good news, bad news...

Bad news. My "slave holiday" this weekend.......has been cancelled! So annoying. It's not really his fault (if he's telling the truth, and I believe he is), but it's still annoying on multiple levels. First of all, I was obviously looking forward to it, and have been looking forward to it for over a month now. And 2 days ago, he sent me a mail that already got me a little bit in the mood...I'm not going to repeat what he said, but, in a very nice, non-aggressive way, he let me know that he decides when I will eat and sleep. It made me think "woah, he's really going to decide everything for me, I'm going to be his slave, it's going to be so good!"

Secondly, even though he paid me the plane ticket back, I now have no reason to go to Nice. And even if I want to go, I only have 3 days to find a hotel and stuff. I wish I had more time to prepare, all my holidays are 'active' ones where I plan what I'll do in detail. I always have to do something, anything, or I get bored. I'm usually not one to visit places just to soak up the atmosphere. To be honest, I already looked up some hotels, and some activities I could do and places to visit, but I'm not used to deciding on such short notice. So right now, I'm thinking of cancelling the flight, and just stay at home. I'm already going to Paris in about 2 weeks, and I don't really want to spend more money on travel stuff this year.

The good news then, is that Master R invited me for a session tomorrow. I accepted, although I didn't realise how hard I wanted it until some people on twitter told me to go for it (thanks guys! heh). I also saw him today (but he didn't see me) in a public place today (at his work, sort of), not even 2 minutes after I read the mail about my cancelled holiday. Randomly seeing him made my day a little better. And then this evening, he was on straypup, and I couldn't help myself teasing him a little. Result: "comments like that means your behind is going to be more red than usual". Now I'm definitely looking forward to it!

Master R also asked me if I wanted to be punished by him in a bdsm-club. I said I had to think about it. I know you don't believe me, but I am a shy, introverted guy. Having a "mild" form of autism helps with that. I could make an entire blog about that, but, putting it simply, just being around other people gives me an insane amount of stress. Being naked in front of strangers would make the stress levels go deep into the red.

Or, you know, maybe not. In that session with other slaves, all of them were also 'strangers' to me, and I could handle being around them. Of course, that was simple, since there was only one master, the rest were slaves. In a club, things will be more complicated.

But maybe I just think about it too much. And I definitely want to give it a try. I'm actually quite honoured that he asked me, it means he's okay with showing me in public as his slave. So it would be a sort of coming out for me, as a slave, and as his slave. He probably does this with most members of his "slave stable", but still, it would be a big step for me.

I'm going to talk about all the above with Master R tomorrow for sure.

So I guess the next update will be about the session, maybe with pictures :)

personal history

This is a post I meant to do since I started this blog, but I never seemed to feel like writing it. Well, now that I'm in a blogging mood, I might as well do it now.

I want to talk about my memories from my childhood and early teens that were related to bdsm.

Childhood memories:

- at some point, I started playing the 'bad guy' whenever I played with other kids, because I knew they would capture me and put me in 'prison' or something like that. I thought it was more exciting than playing the good guy. Also, when I got older (around 11-12 I guess), being captured sometimes made my stomach all tingly (a "butterflies in my stomach" sort of feeling). It was a weird feeling, but pleasant. I think the last time I had it, I was playing with a nephew, and he locked me up in my granddad's garden shed. It was full of spiders and stuff, but I was actually really excited to be locked away, and that tingling feeling was really strong.

- when I was in the backseat of a car, I sometimes pretended that I was kidnapped and tied up. So I just stayed still for ages. My parents probably thought I was asleep or something, or playing some silly game. I got my inspiration from a kidnapped boy, the son of some rich industrialist I think. I still remember the boy's name (Anthony!) and how he told the journalists that he was treated alright (I think one of the headlines was "they fed me cabbage!" or something heh), but that they tied him up and blindfolded him a lot.

- actually, my dad did tie me up sometimes, with a scarf, a soft belt, and once even rope. I don't remember when or why he started doing this, but it was so much fun being tied up and struggling to escape. I think he did it to keep me busy - and quiet - while he watched some tv or something. And before you scream "child abuse!", he obviously knew I enjoyed it, I sometimes begged him to tie me up, but he didn't always want to. When he stopped doing it altogether, well, that was when my childhood ended I guess.

- I remember my dad having bought me a comic book (french style, "bande dessinée") compilation. One of the stories was set in medieval times, and it started in a dungeon. It actually had quite graphic scenes of guys in chains being tortured and branded, but I just couldn't stop looking at it! I don't remember what the story was about, I just remember those first 3 pages or so. It probably explains my love for a) medieval torture devices, b) horror films, and c) anything related to dungeons and imprisonment.

Teen life:

- my first wet dream was bdsm-related. It was a random dream at first; me and some classmates seemed to hold a race or a competition of some sort in a big supermarket. We drove around in carts, putting things in it, hitting each other etc. I don't know what happened, but at the end of the dream, a girl from my class (who I didn't like!) somehow tied us all to a cross, laughed and made fun of us. I woke up with this really, really weird feeling in my stomach, at least 10 times as intense as what I described above. Actually, it was a "dry" dream, I was only about 12, and I don't think my body was able to produce or squirt sperm yet.

- obviously, when I finally did start having wet dreams, and discovered the joys of masturbation, all I fantasised about was being a prisoner, and tied up, or in chains. That alone turned me on so much. I never actually fantasised about sex with girls (or boys - that came much, much later), just that. Later I also had fantasies of being tortured, and some fantasies were rather extreme.

- I also saw l'Histoire d'O (Story of O) at a very young age. Well, I only really remember the ending (and I probably don't remember it right, it must've been 15 years ago), but the idea of sexual slavery turned me on immensely. Also the symbolism of her collar, and her genital piercing, and being branded for her Master... it was so hot. And not just that, I could already see the romanticism in it: O basically 'sacrifices' her body to serve her Master, because she loves her Master, and her Master loves her, but at the same time she is still his slave, his toy. I should really see this film again, it was definitely a huge influence on my fantasies.

There was probably more, but that's all I remember for now.

future sessions, 24/7 and other thoughts

It seems like I haven't mentioned this before, but a week or two ago I told Master R that I'd like to do another 'naughty schoolboy' session, preferably with another sub. He said he knew the perfect guy. We've been sending some messages, and he's up for it, but it won't happen until mid-november at the earliest. Ugh. I'm really looking forward to it, I have a lot of things in mind (and already shared them with Master R). It'll also be the first time I'll play with a sub younger than me (he's 27).

Master R also asked me if I wanted to join him in a session at a bdsm-club (the same one he privately booked for the session with other subs), but this time during regular hours, so there will be other people watching us. I said that I had to think about that. In one way, I'm honoured that he asked me, since I'm going to be on public display as "his" slave. So he definitely thinks I'm worth showing to other people. On the other hand, I'm a shy, timid guy, and doing that session with other slaves was already a huge step for me, that was the first time men other than the 2 masters I've been with saw me completely naked. I'm extremely shy about my body as well - you've seen the pics, my penis and balls are small, and I'm not exactly the most athletic-looking guy. So, I don't know, I still haven't decided. I'm leaning towards going at some point, but then more as a sort of experiment, to see if I'll like it, and also to do Master R a favour.

Related to that, I've been thinking about my relationship with him, but it's hard to describe what we have. I guess he's a kind of mentor to me, I tell him everything bdsm-related I do (well, close to everything - this blog is still a secret to everyone), I told him about my previous session and he was very interested in my experiences, I showed him the pics and he loved them. On the other hand, I'm part of his 'slave stable', which includes at least 10 other guys, and he probably has a similar relationship with at least some of them.

I don't know, thinking about it confuses me. Moving on...

Recently I've had some people asking me on straypup and recon if I want to be "trained" for 24/7. I honestly have no idea if I want that. There is a part of me that wants to submit to someone 100%, ready for him/her/them at all times, but then another part of me (I guess the rational part) is scared as hell by that idea. I'm a rather independent, even selfish guy, I never have to look after anyone, and I can do what I want in my spare time. If I really am going to commit myself to someone, this selfishness will have to go. It's also one of the reasons my previous relationships didn't work out; I found it incredibly hard to compromise.

I've talked about this to a dutch guy on straypup, and it's a shame he lives so far from me, because I definitely got the feeling we're very compatible. The conversation also went from kink to history and languages (two of my- and his - favourite subjects). He's looking for a more daddy-son type of relationship, and I can see myself functioning in that type of relationship as well. He wants a son to "educate", which includes keeping the boy chaste, and regular spankings. The amount of kink/bdsm would be rather low, but I wouldn't mind really. I'd rather have a loving relationship with a low amount of bdsm rather than one where I'm just a dumb sex/bdsm object to a master who doesn't really care about me.

Maybe I should make a list of things I'd want in a 24/7 relationship, and just send it to everyone who asks me about it. I'm sure it would scare of 95% of the masters.

I've been talking to another guy, he's not that much older than me, also looking for a slave to own, but he was far more aggressive in approaching me. I usually hate that sort of aggressiveness, when people on recon/straypup say something like "slave, send me a nude picture of you right away!" as a first message, I just ignore them or tell them I'm not interested. I mean, I'm not a slave, I'm only a slave when I submit to a master. I know it's just words, but the way in which they're said is important to me.

Anyway, he wasn't as aggressive as the others, and he asked me some genuine, normal questions, so I kept talking to him. He also has a nipple piercing, and regular readers know that this is one of my biggest turn-ons. I sent him some pics of me, and unlike some other people, actually kept talking to me heh, so that's a plus. Or maybe he's just desperate. Anyway, if our conversations continue the way they're now, I might meet up with him at some point.

I had more to say but this entry is already long enough!

blog stats

This is my 50th post on this blog, I thought I should celebrate by writing about...my blog!

First of all, I was thinking of installing that flag counter thing, but then I realised blogger actually keeps quite a lot of details on visitors already. The results were...not that surprising I guess, but I love statistics (and in particular analysing them), so I'll share them with you anyway.

countries

I get most of my visits from Belgium, but that's because I didn't tick the "don't count your own visits" box until this week, so even though I'm sure I get visitors from Belgium, it would surprise me that if the number is as high as other countries. Other countries I get a good number of visitors from are the US, the UK, Netherlands, Germany and France. About the only surprise in the overall top 10 is Saudi Arabia. And this week I got some visits from Lebanon. I wonder if they got here by accident, or maybe the middle east is more kinky than us westerns think :)

traffic

Most of my visitors seem to get here through Google friend connect, which means they probably saw my avatar on someone else's blog. There are 2 blogs that have provided me with a fair number of visitors. The first one is http://tentaciones2011.blogspot.com/ , which is by a Spanish mistress. She once sent me a very positive and encouraging email, right when I was getting somewhat bored with this blog. She told me I should keep exploring my sexuality and kinky side, and keep writing about it. I took a lot of courage from her message, and started to think that sharing my experiences is a good thing, as other people might learn something from it, or get ideas of their own based on what I wrote. Or get turned on with what I write, heh. Either way, that message from her is definitely one of the main reasons why this blog still exists.

Second blog is http://dirtypigsdog.blogspot.com/ , a very interesting blog about the adventures of a total slave. I really love reading it, I always look forward to the next entry. If you don't follow it already, you should, I consider it one of the best kinky blogs here on blogger.com. And it's probably also the reason why I get a high number of visitors on my own blog from the Netherlands.

entries/keywords

The number of visits to specific entries is very low, I guess most people just look at the front page, as there is really no reason to click on individual entries. It's probably not surprising that the entries that get the most views are the one with pictures. Right now the "naughty schoolboy session" entry is the most viewed... well, for fans of the naughty schoolboy scenario I have good news, since there's going to be another session in the near future. Some of my posts where I talk about chastity and my fantasies also seem popular. One of my stories, "Charlotte" also got a fair number of hits.

As for keywords, people seem to come here to read about "cb6000", "bondage session" and "naughty schoolboy spank". Hmm. Probably the weirdest is "martin gore bdsm" (although I did mention him in my "bdsm and music" entry) .

All in all, I don't get that many visitors compared to my "neighbours" (and with that I mean other kinky blogs I follow), but then they have more interesting blogs anyway, so I don't mind. I seem to be getting more readers though. In August 2010, I had 105 hits. In August 2011, 454 hits, the highest number ever. The average in the last 3 months is about 14 visitors a day.

As I said, this is the 50th entry, and I still have a lot of ideas for more entries, this blog is very much alive. I enjoy writing entries, and I certainly hope my readers enjoy reading it!

bondage session with RopeMaster Willy

Yesterday I had my first bondage session with RopeMaster Willy. My Belgian readers might have heard of him, he's quite active in the Antwerp scene.

I found his profile on recon, and was very impressed with what I saw. So I asked if we could meet up, and only a couple of days later I nervously rang his doorbell. And this is what happened...

After showing me around a bit, I put on a hood for him, and we decided to start with tying me to a spanking bench. He spanked me and whipped me with at least 8 different whips, building it up really nicely. Every time I thought "this is hard, if he keeps this up I'll have to tell him to stop", he actually stopped hitting me before I could finish that thought. That already was an indication that I was being handled by a very, very experienced master.

For the second part, I was tied to the cross. I could hardly move anything, and realising that made me hard (first time in the session, oh boy). He put nipple clamps and clothespins on me. After a couple of minutes I really felt like I couldn't take that many more clothespins, so I told him (he very regularly asked if I was okay, by the way, another sign of a good, experienced master).

Then, for the last part, he put me in body bondage, with the goal to horizontally suspend me. This was the longest part of the session (and if you see the pictures below, you'll understand why). I was really impressed with his technique:

This is actually my favourite photo of the session, it was taken right after he finished with the rope bondage. He told me to look in the mirror and say what I thought. I was pretty much speechless at how I looked, I think you'll agree with me that it looks great. So this picture is basically me admiring his handiwork, surrounded by his tools.

As for the suspension...

I don't know how many of you have ever been suspended like that, but honestly, I can't recommend this enough. It was so, so awesome. Such a weird, but great feeling. Very relaxing in a way. He put on a blindfold (I had to take off the hood when I was lying on the floor, felt like I couldn't breath enough), and put on some relaxing music, and told me to enjoy. He swinged me from side to side sometimes, or spinned me around softly, it was really weird. In some ways, it made me feel like a kid again, and being on some sort of theme park ride for the first time. I know I keep repeating myself, but it felt great. I was smiling all the time.

So yeah, awesome session, I did a lot of new things, and I definitely want to go back and do some more. He's a busy master though, and Antwerp is quite far for me. It's going to be difficult to meet up again. I'm also not sure he enjoyed working with me - I'm a rather passive, quiet "model", and I actually only got hard a couple of times, and when he told me to masturbate at the end of the session, I just couldn't. I don't quite know why I felt really safe with him. And as you can see, I'm not the most attractive/athletic guy either. That tight rope bondage really exposes me for the fat pig I am. ...okay it's not that bad, but it still makes me feel more insecure about my body.

Also, there were more pics of this session, but I forgot to bring along a usb stick, and even if I did, I had to catch my train. Like I said, the distance between us is annoying.

Oh yeah, and here's the obligatory "the day after the spanking" picture:

Apart from those whip marks on my right side, it doesn't look that bad, but I certainly felt it. I also think the marks are more noticeable because I have such a pale skin. I read somewhere that pale skin breaks more easily and recovers more slowly, so that would also explain why the marks from the previous session lasted so long.

All in all, a great session I'll remember for a very long time.

smile

Okay, I have a question. Don't hate me for it, and let me explain.

Don't you sometimes feel that a lot of bdsm-related things are....pretty silly?

Let me explain. The last time I had an individual session with Master R was the one with the schoolboy scenario. At the start of that, I felt pretty silly. Especially when I had to sit on my knees with my arms in the air. I honestly had a hard time not to burst out in laughter. It was so, so silly.

I had that feeling again with the session last week. At the start of the session, we were all standing there in our underwear, waiting for the master to order us around. I was the first one in the play room, so I could see the others, all "normal" men between 30 and 50, being brought in, tied up, whipped and spanked. It was like part of a comedy, or rather a joke without a punch line.

Am I the only one who feels like this sometimes? I mean, I'm not making fun of all your kinks or anything, but I'm just saying that, from a certain perspective, it can all look pretty damn silly. But I also have to say that, in my two personal examples above, I soon got into the right mood and enjoyed it in a mental, physical and obviously sexual way. So, while I might find a lot of bdsm-related things silly in some way, it can also arouse me and satisfy me in a lot of different ways.

I still don't get the feeling I properly explained what I mean, but I still wanted to get it out in the open. Feel free to let me know what you think.

the french invasion

First of all, I just booked a flight...to Nice...So yes, I am going to be a rich man's toy for a couple of days. Now that I actually booked the flight, I'm less nervous than I was before. Now there's no going back. Now it's an actual event, not a possible event. That makes it easier for me to deal with mentally.

Secondly, I've been exchanging messages with a french master for a couple of days now. It's been pretty tiring for me, most of all because I insisted in replying in french at first. My french is...not bad (at all, if I may say so) but I can't write nearly as fluently as I do in english, so it took me ages to reply. He also asks a lot of questions in each mail. So much, that I accused him of being a cop, which he denied.

Anyway, he started with asking me what turns me on, stuff like that. After a while, he started sending things like "so, you get turned on when your master plays with your nipples? Do you get even harder when he starts whipping you?" Yes, he was starting to push my buttons. He even got me to send me some more pics of me, something I never...okay, hardly ever do. Our conversation reached a breakpoint when he asked me to take pictures of me shaving my groin, ass and armpits. I said no. He asked me why. Told him I'm not into online domination. He understood, and kept sending more mails with a million questions. Today, he's been asking more psychological questions, which make me feel even more uncomfortable than the kinky questions. I just had about enough of those questions really.

So, in a way, I'm annoyed with him, but he would also make a good master. He's really into humiliation, and as much as I hate to admit it, I like being humiliated (in a sexual/bdsm way that is!) Like, last night, he ended his mail with "speak to you tomorrow, my little apprentice slave". That, believe it or not, made something grow in my pants. He finished his last mail with "see you, my little bitch friend" (of course, this all sounds better and hornier in french - everything sounds better and hornier in french). I've been ignoring his remarks, mostly because, on one hand, I want to write back something like "no, YOU're the bitch, bitch!", and on the other hand, I want to write "yes sir, I am a bitch-slave sir!" Ugh. I guess I'm still struggling with my submissive feelings. Then again, it's not like I'm submissive 100% of the time.

Anyway, if he lived a little closer, I probably would submit to him, but he's about 5 hours away by train, so it's not going to happen.

That's all for now. Big day tomorrow, first session with multiple slaves. Five slaves, apparently, Master R and an assistant-master. Should be fun. He usually takes pictures, so if I get them I'll put them online somewhere :)

I'm a rich man's toy

First of all, next week I'll finally be able to play again. And with a bonus: Master R rented an SM room, and he invited some of his slaves. Including me. If no-one cancels, there are going to be 6 slaves, and one assistant-master. This will be entirely new to me, I don't know any of the other slaves, I've never been to that SM place, and it will actually be the first time that I play with other slaves. So I'm quite nervous, especially since it's been such a long time that I actually played at all (apart from some self-bondage, that obviously doesn't compare to the "real" thing). But I know I can trust Master R, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I've been sending a lot of questions to the guy in France, and I think he might be getting tired of me now haha. I'm still not 100% sure I'm going to do it (it, being, taking a plane to meet him, and be his slave for the weekend), but I'm about...90% sure now. He does seem nice, answered all my questions, even gave me the email of one of his previous slaves (although they do have a remarkably similar writing style...but that's probably me being too paranoid). If he really was out to rape me or whatever, he could've just made a profile with that message and I'm sure he'll get a hundred of offers. Mostly fakers of course, but still. And I have to admit, some of his wishes might come across as a bit strange - which makes it even more likely that he's genuine.

I won't post all the details here, but I've come to realise that what he's offering is perfect for me. I play it cool in my mails to him (I think I just said "okay, I can do that" as a reply to his mail with all the things I'd have to do), but, jeez, I've actually been masturbating a lot thinking about it. I'll be naked and in chastity for most of the time, that's already a huge turn-on for me. And the only sexual thing I'll have to do is suck his dick. Okay, I can do that! Heh. But really, being a sort of houseboy/slave is one of my strongest fantasies, and this would be a good test to see if it's something I want in real life as well. In his words: "If you never try, you can never know if you are a slave or only a masochist." True. But I do I have to fly to the south of France to find out? Hmm.
Anyway, I'll do another update once I made my decision. And I'll let you know if Master R can handle 6 slaves, including yours truly.

(the title of this entry, by the way, is the title of a song by The Auteurs, I thought it was appropriate for this post)