That feeling is awesome, but also scary. If I had a master or mistress, I would really throw myself at their feet and beg them to use me in any way they want. I'd easily allow the more extreme stuff I talked about in my previous entry. This loss of control scares me, because I always want to be in control of what I want and what I do. It's why I never drink too much or anything like that. I guess I am a control freak. A very submissive control freak, heh. So losing control to...I don't really know what to call it, a very deep desire to serve? - is something that scares me. But not really in a negative way, because it somehow feels natural. Ugh, it's really hard to explain how I feel about this.
The feeling has worn off though, but it's still there in small doses.
I don't know where I read it, but I saw a interesting discussion or blog post about whether being a submissive is something you learn to be, or if it's in your blood. I can only speak for myself and say that it really is in my blood. There are a lot of moments in my childhood where I did things that could be considered submissive (one example: I usually played the bad guy because he gets to be "locked up" - and being locked up sometimes gave me a funny feeling in my stomach). My first sexual fantasies were always with me being the slave or submissive. That was 15 years ago, we didn't have internet or anything, so I didn't know what to call it. I just fantasied about being in chains or handcuffs, and someone spanking or whipping me. I also saw L'histoire d'O when I was 14 or something, so that movie left a deep impression on me (can't really remember that much from it now though! Haven't seen it since then). Maybe I'll do a blog entry with the full history someday.
Right, that's enough for now.
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