repressed memories!

I actually have some more things to say about the last couple of weeks...

Chastity: this is a fetish of mine I've been pretty much ignoring since I started doing BDSM-sessions, mostly because none of the Masters I met were interested in it. Until Sir J.
I think this is a fetish that's incredibly hard to explain to people who aren't into it, but I'm happy I've been able to talk to some of my 'chastity brothers' and read their stories/blogs... one thing we can all agree on is that it just feels right to be in chastity. We probably all have different reasons to like it, consciously or subconsciously, but that's certainly something we all agree on.
Another thing that's part of the experience (at least for me) is what I call 'chastity euphoria'. The first week of being locked is hard, and for me the hardest part is always between day 7 and 10, then I feel silly, stupid and even angry at myself for wearing a chastity device. But then...everything suddenly makes sense, I like wearing the device, and I want to wear it forever. So really, the first two weeks are definitely the hardest part about being locked up in my experience.

Staying with Sir J, the feeling was a bit different. I started wearing the cb2000 a week before I went to him. I got that silly/stupid/angry feeling on day 5, then felt better again. I was a little embarrassed about it when I had to strip for the first time, but I got used to it a lot quicker than I thought I would. But on the second day, I had that um, little emotional breakdown, and I really think the chastity aspect had something to do with it. He was saying that I would stay locked up for my entire stay, while he'll get to cum whenever he wants to. I thought that was so unfair! I was upset about that, and I guess I also finally realised the situation I was in: this guy was going to dominate me, tease me and hurt me for a whole week... can I even handle that?
So that moment was actually good for letting go of some of the fears and doubts I had, and after that I was also more comfortable wearing the cb2000, and I actually didn't want to cum at all. And I didn't. Even when I got home I didn't masturbate straight away...it took me another 3 days actually. So my total orgasm-less period was 17 days, I think the second longest lock-up period I ever did. And also the first one where someone else was in control (apart from the last 3 days).


The beatings: I still want to say something about this. I know I complained a lot about them, but my attitude did change over the course of my stay with Sir J. At first I was rather annoyed with them, almost considering them a necessary evil. They also hurt, you know? Heh. You see, I don't get off or get hard when I get spanked - pain in itself doesn't turn me on. But I somehow still enjoy getting spanked and beaten, if it's not too hard of course!
Anyway. Over the course of the week, I guess I got used to being beaten, and after a while I started being genuinely thankful for getting beaten. The before-bed-beatings helped with that, but about every two days I got a more serious beating as well. Like I said before, the last couple of days I started looking forward to my BBBs, but I got a pretty hard beating on day 7, probably the hardest beating I got that week. Definitely pushing my limits, but I felt great afterwards. Well, mostly in need of a hug!

I think I have enough experience now to know the difference between a good beating and a bad beating. Well I never got a bad beating during my stay, but there were 2 good beatings that stood out for me:
1) The one in the club. Such a good structure and build-up, including the warm-up spanking, and watching Rick get spanked while waiting for my 'proper' beating. The beating was fairly hard but never too hard, with some new elements I never experienced before (the bullying/slapping/pushing part at the end). And I got 2 great rewards afterwards: hugs, and Sir J telling me I've been a good boy and that he's proud of me!
2) Master I spanking me. He really is a Master when it comes to spanking, trust me. Such a good rhythm, with enough variation and a great build up. I tell you, he was composing a symphony on my ass!! Spankings can be an art form as well, I'm sure of it.

The caning on the last day was also important for me mentally...I was honestly upset that I ignored an order Sir J gave me, because I felt like I disappointed him and that I wasn't a good boy. The resulting punishment was good because it put my mind at ease. And I do think I got off relatively easy, there were far more cruel things he could've done. Getting attention, even if it's in the form of a caning, is still better than getting no attention at all, in my opinion.


This experience has also given me a better idea of the things I like in a long-term scene or a dom/sub relationship. One of the things I really enjoyed were the daily traditions. Not just the before-bed-beating, but also the 'table' command (it meant I had to kneel by the table and wait until the food is served), and some other little things. So that's something I would definitely need in a similar relationship.
I think I'm also more of a boy than a slave...but that's difficult to explain and I'm already tired heh. I have to say I really enjoy being a cheeky boy - it's part of my personality really. Not sure Sir J enjoyed that - at one point he told me to "stop being too clever for your own good". Yup, I can be handful I suppose...
I also have some ideas for my next time with Sir J - but I don't really want to think about that too much. At least not until we can actually arrange something. I'd love to go again this summer but that might not be possible, so it would be silly to dream about things that can't be.


I think I said enough now... next entry: monthly blog talk.