monthly blog talk and whining session!

Blog talk: ever since May, I've had less and less viewers...I guess I don't do enough picture updates :P But I get comments on almost every entry which is much more important to me than the number of hits I get.

Right, now I have a couple of things I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes get these "you're so lucky!" comments concerning my adventures. They make me feel a bit uncomfortable to be honest. I partly agree - I am lucky that I can have these great moments with great people. Very lucky. Of course in some ways you make your own luck - it's not like all these moments just fell into my lap and I only had to unwrap my present so to speak. Everything involved preparation, talking (a lot) to people, and a not-so-nice dose of nervousness, doubt and fear on my part.

Now, the reason why I only partly agree with the "you're so lucky" comments: these were just moments. Hours, sometimes days. But then it's over. Then I go home. Alone. And I stay alone, until I go out again. A couple of months ago, I was in a very lonely mood and expressed my feelings in a simple french phrase: "seul et solitaire, comme toujours" (which would translate to something like "alone and lonely, as always"). Usually I can handle the loneliness, but I have my bad moments.
So who do I think are the truly lucky people here? The people who have met their soulmate and are in a happy relationship. For me, that's the true meaning of happiness. Just having someone who is there, who you love, and who loves you back. That's being lucky.

Another thing that makes me a bit "unlucky" if I can use that word, is that the people I care about the most live so far away from me. In theory, J (and London in general) is only about 4 or 5 hours away from me. But the trip always costs me quite a bit of money, otherwise I'd probably try to go at least once a month (until they get bored of me heh). It's not just J I want to see but also people that live even further away; I definitely want to spend some more time with TSkinBoot, both as a boi to him and as a friend, and I really want to meet up with Kaz at some point.


Something else. A while ago my little brother (Teen Caged) asked me about J, how I feel about him, how I feel about him having a boyfriend, etc. I don't think I gave him a good answer to any of his questions, also because I wasn't quite sure about my feelings.
Now that I met up with J again, some things have definitely become more clearer. I have to admit I did really have a crush on J, and looking back at it it's pretty easy to analyse. It definitely reached its peak the last 2 days I was him (in April). The visit to Master I was probably the highlight, and the day after was the lowest point heh. I was so incredibly disappointed in myself that I didn't let him fuck me, and I felt like a complete failure when I went back home. I felt really bad about it for days because I felt like I let him down. Part of me even wanted to break contact with him.
But all that just made me realise how deeply I cared about him - if I didn't I wouldn't have such strong feelings towards him. Anyway, after a while things went back to normal and now, especially after the second visit, I consider him to be a very very good friend. I don't have to pretend around him, he just accepts me for who I am ...a very quiet boy and a sub that has a lot to learn! (And as for the fucking - I think it was a good decision not to do it, it felt too rushed and I don't think I would've enjoyed it at that moment anyway. I definitely wasn't relaxed enough.)

And about his boyfriend: at first it was a bit awkward for me to be in a household like that, and for some time I wasn't really sure if he liked me being there. Which is something I definitely understand, J was obviously giving me quite a lot of attention, maybe attention that his boyfriend would've probably got instead. But I got the feeling he warmed up to me towards the end of my first stay. When I visited in July, I felt very welcome. I think I actually spent more time with him than with J! And I may or may not have a little crush on him hehe. He is a very hot boy, and has a very caring personality as well.... See, the first time I was jealous of him because J was his boyfriend, but this time I was jealous of J for having a boyfriend like that lol. But really, they are such a nice couple, it's so cute to see them cuddled up together watching tv. I mean, I'm pretty cynical when it comes to things like love (it's nothing more than a chemical reaction in your brain!), and I have all but given up on finding my 'soulmate' (another concept I only half believe in), but when I see them together... yeah, maybe there is hope.

I thought long and hard about this entry - I actually started writing it on the 27th of July - because it's very personal and I wasn't sure if I should just put all these thoughts out in the open. But I'm going to publish it anyway. Some of these thoughts have been circling around in my head for weeks now, I really needed to let them out.

Anyway, as for the next few updates: I've been thinking of doing another entry about the music I like, and some people have kindly asked me to continue my 'Skin' story...I guess I have work to do :)