More down time

It's not really been a good couple of weeks - or couple of months even - for me, for a few reasons that (mostly) have nothing to do with kink, but obviously have an influence on my kink life. I definitely have some self-confidence issues I need to work on, it's probably the worst offender mentally. In kink terms, the more I play, the more confident I get about myself. When I haven't played for a few weeks, I don't feel confident enough anymore to meet other people. Of course, the best thing I can do when I feel like that is exactly to meet people and play - but that's easier said than done when I feel so low about myself.

I had it pretty bad this weekend to be honest - even started thinking my kink friends just pretend to like me and don't really care about me at all, and that I'm a failure as a sub anyway, etc. I'm a guy who bottles everything up so I haven't mentioned this to most of them... thinking "why should I bother them with what I feel, it's not their fault, they have nothing to do with it, it's just something I have to deal with alone."

Yes, I know, I'm a 'bad boy' for thinking all that. In fact, I was reminded of the little underwear incident I had with Sir J the first time I went to him. To recap: he ordered me not to bring along any underwear. When I was packing my bags before leaving for London, I thought "So I will be in London for a week, but I'm sure he's going to get bored of me after 3 days and kick me out of his house, so I should bring along 4 pieces of underwear so I have some clean underwear for when I stay in a hotel for the rest of the week."
Now, that made a lot of sense in my head, and to be honest I still don't think it's that crazy or anything hehe, but when Sir J confronted me with this, I felt very silly, and worse, I felt like I hurt his feelings by thinking he would kick me out and therefor not be a good host.
As you know I did get punished for my bad thoughs and for disobeying an order, I even got off lightly I guess. But it was a punishment I needed to clear my mind from bad thoughts.


Anyway, it's getting better...
I talked to my 'little bro' yesterday, because I really felt like I haven't given him enough attention lately (even though he's busy with exams so I shouldn't bother him that much). In fact, I felt like I completely failed as his 'big bro'. I told him that, and he told me not to worry and was very understanding. So that already one thing I don't have to feel bad about. I really do care for him a great deal, so I'm happy I still have his love and friendship.

Today Master P contacted me, we chatted a bit and he's still interested in training me. We're going to try and meet up some time soon, possibly even this week. So that's something to look forward to.

So after rain comes sunshine, or some cliché like that :)