First of all, thanks for the nice reactions to my 'Skin' series. I didn't mention it in my last entry (and I had to tell my little brother again): it's fiction, it's not real and it hasn't happened to me. Well, a lot of things I describe have happened to me, but with different doms. So the order in which things happen isn't real, Thomas the skin isn't real, but most things that happen in part 2 have happened to me at some point. If that makes any sense. So, it's a fictional story based on true events, or something :)
Something more serious then. I've been having quite a few bad days recently. On a bad day, I question everything and everyone, especially myself. I have trouble accepting myself, and when people are nice to me, I feel like I'm going to let them down, or that I'm not good enough for them. I feel lonely, but at the same time very needy and starving for attention, so I keep annoying people by talking to them but not really saying anything special. It's like an evil smorgasbord of self-doubt, self-pity and attention seeking.
An example: a couple of days ago, I randomly remembered something that happened when I was with Sir J (something kinky, but I already forgot exactly what). I thought "was that really me? That's something I'd normally never do, why did I allow that to happen? And will that happen again next time?" I got scared, genuinely scared of my own kinky feelings. Which is silly of course, my kinky side is a part of me and will never go away - and I don't want it to go away! - but somehow I still have trouble accepting that sometimes. (Just to be clear, I really have no regrets or bad feelings about anything that happened when I was with Sir J, but since I did so many new things there, thinking back on it can sometimes overwhelm me a bit.)
Related to that: a couple of weeks ago I was joking with Sir J that my stay in London was one big trauma really. His reply (witty as always!) was that he knows a good psychatrist in London...his name is Mister Tawse. What we both said holds an element of truth I think. At the very least I suffered physical trauma - did you see those bruises on my ass?! But what he said also makes sense: being punished frequently helps me accept myself more, and it keeps me in a good mindset. I guess that's part of the reason I've been feeling a bit unhappy overall: I haven't had a session in a month, and due to circumstances I'll only get to do some kinky stuff once I'm in London (which is still 4 weeks away!) Poor me!!! Heh. TSkinBoot already promised me I would get punished for having negative thoughts, so that's at least something I can look forward to haha. I've been annoying him with my insecurities, so it's only right that he'll punish me. I know it'll make me feel better.
Today, I'm actually having a good day, and I'm really looking forward to London, meeting up with people, going out, etc. And I'm also feeling very fortunate that I have some really good kinky friends, who seem to have an easier time accepting me the way I am than I do myself! And I'm happy I made this blog, I really need to write down my thoughts sometimes, whether they are positive or negative.
And now that I've mentioned TSkinBoot - have you seen his latest entry/video? Jockboi is so cute, and he's really suffering in this hehe.
That's all for now!
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11 hours ago
Rauber, having serious thoughts about oneself is just healthy. It is called self-reflection. It is to sort things for oneself, and thereby totally normal. Doubts will lead to conclusions and after such true development. I rather would be concerned if such never would take place, especially concerning the kinkier side of you.
ReplyDeleteSo for me, it is not the issue about accepting yourself in general, but accepting such thoughts. Believe me, such thoughts are vital and very helpful, so do not be that concerned about them.
Regards, Roland
What you say makes a lot of sense Roland, but accepting these thoughts and trying not to be concerned by them is still easier said that done in my case!
DeleteRauber, I think everyone, including me, will agree that such is very easy to be said, but harder to be done. You for sure are not alone with that. And there is also the possibility to over-reflect oneself, thereby blocking any further development, which of course is not healthy at all.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment, I cannot really decide what your main fear is. There is some hint in your posting that you fear what you became by saying: is that really me. The answer to this comment of yours is: yes, it is. Even if you at that moment did not like it, though you for sure enjoyed this experience obviously, but after it had some doubts if everything was just right. The answer from my perspective is: yes, for you it most obviously was, otherwise you would not have done it due to disgust or dislike. So it might be an issue of just accept enjoyment on your side, at least in part. But I for sure can be very wrong about that.
The other thing is about the conclusions you draw from your thoughts. If you come to the conclusion that you want to develop otherwise, but still try to act according to a role that you think is expected of you, then things will get difficult for you sooner or later. Try to avoid thinking about expectations from another party, just act by yourself. Also this is easier said than done, but it is the only way forward in my opinion. Others might help you, or they might manipulate you - but at the end, you will find out for yourself, without any doubt.
Although equipped with much more real-life experience than me, you still seem to be a seeker, like I am. Bad news is: there will never be the ever-lasting and ultimative answer who one really is, so self-reflection will be lasting. Life is about change and development. You like me are just in the position to choose about the further path for this development, according to the circumstances and one's own liking or mood. Good news is: by every decision and experience, we all will gain more insight, also who we are and what we really want to become, without others telling us or even lead by their judgement. And it is very good that you seem to be very conscious about that. That from my perspective indicates that you are more likely to take the right decisions on time.
Best wishes to you, Roland
Thanks for the reply Roland, I really appreciate it :)
DeleteYou are right about a lot of things. Firstly, I do have the tendency to over-reflect and over-analyse when it comes to myself, and that mostly leads to negative thoughts and, instead of taking action, I do nothing out of fear that something will go wrong. It's something that affects every part of my life and it's difficult to keep that downward spiral under control.
I already wrote about my fears and doubts in previous entries, and you are right that one of thoughts that keeps coming back is "am I really enjoying this?" but also "isn't it wrong to enjoy this?" My education/upbringing definitely has some part (or even the main part) in that. I do feel 'guilty' at times, and even though I rationally know I shouldn't feel guilty, that feeling still is there from time to time. But once I am enjoying my kinky time with others, that feeling goes away very quickly and I usually really enjoy myself, I would even say that exploring my kinky side with others is probably the most fun thing I have done in my adult life. Yet doubt and guilt sometimes still pop up.
The other thing you brought up is true as well: in the past I have definitely allowed people to use me in a way I wasn't 100% comfortable with, but I went through with everything they did in order not to disappoint them. It is something I have to be careful with. But I think I've already grown in that regard. Not that I'm perfect but I get the sense I'm more aware of it than when I first started out. It still is something difficult to balance out, but recent experiences with Sir J and Master P have taught me that I am getting better at this.
And yes, I'm still very much seeking my way, almost everything is a learning experience. Luckily there are people who allow me to grow at my own pace, and luckily there are people like you supporting me in my journey :)
Rauber, I am the one to thank you for your reply now. Not because you are saying that I am right about a lot of things, but because it also is helpful for me to get such feedback about not being alone with my issues.
ReplyDeleteI am also a person having a tendency to over-analyze things, regardless of what they are. It is the worst decision of all to do nothing out of fear of something going wrong. There always will go something wrong at times, we are as humans just built to learn from try and error. By trying to avoid that, we will not learn nor develop. So simple, but hard to accept yet. We both have to break free of that, to develop and enjoy life fully finally. And both our education certainly play a big role in it. Although I am not that progressed as you when it comes to real-life experience, I might share a thought with you that helped me: our educators (parents, teachers, ...) were pretending to some extend. Pretending that they did not enjoy life in the extend it should be enjoyed, and it was wrong to enjoy life to such extend. Why? I think because they also were not able to overcome their own fears about it, and also from the wish to protect us as their pupils / children the best they thought possible. But they just oversaw something: what they possibly really not enjoy, could be the best for us instead, even without them really understanding and despite their best intentions. So, even while not wasting their education, but honoring it for what it is, the best they could ever do, we should continue to seek our own way, what we enjoy, without too much risk. Nevertheless, risking to miss any joy by sticking to too demanding rules is definitively the wrong way! One has to built one's own judgement on risk, based on oneself's experience.
There will always be times risking to be abused. But without trust, with the risk to be disappointed about it, there will also be no gain. It is the view on people around us: is it mainly that we distrust them, or do we mainly trust them, with some healthy caution due to education and experience. It is hard to find a balance here, especially after bad experience. But I think it is very valuable to fight for a very good balance here for his own benefit.
I wish you all the best! May you always have good experiences, without ever getting seriously hurt, but getting highest joy only!
Regards, Roland