again soon. I'm really getting addicted to my aneros, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. An addiction is okay as long as it's not harmful, right? I'm also going on a vacation for two weeks soon. I'm not sure if I want to take it along, but I probably will.

exposed

Following up on my last post, I had a really nice masturbation/aneros session. When I've been locked up in my cb6000 for a few days, my fantasies usually turn a little more extreme. This time, it was a lot more extreme. Still, I liked the "story" I made up around it. It involved me entering a chastity contract for 10 years, and having genital piercings to ensure my chastity. The couple putting me into chastity weren't my master and mistress or anything, they were simply my keyholders. Then later in the story I meet a mistress who "buys" my chastity contract, and trains me to be her slave. Including very extreme things (well, stuff like permanent collar, piercings, tattoos, branding). A lot of things I would never do/allow to be done to me in real life. That's why they call it fantasy, right? But I liked the story, I might write it down in full someday. I think my fantasy began when I saw a picture of a guy with a prince albert, and it was such a beautiful piercing and just the right size of jewelry. I always said I would never get any kind of genital piercing, but now I'm not too sure anymore.


Last night, I was having an extremely good aneros session. I was very horny, again thinking about that story and some other fantasies. But after a while, I just stopped, put on my cb6000 and went to bed. I wanted to orgasm, but then I also knew I'd lose that wonderful horny feeling I had. I was pretty tired as well so I did manage to get to sleep. Next morning I didn't feel that horny, but as the day went on, it definitely got worse. Or better, really.

First thing I did was something I planned to do a long time ago: taking some "sexy" pictures of myself. I was inspired by a whole bunch of pictures I saw on flickr, and decided to do my own take on it. At first it didn't quite work out (and I'm sure one of my neighbours saw me parading around the house in my speedos, holding a camera and taking pictures of myself. Embarrassing. And not in a sexy way). Later I was able to take some good ones though. I'd love to do some more, and preferably outside ones, but my garden is far too visible for that (I live in a residential area with houses and small appartment blocks, the people living above the first floor can definitely see me - not to mention the downstairs neighbour, who can see the garden from his living room!). There are other possibilities (nudist beach nearby), but then I'll need someone to take the pictures for me. Being single sucks, yeah.

Anyway, there was a picture I was particularly proud of. I always take several pictures of one setting, but this time, the first picture was immediately the best one. Behold:



Yes that's me. Hi. Like I said on flickr, I don't consider myself very pretty or sexy or anything, and usually I can't stand seeing pictures that have my face. But this one...I like. Yes, I expect comments like "why aren't you smiling?" and stuff, but I don't really like my smile. Anyway, I think I like it because of the vulnerability and simplicity of the shot. It's a very natural situation. It's not porn or anything extreme. Just a guy, sitting on a toilet. Yeah.
At first I was going to hold my hand up towards the camera in a "no pictures!" kinda way, and I did take a few shots like that, but this felt so much better. You know at first I didn't even notice that you could see my penis! Really, it wasn't even my intention to show it, it just happened. Really!
In some ways it is a failed photo - can't see the top of my head, nor my feet, but that's really more due to the bathroom being so damn small. And yes, the bathroom is ugly. And I could lose some weight around my belly.

I also don't know how much longer I'll keep that picture here - tomorrow I might completely change opinion about all this. Right now I actually feel...liberated having a picture like that out there. I'm a closet nudist for sure, but I change opinion all the time about showing myself to people like this.

Wow, I talked far too much about that. Good thing no-one reads this...right?

all play

Again, it's been a while since my last update. I have added a few people on my reading list in the meantime. It works both encouraging and discouraging. On one hand it gives me stuff to think about, on the other, the things I usually talk about just seem so boring, and I'm just not that good a writer (although, considering english isn't my first langauge, I think it's not all that bad).
Then sometimes I think of never writing anything again, but I realise I sometimes need to let out certain things, and a blog certainly seems to be a quick and easy way for that. Besides, it's not like I'm forcing anyone to read it, right?

I haven't been doing that much kinky stuff in recent weeks. I'm still using my aneros at least once a week, usually more. I still love it, but I'm definitely considering buying another one. I just don't know if I should get a smaller one (the SGX) or a larger one (the Progasm). The easy answer is both, but my bank account wouldn't agree with that.
I'll also need to buy some more lubricant soon; I bought a big bottle last year, and thanks to using the aneros so much, it's almost empty. Might as well buy a new toy to go along with it, right?

In the past few weeks, I masturbated almost every night, just before going to bed. That's nothing new really, it's pretty much a habit (ever since I first started masturbating), and a "nightcap" of sorts. I usually fall asleep within 10 minutes of coming. I don't always do it, and try to stop myself from doing it by reading a book just before going to bed (which also helps me get to sleep faster). I still do it about 4 nights of the week though, at least.

2 days ago, I was feeling horny, started watching porn, read some stuff on altarboy's site, and came very close to orgasming. But what did I do instead? I closed the pc, went to my room, got out the cb6000 and put it on. Anyone see the logic in this? I think it was a way of punishing myself for masturbating so much (well, 4-5 times a week probably isn't that much for a man without partner, but still). Reason aside, I'm staying locked up until sunday evening, maybe even monday evening. And unlike last time, no edging either. No contact with my penis whatsoever (and can you believe it, just as I'm typing this I get an erection. Down boy, down!). I am going to do an aneros session later today, it's much easier to focus on the anal pleasure when my penis isn't in the way.

Oh yeah, there's also this:


Ordered this a month or two ago. The SLRN is the number I have on The Slave Register. Yeah that might look a bit silly to some, but I always had an obsession with dogtags (and barcodes as well, actually), so I quite like it.

Okay, that's it for now.

the void

I realise I haven't been updating much (okay, not at all) in the past few weeks. I've just been too busy lately, with very little me-time, and even if I did I wasn't always in the mood. It's always easier to have a quick wank before going to bed or under the shower then it is to really "spoil" myself, you know?

I haven't been in the cage for more than a day, and I've hardly used the aneros lately, probably 3 times in the past 3 weeks. And even then it wasn't as enjoyable as the first couple of sessions were. Seems like I have to start over again every time I leave more than half a week between sessions. It's almost becoming something like, you know, work, while it should be something fun and relaxing. I mean, I still enjoy it, but I don't like the fact I have less fun with it than I should have.

Anyway. I might do a "bdsm & movies" update next.

bdsm and music

Yes, two of my favourite things!

In the past years I've come across plenty of songs with a bdsm theme (or at least a mention of something bdsm-related), I'm going to try to list them all now.

First of all, the IAMX - Kiss & Swallow album. About most of the songs on it have some bdsm theme. The most obvious one is "Naked but safe". Some of the lyrics: "the least wishes are orders, born, raised and corned, I was kept fed and watered, tie me to the radiator". Another one is Sailor ("In my cell, you ask me if I wanna be a sailor. Freeway, three-way, take me like a sailor" - sounds like roleplay to me, and when he performs this song live he sometimes adds "this is for you bi-curious people out there"). There's plenty of other songs with a bdsm link, like You stick it in me, Kiss and swallow, Your joy is my low and I like pretending. While I wouldn't necessarily call the album bdsm-themed, the lyrics certainly appeal to me as much as the music (electro, sorta Depeche Mode I guess). It's one of my favourite albums of the past 10 years. As my last.fm account can testify, You stick it in me has been one of the songs I listened to the most in the years that I used that service. So addicting. So filthy. So good.

Depeche Mode obviously have a few songs as well. I've heard that Martin Gore is somewhat of a submissive, and some lyrics are definitely bdsm-related. Master and servant being the most obvious one. The recent album has a song called In chains, but just like Master & Servant, it can be interpreted in more than one way. That ambigioty is proof that Gore is a great songwriter.

Peaches, our favourite Canadian ex-teacher-turned-musician, also has a few interesting songs. Obviously one of my favourites is I U She. Not only does it mention whips, crops, canes and shorts of leather, it also has the lovely line "I don't have to make the choice, I like girls and I like boys". Another great song on the Fatherfucker album is Operate (roleplay). The first time I saw her live, some of the girls on stage were tied up, and then later they tied Peaches up. And then there's that line in Kick it, a duet with Iggy Pop. Iggy: "I heard you like kinky shit." Peaches: "That just depends who I'm with!"

Even though none of their songs mention it, Deutsch Amerikanische Freundschaft used to dress in black leather. They definitely have some dirty songs, like Rote Lippen (sounds like someone masturbating while watching an actress on tv) and In Dschungel der Liebe ("the jungle of love is moist and hot"). Love em.

That's all I can think of for now. If you know any more, feel free to let me know!

out of touch

Things have been pretty quiet on the kink front.
I haven't been feeling too well recently, first a stomach bug or something and then a headache that lasted almost 3 days.

Yesterday I got out the good ol' aneros. I didn't have much fun sadly. The aneros felt...harder than I used to. Last week I hardly noticed it when it was inside me, now it was as if it suddenly was twice as big. I've only had it in me for about a half an hour.
Apart from that I was also far too horny. I really wanted to bring myself to an orgasm. I was feeling great and was very close to climaxing, but the aneros just didn't feel right and I took it out. Had a nice orgasm though. I might try the aneros again tonight. I'm more relaxed right now.

I had some new fantasies as well. One of them was a sort of sequel to a story I wrote and published on a dutch site. It was written in first person, with the storyteller (me) training a young unexperienced submissive. The weird thing is that it's the only story I wrote where I am the master, and it's also by far the sweetest story. Probably also the most realistic one. For that reason I guess, it's also the one I'd love to be real. It's sort of confusing to me, because I really consider myself a naturally submissive guy. But the idea of being with a submissive guy, with mutual love between us, is something that appeals to me far more than being a slave, and all those other things I fantasize about. I can't explain, and because it confuses me so, I'd rather not think about it. ...although I still plan on writing more chapters for that story heh. I'll consider it mental masochism.

The weather has been changing rapidly and today was a hot spring day. The season changes always make me more crazy and creative. All the creativity is still in my head though, so it's a bit useless. I did take some pics (the two feet pics), I've been thinking of doing that since last week or so. Like I say in one of the pics, I don't like my feet (or ankles) but I do seem to have a thing for other people's ankles, and I like anklets for sure, especially on guys. Are anklets a girly thing? I guess society thinks so, but I don't. As far as I'm concerned, it's the same with navel piercings; just because it's mainly girls doing it shouldn't mean guys can't do it without being called girly or gay or whatever. It should be considered gender-neutral. Like, um, pants! Or something like that. (oh okay, feel free to call me girly then if you must. I'll pretend I don't hear it.)

I'll do another update soon.

emotion

Something I probably should say before I continue (and probably should've said at the start of this blog): English isn't my native language, so I'm not always able to express myself properly. I'm also an INTP, which means, among other things, that I have great difficulty talking about my emotions. I think it's also an excuse for my boring writing style heh. Yeah I stick to the facts too much, but I don't know any better.

Anyway...

I've been thinking about what a "friend" on xtube asked me. He wanted me to make a video of me masturbating. I've been thinking about doing that for some time now, but I just...can't. And I can't really give a rational explanation for it. If I use the argument that it's too intimate, then someone can easily counter that by saying "but you have pics on the net of you with a dildo in your ass!" It's true, but I'd still say a video is something more than just a picture. After thinking about this some more, I actually took down some "sexy" pics of me on flickr. They were just not very...me, I guess. I mean, no-one can see my face or anything, and it's not like I have an internet-reputation to protect. It just didn't feel right. This and several other of my (in)actions concerning me and my sexuality made me realise I'm probably more of a prude than I would admit. Then again, I still write this blog, which has very, very intimate information about me. Okay, it's pretty much anonymous, but still.

(the above is actually a good example of INTP-ness: arguing with oneself over something that's pretty insignificant, and trying to apply logic to an emotional "problem".)

I'll try not to do updates like this too much, but sometimes I just need to write down my thoughts. That's what a blog is for, right? Although if anyone else is reading this, I'm sorry for wasting your time heh.

Last night, I didn't use any toys, I just jerked off, in a very aggressive, orgasm-centered way. It was nice as well, although these are the orgasms I feel guilty about, in a way. They're the ones that completely take away my sex drive as well.

Today I played around with my other anal toys a bit more. Still can't get my medium-sized butt plug (and a vibrating one of a similar size) in me. My penis dildo I can get in with no trouble at all, like I've been doing it every day. I can take it all the way in, I have a picture of that on my flickr account. Anyway, it wasn't really that fun, so I went back to the aneros. And really, it just feels much better and it's so much more fun. I can't recommend it enough. I'm not even sure if I'll ever use any of my other anal toys again.
I also made a new discovery; it seems like I can't just make my muscles move the aneros inwards, but also upwards. I think this might be the key to better stimulate my prostate. It's really fun exploring my body that way, I always seem to find something new, a new position or a new rhythm. I didn't have this near-orgasm like the previous times, but it was still fun. I had it in longer than I did in previous sessions as well. I got really horny quite fast, but I could still control myself. Well, for an hour at least. Really needed an orgasm. It was quite intense as well. The aneros goes crazy when the contractions of the orgasm start. Not unpleasant but like I said, quite intense.

I'll update again tomorrow.

conclusion

2 nights ago, I had another go with the aneros while being locked up. Third time lucky? Not quite. I didn't even get as far as I did the two previous times. It's my own fault though. I inserted it, and left it alone for about 20 minutes, but didn't do any breathing exercises. I think I also started off too strong. I had to tell myself to relax, but I couldn't for some reason, and I decided to give up.

That was also my last day and night locked up. I took the cb6000 off sunday morning. Spent the day as I normally would, and in the evening I had some fun with the aneros. This time, it went very well. It was still different than the first two times though, there were hardly any automatic contractions, but I could work my muscles much better than before. I was able to basically fuck myself in a steady rhythm, just by contracting my muscles. I was able to do it in different speeds as well. At one point, I got a feeling very similar to that near-orgasm I described earlier. This time it felt like my asshole was on fire (in a good way), and the warmth spread out through my whole body. This feeling lasted just a couple of seconds, but it was very pleasurable. Was this my first anal orgasm? No idea, but it felt really good.
My ideal position for this seems to be sort of half on my side, half on my stomach.

I continued for a while, but eventually I started giving more attention to my penis. I took it very slowly, very relaxed. And I was rewarded with a very, very nice orgasm. A great conclusion of 8 days of chastity and 4 nights of anal adventure!

So, what's next? Firstly, I'm not going to lock myself up for a longer period of time. This has been more of a distraction than anything else, and I get the feeling I need to sort a few things out in my life before I do something like this again.
On the other hand, I'm going to continue my "anal adventures", probably several times a week. Tomorrow I'll have some time to myself, and I'm thinking of getting out my much-ignored butt plugs and dildo.

day 7

Yesterday, before going to bed, I played around some more with my aneros. I was definitely more relaxed now, and everything seemed to go just that little easier...but still no anal orgasm or anything. Again, I got the feeling I came close. Frustrating in a way, but just getting to that stage close to orgasming is reward enough for me. I'm really enjoying this, much more than playing around with a butt plug or dildo. I get the feeling I'm even picking up techniques that will make me enjoy anal play even more.

So, today was day 7 in chastity. A full week! I'm happy I made it. I'm going to do one extra day, and then relax. I don't think I'm going to jerk off right after unlocking myself. I used to do that and it made orgasming more like an obligation, not something that should be fun. I think the last time I locked myself up for more than 3 days (last June, apparently), I did just that. I started masturbating, stopped, took a nap, did some other stuff, and finally started masturbating again, very slowly working myself up to an orgasm. Definitely one of the most enjoyable orgasms I had.

Since 2 days ago I'm also feeling that light pressure right above my penis again. Also something I get when I'm locked up for more than a few days. It's really not unpleasant or anything, it seems more like a physical reminder of my lack of cumming.
And today I also felt deliciously horny again, just like that, with nothing to set it off. I love that feeling. Unfortunately I didn't last, as the day went on I started feeling bad, with a headache and everything. I'm better now though.
So tonight, I'm trying the aneros thing again. And tomorrow, I'm probably going to try it with the cage off.


In a way, I actually hate posting stories like in my previous entry. But I know some of you perverts nice people might enjoy it as well, so yeah. I might post one now and then. And maybe repost those 2 or 3 that are now somewhere on my livejournal. I also have to admit I can really only write these when I'm locked up. Otherwise I just fantasize, masturbate, and that's it. I have around 18 files in a "story" folder, and only about 4 of those have a clear beginning and ending, and are things I can actually share. Another 2 or 3 are near completion, but I never seem to properly finish them. I have a really, really long one, the only thing missing is a decent beginning and ending. I'm also rewriting things in my head. Basically, I have too many ideas for this single story, but I hate throwing away my old stuff. As silly as it sounds, I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to this. I have trouble letting go with every creative thing I do. Yeah, even erotic fiction. Ah well.

day 6

Nothing eventful happened on day 6 in chastity. I get the feeling I can stay locked up forever. I usually get that feeling after 4 or 5 days, but whenever I go longer than 7 days, I start thinking "why the hell do I have a plastic cage around my penis?". Around that time I completely lose my horniness/submissiveness as well, so it's not longer fun. So either way, I'm unlocking myself tomorrow or on sunday.

I haven't said this yet, but I use to have a livejournal account where I used to talk about chastity and stuff. I stopped updating there because a) I had a stupid username, b) I don't like livejournal, c) ...I can't remember, but there was something else. So, here I am! I'm surprised it's taken me more than 8 months to decide to start a new blog, or to do another update. I really need an outlet to my "dirty" side.

Oh yeah, I just finished (more or less) writing a little story, based on a fantasy I had while waking up this morning heh. Yeah, when in the cage, I'm actually at my horniest in the morning. I quite like it that way actually - but only because I don't have to get up for anything right now.

cb6000 trouble!

After that postive experience, something bad was bound to happen.

I was wearing my cb6000 as me and my mum went to dinner. We drove to a restaurant, and in the car I could already feel that the cb wasn't as it should be. Not much I could do about it, and I didn't really thought it was that bad, until we left the restaurant. It was clear that my penis was no longer in the device, and that the ring got lose. Which meant one of the guide pins got off, or got broken. Back home I checked immediately, and yes, I had lost one a guide pin. I thought "oh damn, I'll have to check the next to see if they sell the guide pins seperately, otherwise I'll have to buy a new cb6000!" I did the only thing I could do, and traced back my steps from my home to the garage (which is on another block). And you won't believe this, but I found the guide pin right in front of our garage! I was so happy and relieved.

Of course, I'm still a bit pissed off that this could happen. Although I told myself I really should use superglue to keep the guiding pins in their place, I really think the manufacturer should've already taken care of this before selling the product. It's not the first time this happened to me, and I heard complaints from other people as well.
You know how I've always said the cb6000 is my favourite device, but you know, it's still not perfect in any way.

So day 5 in chastity has been quite eventful. Still haven't heard anything from my xtube friend, but I guess I have been a little hard (oh hum) on him. Why can't I just play along?

Oh yeah, is anyone member of the cb3000 yahoo group? Great source of info on chastity devices. In the files section, there are hypnosis files, which are meant for people who want to be locked up permanently. There's one specifically for the cb6000, I downloaded that one and I've been watching/listening to it a couple of times a day since yesterday. I don't expect it to have any long-term effect, but then I don't repeat that "I will stay locked up, always" mantra. Watching it a couple of times and doing that mantra will probably have a more lasting effect. I believe hypnosis like this can work, but only if you're 100% commited to it. Which I'm not :) Maybe when I get my "normal" life back to uh, normal. I do want to be locked up as much as I can but I don't really want it to be an obsession, you know?

aneros

I bought myself an aneros last year. As they say on their site, it's a "male g-spot simulator". I bought it because the prospect of having orgasms without even touching my penis seemed like fun.

I experimented a few times, and while it felt pleasurable, I never really got a super-orgasm or anything like it. Yeah, some of them where slightly more intense, but still. The thing is, I just couldn't use it without also masturbating. I did get these semi-automatic anal contractions, but not that intense, and nothing more than that.

Today I decided to try it again - while following the instructions on the site by the letter. Well, more or less. Did the breathing exercises, contracting muscles thing, everything they said in the first 3 steps. I changed position from time to time, to see which one was the best. At first it seemed to be on my back, with my legs in a 90° position, one leg on the side and the other up. Later I tried lying on my stomach, legs slightly apart. It seemed much easier to control the contractions lying like this. It didn't take long until this chain reaction they describe in step 2 takes place. It just went on and on, harder and harder, I felt like the aneros was going deeper and deeper inside. I wasn't doing anything anymore, my body was basically fucking itself. It felt like that moment just before cumming, only deeper. I thought "oh fuck, this is really happening, I'm having an anal orgasm!" And then...

...nothing. Spasms slowed down, and I couldn't start them up again myself. I took a short break, and started again. I got close, but still couldn't reach that full automatic state. Took another break and tried for a third time, but it was obvious my muscles where getting tired.

This has certainly been a breakthrough for me, in more than one way. First of all, it's as far as I ever got with the aneros. I think I have my cb6000 to thank, other times I just started masturbating straight away. Secondly, I could've never thought I'd ever get this feeling in my ass. It was "only" a near-orgasm, but it's the first time I felt something like this without touching my penis. Also, it's nice to see the aneros actually works with me. There's plenty of toys I have that don't exactly work on me (my balls are too small for the ballstretcher I have - sigh), so I'm happy I'm actually "normal" for a change.

So I'm definitely going to train some more, maybe tonight, definitely tomorrow. Even if I don't have an orgasm, it's worth trying again just for that near-orgasm feeling. I think my mistake now was that I was too excited about orgasming, next time I should just relax and let it come over me. I've said this to myself before, but I should really try to use the aneros every week or so to further train my muscles. I've said the same about my butt plugs/dildos (I have four but can only use the smallest 2), but this is something I'm definitely going to do.

So yeah, if you're willing to invest some time into it, I can't recommend the aneros enough. I used the standard model (MGX) by the way.

extra time & fakers

Today I decided to prolong my chastity period with at least another 2 days. I'm only going allow myself to orgasm on saturday at the earliest. This would mean I spent an entire week without orgasm. I know I can do it. I'll be very proud of myself if I can achieve that. I think I should reward myself by buying another sex toy, but I wouldn't know what. Ball splitter maybe, or a ball stretcher. I'd love to get one of those metal ones, but my balls are tiny and I'm afraid the stretcher will be completely useless to me. And they're quite expensive.

I'm getting some help being locked up by someone on xtube. He saw on my profile that I'm interested in chastity, and he sent me a message. His boyfriend (apparently) keeps him locked up. I say "apparently" because you know, this is internet, it's full of fakers, I've been burned before. It's funny that he says he has a boyfriend, but then his profile says he's single. Could be nothing of course, I might be a little too paranoid. But still. I'm very serious about my chastity, it's not some fantasy, it's very real. I'm very honest about it and I expect other people to be honest about it too. I mean, if they want to delude themselves and say things like "I've been locked up for a whole year!" even if they're not, well, that's a bit lame but kind of understandable I guess, people lie to themselves all the time about a great many things. But I think it's pretty disgusting when they involve other people in their fantasy and flat out lie to them. I sent him a mail saying all that. I don't expect a mail back hahaha. Oh, I have so little faith in humanity nowadays. Or maybe it's just the people on the internet, hmm.

control & submission

Last night, I got incredibly horny, and at the same time incredibly submissive as well. I haven't felt that way in ages. I guess, not surprisingly, that the last time I felt this I was also locked up for more than 3 days.

That feeling is awesome, but also scary. If I had a master or mistress, I would really throw myself at their feet and beg them to use me in any way they want. I'd easily allow the more extreme stuff I talked about in my previous entry. This loss of control scares me, because I always want to be in control of what I want and what I do. It's why I never drink too much or anything like that. I guess I am a control freak. A very submissive control freak, heh. So losing control to...I don't really know what to call it, a very deep desire to serve? - is something that scares me. But not really in a negative way, because it somehow feels natural. Ugh, it's really hard to explain how I feel about this.

The feeling has worn off though, but it's still there in small doses.

I don't know where I read it, but I saw a interesting discussion or blog post about whether being a submissive is something you learn to be, or if it's in your blood. I can only speak for myself and say that it really is in my blood. There are a lot of moments in my childhood where I did things that could be considered submissive (one example: I usually played the bad guy because he gets to be "locked up" - and being locked up sometimes gave me a funny feeling in my stomach). My first sexual fantasies were always with me being the slave or submissive. That was 15 years ago, we didn't have internet or anything, so I didn't know what to call it. I just fantasied about being in chains or handcuffs, and someone spanking or whipping me. I also saw L'histoire d'O when I was 14 or something, so that movie left a deep impression on me (can't really remember that much from it now though! Haven't seen it since then). Maybe I'll do a blog entry with the full history someday.

Right, that's enough for now.

fantastic plastic

Still locked up. 48 hours, but it feels so much longer. Still, I'm determined to wear it until at least thursday, and maybe longer.

I do unlock myself to take a shower and clean the cb6000 though. It gets dirty/smelly after a day, and I really want it to be as clean as possible. I know most people use Q-tips for cleaning, but it just doesn't seem enough for me.

Also, last night I "cheated" and unlocked myself for some edging. Is it cheating though? I don't cum, I just masturbate for a few minutes, until I feel I'm about to cum, then I stop and lock myself back up. Although a big drop of pre-cum did come out...

And the night before that, I briefly switched to my cb3000 (it's a "fake" I bought on ebay, but it still works). I got the points of intrigue for it, and used the smallest one. It fit quite well, but at some point, the whole device slipped off! It's not the first time this happens, I just can't seem to find a good balance between a comfortable fit and a secure fit. It's why I prefer the cb6000, which fits me perfectly.

In general, the longer I stay locked up, the more extreme my fantasies become. I fantasize about being permantly collared, permantly chastized, and tattooed and branded as a slave. It really turns me on (just writing this makes my dick throb in its cage), but thinking about it rationally, it's something I'd never do or allow in real life. Unless I really find a person who I'll be with for the rest of my life, and who can really bring out my inner slave, then I'd probably allow it. It's certainly one of my deepest desires to be a 24/7 slave, but that desire certainly clashes with other parts of my personality. Oh well, it's just a fantasy that's unlike to ever come true, nothing to worry about.

A month or so ago, I made an account on xtube (rauberinchains). Didn't put much on it myself, just some old pics. There are already enough wanking vids on it, I'm sure they don't need me for that. But there are some good bondage and chastity-related videos on it, and plenty of other guys who are locked up. I spend a lot of time on it recently...I know I shouldn't, but it's so tempting. I'm sure I'll get tired of watching porn at some point...right?

hi, I believe I'm bi

My "bisexuality" (don't really like the name) is, for me, difficult to explain. Sure, I could simplify it in the way I told my mum: "some like boys, some like girls, I like boys and I like girls".

While that's obviously true, it certainly runs more deeper than that. Some "enlightened" people apparently can see beyond gender. I can't. A boy will always be a boy to me, and a girl will always be a girl (unless, of course, they're transgendered, but let's try to keep it simple now). I appreciate the male body, and I appreciate the female body. I think I love them both equally, but that doesn't mean I love them in the same way. I may be stating the obvious here for most people, but that fact is an important part of my sexual identity.

I think there are also 2 sorts of attraction one can have to a person: a pure sexual attraction, and a deeper attraction, the thing people call love. Again, these are 2 very different things for me - but still related of course. Like, I refuse to have sex with a person I don't feel any love for. Even if that sexual attraction is there, I know I wouldn't enjoy it. Some people might call this being childishly romantic, but again, it's an important part of my sexual identity.

For me there's also a clear difference between having a crush on someone and really falling in love with someone. I've had many "crushes", but I have to admit I only ever truly loved 2 people. And if you want to know the gender: I suppose I have more crushes on males, but those 2 were both girls.

Which brings me to the present and the future. I'm single now. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. I tried dating sites. Didn't like it. I don't go out much. If at all. And if I do, it's simply to gigs and music festivals, not "clubbing" or whatever. That's not my thing. So I guess I'm doomed to be alone, or at least until someone randomly crosses my (love) path. Do I prefer a girl or a guy? I don't mind either way. Although, since I've already been with a girl, I'd like to have an intimate relationship with a guy now. But it's not like I have much choice.

You know, sometimes I tell people I'm bi-asexual. But I have to say that in the past year or so, I can drop the "a". I really do feel the need to be close to someone. Sex, to me, isn't that important (which I why I don't like the word "bisexual" - something like bi-amourous or bi-romantic would suit me better). But I still need a partner in my life. I guess it's simply my biological clock - which is always running late really. If I had these feelings 10 years ago, it might've saved me a lot of loneliness. I really only started developing a sexual identity when I was 22 or something. And it's still evolving in a way.

This entry...didn't make much sense did it? I just wanted to get some random thoughts out of my head I guess.

being horny and "enforced" chastity

Lately, I started wearing my cb6000 again for longer periods. Since I'm single, there's no-one controlling me, and I can wear it as much (or as little) as I like. I have to admit, most of the time I use it as a way to prolong my horniness. It usually goes like this:

1) I feel somewhat horny

2) I put on the cb6000 (and sometimes other bdsm-related toys)

3) I watch/read all the porn I want

4) after a couple of hours, I unlock myself, start masturbating, and get an orgasm in less than a minute

5) cb6000 and everything else goes back into the box, until I feel horny again.

This suits me fine of course, but sometimes I want to wear it longer. It's hard to explain why. Obviously, I love being in it. But why? Because it makes me feel more submissive? Because it just feels good? Because it means I can feel horny for days? Or, something I thought of today: because it's a challenge. I masturbate (what a surprise eh?) about five times a week I guess. That might not be a whole lot, but to me, it's still an addiction. I really can't go more than 3 days without thinking "hmm, I haven't masturbated for a while. I should do it tonight!". And if I don't, I start feeling bad. Not in a depressed way, but...I guess masturbating is my biggest stress-release. I really NEED it. This need is why I consider it an addiction. I know most people will disagree with me on that, and say that sexual relief is as normal as eating and drinking, but, to me, it's different.

Anyway, my need to orgasm is also what makes it a challenge to wear a chastity device for more than a couple of days. My absolute record has been 11 days, which is something I'm still proud of. I didn't do it alone I guess, a friend acted as my keyholder (long story), but I still stayed in the device longer than she suggested. It was weird being "free" again, and the first orgasm after that wasn't even very enjoyable to me. Sounds weird right? I was like both my penis and my mind had forgotten that an orgasm is supposed to be enjoyable. It was a very strange experience.

That was two years ago. Since then I haven't been locked up longer than 5 days, usually just one or two. This week, I wore it from thursday afternoon until saturday afternoon (48 hours). While I was masturbating, I told myself "and now I'm going to wear this until tuesday evening". Of course, I tell myself a lot of things just before masturbating, but this time, I fully plan on doing it. It's "only" 3 days and 3 nights, but the longest consecutive period I'll be in it since 2008. Depending on how I feel about it, I might prolong it until thursday afternoon, to make a full 5 days. Now THAT would be a challenge.

Introduction

Hi everyone.

This blog will be my little corner on the internet with all my dirty little secrets. And with that I mean: the stuff I can't really talk about with my friends or anyone else. Most entries will be about my kinks and other sexual themes. So I suppose this will be an 18+ blog.

Might update this post later, now I'm going to see what I can do with this blog.