the (non)sex entry

Okay, this entry is one of those long personal entries in which I just need to get something off my chest, and it  will probably not make much sense, so feel free to skip.

Let's begin with what happened last week. Like I send in my 'review', the session with Master W was for the most part high on (oral) sex and low on actual bondage/BDSM. In my review I said I didn't really seem to be in the mood, but I should actually say that it bored me. It didn't help that Master W acted more like a porn director than a bdsm-master during that part.

Another thing is my reaction to what I see on my tumblr feed lately. Guys having sex with each other? Meh. Naked guy wearing a collar and kneeling at the feet of another guy? Super-hot!! (or as some of my fellow internet geeks would say: insta-boner!!)

It made me think.

When I first went on the internet, about 10 years ago, and people asked me about my sexuality, I told them I was bi-asexual. I thought that was pretty clever of me, since I had fallen in love with people of both genders, and I didn't really consider sex to be important to me. I was still a virgin back then...
Since then I've had sex with people of both genders, and I'd still say bi-asexual isn't really a bad term, despite a lot of people trying to categorise me under the gay label (more about that later). It's not that I can't enjoy sex, I just don't really feel the need for it. I do feel the need for intimacy, but that's something completely different than sex for me.

"But rauber", I hear you think, "in your session reports, you talk about sucking cock like it's the best thing ever! Are you a hypocrite, a liar or just very messed up in the head?" Good question! Mostly the latter. But let me explain. For me, serving someone orally is part of the session, and it's part of my submission during that session. It's a way of actively expressing my submission to my master. If I am in that right headspace, I do love sucking dick. It makes me more submissive, it makes me feel like a dirty slut (in the best possible way), and when Master R says things like "yeah, that's what your slave-mouth is for...pleasuring your Master!"...it just drives me insane (again, in the best possible way).
See, it's all about the context for me. Last year I had a session with Master R where I masturbated him after a session, and that just felt wrong to me, and didn't bring me any joy at all. You can read a few words about it here. So in a way, the session last week just confirmed some of these feelings. My journey is a learning process, and I guess I really did learn something important.

Since I generally have so little interest in other people's sex organs, I'm really feeling quite isolated in the BDSM community. Sites like recon in particular don't really help, it's like pretty much everyone there is just looking for sex. Kinky sex maybe, but still sex as main goal. I think I only ever had about 3 contacts that put bondage and/or submission first. I actually got a message from someone yesterday. "Good to see there are people who love bondage on this site". I replied "Looks like there are so many people who only really want sex here...me, I'm 100% into bondage". He agreed with me and said I'm an inspiration, hah.

Most people - pretty much everyone I've met in the kinky scene - just automatically classify me as gay. Not without reason of course - what else am I doing on a gay profile site like recon? So I'm having a really hard time making people believe I'm really not looking for sex. It's like I almost hear them thinking "Not looking for sex? Right..." Actually, I had this feeling since the start of my journey, and it's getting pretty tiring. Some examples:
(my first ever bdsm session) So this was really your first ever session? Right...
(my first time with a guy) So this was really the first time you slept with a guy? Right...
I don't know why I would lie about that honestly.

Anyway, why I'm mentioning all this - yesterday, Sir J and me were talking, and I asked him a couple of sex and sexuality-related questions with this entry in mind. He first surprised me by asking if we should put sex as a limit when we meet up, which I thought was very thoughtful and um, sort of cute heh. When I said I wanted to be trained anally, with as goal him fucking me, and that this would be an experiment for me, he said "you mean you've never been fucked?" Well, at that point, I lost it, and started crying. I had what I wrote above in my mind (the "right..." bit), and I was honestly half expecting him to also have that same reaction (he didn't, of course).

It wasn't just that, but a whole lot of things that were on my mind that day. It wasn't made better by that faker dude I already mentioned on this blog, who had contacted both of us (seperately!) some time ago, but keeps deleting his profile. Well, under Sir J's supervision, we made arrangements to meet up again, telling him it was his last chance etc. etc.... of course, in the end, he got scared again. I wasted 3 hours of my evening talking to him - all that time was completely pointless. So frustrating. And I'm not going to spend more time talking about him - until I see him face to face, he's not worth it.
So I was upset about that, and the previous things I wrote about, and things I'll probably never write about here, I suppose I just had to let it all out. That really doesn't happen a lot. I've been ill in the past week and that somehow always makes me more emotional as well for some reason. In any case, I'm happier and more positive now, so it was good to let it all out I guess.

So, to summarise: I get turned on by bondage and BDSM. Actual sex, not so much. My sexuality is weird. And a touchy subject. Did I really need a 1000 or so words to explain that?

Next entry: less whining (but still a fair amount) , more fun stuff.