re-cons

Like I said in my last update, I received an insane amount of messages on recon. Is January sub-hunting season, or is everyone, just like me, more horny than usual this month?

There were some familiar faces (the "?" guy learned a few new words), and even this guy who stood up on Master R and me is back again. I wasn't 100% it was him at first, but after chatting to him I am sure. I wonder how long it'll take him to delete his profile again. I give it a week, at most. I'm actually willing to give him another chance, but I'm not meeting up with him, he has to make an appointment with a dom, and actually show up, then I'll take him seriously.

So far I have 3 bdsm dates confirmed: 2 with Master R (first one alone or with one other guy, the week after that a group session), and a new guy I'm supposed to meet next Friday. Except he hasn't been online at all in the past 3 days. It's still 6 days away, but I'm already starting to doubt it will go ahead. I hope he proves me wrong.
Then there are some other guys who contacted me, who have interesting profiles, but they're on my waiting list. I'm giving priority to the guys I already know. But I already talked about this a few entries back I think. Definitely want to see Master P (it's been almost a year!) and RopeMasterWilly again this month.

A few weeks ago I also talked on msn with a guy a met through recon. It was obvious he was horny and in a sub mood, but I was tired and didn't really pick up on this until much later. He even came on cam for a couple of minutes. It's only after I ended the conversation I thought up things I could've made him do on cam. I'm sure he would've been up for it. Maybe next time. If he hasn't already thrown me off his list for being too boring haha.

Probably the most interesting contact I had in the past couple of weeks was with a guy who just wants to tie me up and "annoy" me (teasing, tickling, that sort of stuff). No sex. No D/s or Master/slave games. Just him and me, having fun. It sounds perfect to me. Like I said two entries back, bondage is really my number one kink. There are lot of other things that I love and that get me hard, but being tied up is the thing I enjoy the most. I also enjoy videos of guys getting tied up, not just because it turns me on, but also because I find it very pleasing visually. So much that I want to try it out myself. I already thought about buying a book with bondage techniques, but eventually I'll also need a willing and very patient victim. But I think I'm going to put that on hold for a while, and for now, enjoy getting tied up myself.

And now that we're talking about bondage, here's a blog I enjoy reading (and watching the pictures, of course!): Winter bondage. Even though I don't really share his clothing fetishes, he has done some really nice and creative bondage scenes. He updates regularly and it's always interesting to read about his adventures. Worth following in my opinion!

January

January is somehow always the month in which I'm the horniest. I don't know why, is the weather, the darkness, some planetary phenomenon, or an increase of D-branes in the 11th dimension? (sorry, I just saw a show about the string theory and other theoretical, uhh, theories, so there)
Seriously, this happens every year. Last year it already started in december, this year it seems to have peaked about 10 days ago. That's when I discovered a new (well, sort of new) fetish: skinheads. Or rather, skinhead gear and boots. Yes, how random. Or not. I mainly blame Recon, for having very beautiful pics of skinheads. And a few friends on twitter also have this fetish and probably were an influence as well. And I read some skinhead-related stories on nifty/gay/authoritarian... I'm ashamed to admit that I masturbated 3 times in 24 hours, the last time that happens was...well, it must've been about a year ago! Maybe even two, it's certainly something extremely rare.

Anyway, I'm back to normal now. As normal as I can be. Actually, because of that sudden skinhead fetish, some of my older, darker fantasies have popped up again, and they're not actually unrealistic. I found a good site that might explain some things: http://mdfy.me/. I already had a nice chat with someone, but I'd definitely need a person I can see face to face when I want to go through with some of the things I have in mind.

And I had some fun with duct tape! Well, fun...duct tape is pretty awful for bondage really heh. Over clothes it's okay, but on the skin...yikes. Painful when you have hair everywhere like I do. There's a good video on youtube about that. The fun starts around 3:40. I also like some of the comments heh. There are actually quite a lot of bondage videos on youtube. Mostly non-sexual of course, but still.
I also took some pics of myself, but they were pretty boring/cliché. I had plenty of ideas but being alone, there was only so much I could do. I really need a local friend who is willing to help me out with some practical bondage stuff. The pics are on twitter, but they're not really worth being put on flickr or anything. I suppose this one is pretty funny though. Also because that morning, I had a a spider bite on my right eyelid, and it was swollen like crazy. I took that pic a few hours after waking up, the swelling went down pretty quickly but you can still see it somewhat.

After being deprived of any kinky meetups for about two months, I intend to do a lot of sessions in February. I already have three sessions planned in the first two weeks, and two more that are on hold. I received a lot of messages on Recon lately, it must be sub-hunting season or something. It remains to be seen how many are genuine (two guys already deleted their profile it seems). But I'll complain about that (again) in my next update.

Lastly, I noticed Bondissimo uploaded a lot of videos in the past two weeks. One of my favourites is the kidnapped sailor one. I had to laugh several times watching that. It's so...theatrical, you know? And I don't mean that in a bad way, I love scenarios like that, I would definitely want to do something like that as well. I really love the way he handles his 'victims', and the way he imposes himself on them (sometimes he's like a predator circling his prey!) My favourite part in this video is when the sailor has to kiss his boots. Shaking his head like he doesn't want to (he obviously does!), and being forced to do it anyway. I really like that dynamic between them.

That's all for now, I'll update again soon.

quiz

I did that bdsm quiz I see on so many profile pages (well, I think it's the same one, I found it here):

Bondage

93%

Experimental

93%

Switch

86%

Degradation Lover

82%

Submissive

82%

Masochist

79%

Sadist

75%

Dominant

61%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

57%

Vanilla

18%

I think if I take this again next week, the results will be different again. But I would say that bondage is my number 1 turn-on. If I was forced to choose only one thing in a session, I would ask to be tied up. Preferably for an hour or longer. I find there's something strangely comforting and relaxing about being tied up (well, as long as you're not in a position that's too stressful on your body). I can think of a few reasons why, but I'll talk about it some other time. In the meantime you can read this entry which already explains a lot I think.  I have a really busy week ahead (exams!), expect a big entry with my recent adventures (and annoyances, yeah, mostly my annoyances) next week.

Switch

I haven't heard from that Egyptian dom in the past couple of days - I guess he's already bored of me! Maybe it's for the best. It's strange but every time I get very "deep" into submission, there's a sort of counter-reaction going on in my brain. This weekend I've been thinking up a few (realistic) scenarios where I'm the dom. And I had to do my best to not tease my online friends who are locked in chastity and call them "boy" (the irony of that is that when people call me "boy", I automatically turn submissive. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, now you all know how to manipulate me haha).

I still consider myself to be a naturally submissive though, but even more natural is my desire to experiment and find out things for myself. I know in the long term I'll feel bad about myself if I just stay submissive and never let out my dominant feelings. In my case, staying submissive would be like taking the easy way out: it's extremely easy for me to submit to a master, following orders, getting my ass spanked, etc. But being dominant, giving orders, having a boy at my feet - now that's a challenge! A challenge I may or may not be up to, time will tell.
I know many people don't believe in switching - that's too bad. Like I said before, some things aren't as black and white as we want them to be. They might be black and white for you, but that doesn't mean other people are wired the same way as you.

This weekend I got a lot of messages on recon - a few familiar ones (the return of the "?"), a few weird ones (dyslexic french guy - his messages were like a puzzle!) and a few interesting ones. I'm going to have a very busy february if I have to fit them all into my schedule. I'm giving priority to the "old" guys - no, not in age, but the ones I already talked to in 2011. I also want to visit Bondissimo (if he's still interested in having me) as soon as possible. I wasn't 100% sure before because some of his videos are a bit too intense for me, or just things I'm not into, but I saw a couple more "first time in dungeon" videos and a few older ones, and I should be able to handle that kind of intensity. It's also good to see he has some regulars, if they come back he must be doing something right! I like "Doug", the way he looks at the master...and, in part three, I love how Bondissimo is playing mind games with him (watch it from around 7:20).
I should also visit RopeMasterWilly again, in march he's leaving the country for several months, and I definitely don't want to wait until after the summer to see him again. Plus, he still has pictures of our first session I haven't seen yet.

And lastly, some blog news: I noticed that I'm getting a lot of traffic from people looking for NetterSadist and RopeMasterWilly. Which I don't mind - but Google seems to mix up a few things, and when you do an image search for NetterSadist, one of the first ten pictures you'll see is...me!! And if you do an image search for RopeMasterWilly, you'll get all the pictures I posted on this blog (most of them being from session with Master R of course). That's just wrong, it'll give people the wrong impression. I already disabled the "let search engines find your blog" option, but it's probably going to take a while until my pics are gone. I'm not the only one with a problem like that it seems, and google is extremely slow when it comes to reindexing things. I'm quite annoyed with the whole thing really.

tumblr

Since it's all the rage now, I made a tumblr: rauberx.tumblr.com

What is tumblr? I don't know, but I do know there are a lot of hot pictures on it. For now, I'm just reblogging the pictures I like, my page is a sort of "personal favourites" when it comes to bdsm and gay pictures (ie. stuff I may or may not masturbate to). It will have a lot of my kinks and fetishes, probably also things I don't even talk about in this blog. It's basically the evil porn twin of this blog. Here I talk about my feelings and my bdsm journey, tumblr is more about what I'd like to happen to me. Although a fair number of the bondage pictures aren't that different from my bondage experiences. So let's just say that my tumblr has pictures I like, okay?

I have been thinking about adding my own pictures, but like I said, I don't want them to be spread around with possibly someone else claiming credit for it. So maybe I'll add a watermark to them, with the url of this blog or something, at the very least people will know where the picture originally comes from. Still, I'm going to sit on this idea for a while.

I also have twitter, even though I don't really update it that much:  https://twitter.com/rauberx And pretty much everything I say there ends up on this blog, and in more detail.

the adventures of rauber the camwhore, part 2

I had another cam session with that egyptian dom. As I promised him, I showed him my toys. And as expected, he ordered me to suck the dildo. It's a rather long dildo so I had to gag pretty quickly. He thought it was amusing, and told me to do it again, and again, and again. I didn't really get any better at taking it in, and I wouldn't really describe this "training" as fun, but him making fun of me and calling me things like "little dog" and "good boy" and the humiliation of doing this on cam made me hard.

I had to get back to my studies, and we tried to arrange something a couple of hours later. He already had some appointment but tried to cancel it (just for me! crazy guy). In the meantime I had to put on the chastity cage (I just showed him the cb2000, so I put that one on). I had some pc problems, had to restart, he asked me to get back on cam for just a minute. I had to show him I was really wearing the cb2000. Did that, then my laptop crashed again. Saw him online a few hours later, but he didn't reply.
Next time he'll definitely want me to use the dildo on my hole, so I'm already mentally preparing for that. After that though, I expect him to get bored with me, since there's only so much you can do on cam. I don't mind either way, actually. He seems like a nice guy but it's not like I'll ever meet him in real life, and an online-only master/slave relationship is...just not productive, you know what I mean? I know a lot of people do it, but it's not my thing. It's fun for now, but I'm feeling rather indifferent to it especially when thinking long-term. It's just not a substitute for a physical relationship. And with that I mean: feeling the whip or the hand of the master on my behind.

Anyway, I also had a short but very nice self-bondage session. I put in the aneros plug, wore my collar and leather cuffs, and tied my legs together with rope. I tied the rope around my ankles and right above my knees, meaning I couldn't spread my legs, and the plug is pushed in a little deeper. I locked the leather cuffs in front of me. That way I was on my bed, with the covers over me, fantasising about...a lot of things. There was no danger of cumming and ruining everything because I was still in chastity.
At some point I even fell asleep. It was so wonderful waking up; feeling the plug and the chastity cage, not being able to move my legs seperately, the heavy leather cuffs around my wrists. It was just really, really nice. I need moments like this, where I'm locked up in my own little universe. It's almost like meditating in some way. It really is! I am the calm, quiet little center of the universe when I'm tied up like that.

That's all for now.

Revenge of the slut

So yesterday I was horny. I ended up chatting to that egyptian dom I mentioned a few entries earlier. Again, he was all "are you really that white?" and eventually he asked me to see me on cam. Normally I'd say no to this, but since I chatted with him before and he seemed like a nice guy, I did it. It didn't take long for him to ask me to undress, "just to see if your whole body is that white". I told him it would only be for a minute. So I took my clothes off, and would you believe it, as I strip, I get a hardon. I'm actually enjoying this. He asked me to spread my buttcheeks to see my hole. I did that too. Then he told me to put my clothes back on. He asked me if I have any toys, and if I can show them on cam. I said no (I was expecting my sister to come over, which is why I only agreed to strip for a minute). He asked me to do some other things on cam, then tried to convince me to masturbate on cam. He did this in a nice, respectable way though, mixed with some "don't fight yourself, you're horny and you want this, don't you". I still say no, and tell him I'll show my toys next time. And 3 minutes after I end the conversation, my sister is at the door.

I have to be honest, if it wasn't for my sister coming over, I would've showed him my toys, and I would've done everything he asked me to do, despite the fact that I put on my recon profile I'm not into webcam/cyber stuff. He even called me out on this (well, in a nice, but still confronting way heh). I was just so horny, the kind of horniness I also experienced while being in chastity. That feeling can be very overwhelming for me.  I mentioned this before, I like to be in control of my actions and emotions, and being this horny is...uncomfortable for me. But on the other hand, it's not like I'm hurting anyone by giving in to my horniness. Maybe it's even a good thing for someone as "uptight" as me? And maybe I'm denial that I'm actually a big slut. Master R and I once talked about this, he was teasing me about being a bit of a horny slave-slut (referring to the things I did in the session with other slaves). I said "no I'm not, I'm a nice boy really!" So he showed me the pictures of me sucking another slave's dick, sucking on his nipples, etc. Okay, I got the point, he was right. But I swear I'm only like this when it comes to bdsm!! ...or...am I?

So, am I a hypocrite, and in denial about my own sluttiness , or have I always been too "prude" and is the webcam thing just me expanding my horizons? It's probably all of the above, and I just have to live with it.  Even though I still have mixed feelings about my sluttiness.

(Again, feel free to comment on any of this - even though this entry is just me being silly and overly introspective)

Jealousy

I'm a jealous person. I envy pretty much everyone else. Everyone always seems nicer, smarter, prettier,... than me.
Usually it doesn't bother me that much...it's just life, you know? And even if someone is "better" than me, nobody's perfect. And sometimes being envious of someone can make me more motivated to achieve my own goals. So it's not that bad.

But my jealousy also has an impact on my kink life. The latest 'incident', if I can call it that, is this. I saw a profile of a dom on recon. He said he is now the owner of a sub. I see the sub has a profile. I click on the profile. The sub has a few facepics. It takes me 2 seconds to develop a huge crush on him. He's a few years older than me, but he has such a cute face, and such a sweet look in his eyes.
So I can't help being jealous, in three different ways! Because he's so goodlooking, because he's owned by his Master, and because I'd actually like to own a boy like him as well (I might do another update about my conflicting dom/sub feelings at some point soon).
I'm still thinking of sending a message to the dom, he's still looking for boys to play with, and since the focus is on bondage, I wouldn't mind indulging in any other kinks he listed on his profile. On the other hand, I'm not sure how I would react when I see both of them together, not like I'd be mean to them but my own jealousy might prevent me from actually having any fun.

This is one of those instances where I tell myself to "shut up and get over it", but sadly, my brain keeps working, and it's not that easy to get it out of my head. This is partly why I have this blog, I write some entries just so when I push the 'publish post' button, I can clear my head of what I just wrote and move on. It's why I wrote this entry, really. This has been on my mind for a couple of days now, so now I hope I can, as they say, draw a line under it.

__________________________________________________________

There, line drawn!! (okay, I technically typed it, but it's the thought that counts, right?)

2012

I hope you will all have a good 2012!

I don't do any new years resolutions, I usually forget about them after 4 weeks or so.
I do have a couple of ideas about things to do in the near future. Nothing that exciting really, just some vague plans.
I miss what I'd like to call a "partner in crime", a friend who's also into kinky stuff, someone who I can talk with and play with. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend or anything, just someone I can have kinky fun with, without necessarily having a fixed dom/sub or master/slave dynamic. It would be nice to meet someone like that this year.

As for the blog, I'm pretty happy with the way it is now. Expect about 5-10 updates a month, also depending on how much I get to "play". Although recently I've become increasingly worried about my (and other people's) privacy, and I'll probably post less pics, and stop posting pictures of sessions with other people. I have statcounter.com running on this blog as well, and it seems people are downloading pics, especially the ones from the session with other slaves. First of all, it's not nice downloading them without asking me for permission, and secondly, I no longer have any control over the pictures when they're downloaded, some might use them on other sites, claiming it's their picture. I know that happens.

So, for future reference, if you want to download my pictures, ask me, I'll probably say yes, on the condition that they stay on your harddrive and you don't upload them on another site. Of course, I have no control over that either, so I'll have to depend on the kindness of strangers! So really, the only safe solution is to not share my pictures anymore. Besides, it's not like I'm a porn star or anything, I don't need to show off in any way. The pictures I shared so far were made by the master I was with for his and my pleasure, so we can look at the pictures and think about the good times we had. I only share them because, you know what they say, a picture says more than a thousand words. So instead of a long text-only entry about a session, I make a short entry with some text and some pictures. It's pure laziness on my part. And, okay, I admit, it's also part exhibitionism, and part narcissism. Most of my pictures are on flickr as well, and it's always nice getting comments like "oh wow that looks hot!" and "I wish that was me!", also because comments like that make me realise I'm living out (some of my) fantasies, and that I am in fact a very lucky boy.

Still blog-related:
blog views in november: 678
blog views in december: 679
+1, what an improvement! I thought it was funny. I don't really care about how many views I get, but I'm addicted to reading/interpreting stats, so I check the stats page almost daily. It's pretty interesting sometimes. Like, today I got a visit from someone who lives in Sudan, and I still get more views from Saudi Arabia than I get from Australia.  And people still mainly use Internet Explorer. C'mon people, switch to Chrome! :P

In my next update, I'm going to talk about...jealousy!

edit: you can always ask me questions through formspring: http://www.formspring.me/rauberx , I'll try to answer them as soon as possible. I always appreciate questions, comments, etc., don't be shy. In any case, thanks for reading my blog.