January 24, 2013

back entry

I haven't been updating a lot this month, partly because there's not much news, partly because I wanted to give my vanilla blog more attention (though I wish it would get more than one reader a week! But I do love writing).
I'll do some general blog talk another time, and I also want to write down and share some thoughts about my "identity", I'll do that next week.

I decided not to go to Darklands - mostly out of self-protection as I knew I would buy gear there even though I'm on a very limited budget. Instead, I bought my train ticket to London and will stay there for a few days. I feel less guilty spending money on that because it's for a good cause - meeting up with friends!

Joept, the evil person I'll be staying with again, has put me on a new regime. Until further notice, I'm only allowed to wank when I have something up my arse, like a plug or a dildo. "So what?", I hear some of you think. Thing is, I'm not a big fan of anal, but on the other hand, I do fantasise about being fucked. But I still have a straight boy attitude towards it sometimes, in a "dildos and anal play? that is so gay lol" kind of way.
Anyway, since I want to be a good boy for him, I obey. The first time, I was locked in chastity, and started with the aneros prostate massager (which I quite like - it's not gay, it's an, uhh, medical tool!) and watched some porn to get in the mood. Then I unlocked myself, and used my dildo. It actually took me quite a while to reach orgasm; the dildo was more a distraction than anything else. When I did cum, there was a bit more "milk" than usual I think, but I didn't really have a very strong orgasm or anything.

The second time (yesterday), I used the dildo right away. It was quite enjoyable for the first ten minutes or so, but after that it again became a distraction, and it took away from my orgasm in a way. I came very quickly though, so maybe I am getting more comfortable with it.

I still can't say I like it much, and I find the experience rather humiliating, especially lubing up the (vaguely) realistic cock-shaped dildo. It feels like masturbating a cock bigger and fatter than mine, knowing it will be up my arse soon :(

Of course in a way I love all this; following orders, being a good boy, and basically being humiliated by my own hand. But there is still a part of me that resists, and to be honest, I don't mind that part at all. Wouldn't it be horribly boring if I liked everything, and nothing would ever humiliate me? There wouldn't be anything left to stimulate me mentally. I'd rather feel this mix of anticipation and anxiety (and a little fear) at first, followed by a sense of relief, gratitude and yes, even a bit of pride, after completing a challenge like this successfully.

Actually, it's not unlike how I feel about all my London visits so far. I leave home with a lof of doubts and the fear of disappointing other people, but I always return home happy and grateful for having these moments with my friends. It's not any different this time; there are two guys who can't wait to turn my behind a nice shade of red, and I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I know that I'll feel good about everything afterwards.

I'll be on a family holiday from Friday to Monday evening, so I guess I'll sneak in a quick dildo-wank later this evening...

14 comments:

  1. That's exactly the point ... tell a masochist you AREN't gonna give him pain and he is in more agony than if you did.

    As I tell folks ... you have to get out and experience what you fantasize about ... just once, at least. You may find yourself having a great time despite your fears and doubts.

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    1. Yeah that's very true, not getting any punishment is worse than getting some, at least mentally.

      I'd say you need to experience everything at least twice! And a lot depends on the person you do it with (at least for me), so it might be a good idea to try the same thing with different people. As for me I'm definitely thinking of asking my friend to fuck me...I'll see how I feel about it when I'm there; and if it happens I'll definitely write about it here!

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  2. Dude, you probably have alot more readers than you think. I've been following your blog since 2010 and have read pretty much every post you've ever written. It's been nice hearing your story and I appreciate how much you share with us. You're an inspiration to others as well as me. Keep writing. Your public will keep reading. You're pretty hard on yourself, but it's good to see you have friends to reach out to to help out. Just wanted to let you know, there are "eyes" and we appreciate you! Thanks man. You're not much older than me, and I think you're pretty rad! Keep up the good work!

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    1. Thanks for following my blog, and since 2010? Wow! I really appreciate the nice comment. This blog does get a fair number of hits (unlike my other blog, in which I just talk about videogames and movies and stuff), but unless they make a comment I don't know if they come here looking for porn or if they actually do read and like my entries. So it's really nice getting a comment like yours. Thanks again for keeping me motivated!

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  3. What's the link to your other blog?

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    1. I tend to keep my kink life and vanilla life seperated (at least online), so I don't want to post the link here. However, I can recommend you the blog of a very good friend, right here.

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  4. Great blog. Have one of my own and would enjoy your u input :)

    http://journeyintosubmissiveness.blogspot.com/

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    1. I'm following you and Master Brant's blog now, and put them both on my blog list :)

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  5. I'm the same regarding Anal. It's something I'm interested in, but so far it hasn't done much for me - but I do love my Billy Prostate Massager! I'm actually going to purchase a fuck machine when I move, as I want to get used to getting fucked - by a machine at least! :o)

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    1. Ooh, let me know how you like that experience...heard from some people that those things are very addicting ;)

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  6. As a good boy you will take what ever you will be given...lol
    It will be a good weekend he he he

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  7. I'm gay and I'm not keen on anal either 

    The task of having to have something up your arse when you wank is a good one though. I can understand the enjoyment of the humiliation aspect and the sense of being controlled by complying.

    You are a good boy! 

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