Some more London thoughts

First of all, I have to say I feel a great sense of gratitude towards J that I cannot express in words. Saying "thank you" to him just isn't enough, not even if I say it a hundred times. He allows me to explore my kinky side without steering me in a direction that only benefits him, like so many other doms do. He is an enabler, not an enforcer. Above all though, he is a very good friend. Nowadays that is a very rare thing to have, so I'm very lucky I met him.

So, what have I learned about myself on this trip?



First of all, a negative thing - I still noticed I had trouble saying what I felt and what I wanted. I think now it was a combination of my usual shyness about sharing my thoughts, even when I'm with friends, and not wanting to bother him about any kinky feelings I had as he might not be in the mood. I know I should've should just spoken up and see what happened, but I didn't, which was very silly and stupid of me. It's one of those things I need to work on. On the last day though, I did manage to ask him if I could watch him shower, and of course he allowed me to. It made me very happy, and I'm sure he liked it as well.

Something that surprised me is how well I was taking all the beatings.Yes I still moaned, groaned, complained, etc., but I was never close to stopping the scene, even though all the beatings I got were definitely harder than my regular beatings.
I always tell people I'm not a true masochist because I don't get sexually turned on by getting beaten, but this time, that would've been a lie. I enjoyed getting beaten much more than usual, and was definitely turned on by it (especially during the beating I got on Monday, as I said in my previous entry). I don't know why it was different this time, maybe I felt more relaxed than usual, maybe I was already much hornier than usual, maybe...I don't know.

Another feeling that's been growing is my hatred towards J. Yes I hate him! When he's beating me at least hehe. At times I really did feel like shouting "stop it you bastard!" or just swearing at him. And even after a beating I have this 'cooldown' time where I'm still angry at him. I mean, it's not real anger/hate of course, and there are also added feelings of submission and a weird sense of gratitude involved, so... well, it's complicated to explain, but I think at least some subs that read this will understand what I'm talking about.

Related to that, I still have role-reversal fantasies, and J has been my prime victim recently. How would he like it if I, during a beating, suddenly snatch the cane from him and start beating him? Hmm? He'd hate that wouldn't he? Would he hate it as much as I hate getting beaten by him? Hmm?
...It will never happen though, and don't tell him I said this hehe. Maybe these feelings will go away once I get some experience as a dom, I don't know.

This was actually quite a sexless holiday. Well, I got to masturbate twice, but I never had to sexually service someone else. I'm not sure how I feel about that. In one way I'm happy because it's proof I can really enjoy kinky time with others without the need for sexual intercourse of any kind (you know I enjoy sex, but not on the same level as bondage/SM). On the other hand, I have to admit that I sort of missed it.

I also missed intimacy in general - I don't mean sex but things like hugs and stuff :) And smelling  J's crotch. Yeah, definitely not enough of that hehe. But I can understand that J wasn't really in the mood for much of that (or anything), I forgive him. But to be honest I did have a difficult moment on Sunday (the day I was mostly alone), in which I definitely questioned my being there, I did not see any point in it as I knew well on beforehand that I wouldn't get much kinky time, I felt like I should've just stayed for 2 days (just to visit FetishBound), as days like that Sunday are basically 'lost' days anyway.
But then the days after that we did have some kinky fun, and we did more stuff together in general, so it was definitely worth staying a bit longer.

I think that's about all I have to say. I had quite a hard time writing all this, struggling to find the right words to describe my feelings. And all I'm doing is nitpicking and over-analysing anyway, which is pretty stupid really. Maybe it was a bad idea to make an entry like this in the first place. But I went through all this trouble to write down my thoughts so I'm publishing it!

Oh yeah, and do you want  to see the result of one week of London?

This!!! Why I let these evil people do this to me I have no idea.
(but really, just like last time it looks worse than it felt, I just bruise very very easily. I'll survive heh)