more (mis)adventures on the 'net.

About a week ago I decided to log into straypup again - not my favourite BDSM site but Master P asks me to be online there as he finds it easier than recon for some reason. Well, another local  'master' asked me for a body pic, and after I sent it he said "you failed the test, I only take on athletic slaves, I say you should go to the gym often".
At first I was personally insulted, but that went over rather quickly actually (he is right in a way, I am getting fat in all the wrong places, but that doesn't mean I should feel bad about myself or change my appearance to an ideal I don't actually care about - and for the record, I actually have the "ideal weight" for my height according to that BMI thing).

No, I was more upset about two things: the fact that he is quite stupid ignoring at least 90% of subs out there (they not only have to be athletic, but also no older than 30). It's okay to have preferences, but having such strict preferences means I, as an "ugly" boy, can actually get more play than him because I'm not picky about appearances.
Secondly, I had been talking to a new sub on the site, around my age, but a bit heavier than me. After a few days, he was complaining that he didn't find anyone to play with, and that he gets comments that he's too old or too fat. Guess what happened? I haven't seen him on the site in about a week. He obviously became too dispirited and demotivated to even log in to the site. That makes me sad, very sad. It's like people tell him he's not allowed to play because he's a bit heavier. How awful is that?

It's obviously not just in the BDSM world, but everywhere. Employers would much rather hire a "pretty" person (or what society considers pretty) than an "ugly" person, even if it's for work in a call center or back office or something. It's actually sheer discrimination, but no-one cares about it because it's such a subjective matter. There really is so much shallowness and fakeness in the world, it can actually make me physically sick when I think about it. Really.

Anyway, back to that 'master' - I replied "okay, well good luck finding your ideal slave!". Bitter? Nah :)

Okay, complaining is over, now for something different.

I've taken up an interest in Teen Cage's development as a sub. He still has a lot to learn really, and he can sometimes comes across as manipulating (he denies that - even though I think we all manipulate each other in a way, consciously or subconsciously), and he is a bit "high-maintenance" heh (meaning he requires a lot of attention). Now, I'm sure these are things he can overcome, as he still is very young and still has that youthful passion, drama, impatience and instability in him.

Anyway, I made a file with things I dislike about his attitude towards me and in general, a list with his 'crimes' if you want to be dramatic about it. This is something that will stay between him and me (...for now - if I see he considers this list as a game he can manipulate, I'll just publish it or pass it to another dom). You can have one example though: a few days ago he called himself stupid. I get very upset when people call themselves stupid for some reason, which is why I told him to never call himself stupid (or any other derogatory term) again. It is something very simple but I'm hoping it will have a positive effect on his attitude.

Of course, a list like that can have downsides as well. Instead of being himself, he just might make up a persona to please me - which means he might simply say what I want to hear, instead of what he really thinks. That's the worst thing that can happen really, I want him to be honest and be himself at all times, not play games with me. A list like this is pointless if the sub isn't honest.

That's all I have to say about it for now.
Another update coming soon!

From sub to dom?

I often wonder, what I am, as a sub, what kind of dom should I find? Am I a slave to a master? A boy to a daddy? A pup to a handler? Obviously there is no clear answer; I'm a bit of everything, but it would be much easier for my state of mind if I could just be one thing and one thing alone, but that's not how it works.

Another question that pops up from time to time is: what kind of dom would I be? Surprisingly, I find that much easier to answer, and I want to write down some thoughts on this. I wanted to do this since I first started talking about my dom feelings on this blog, but never could find the right words or the right opportunity, until now. I guess I had a moment of clarity or something, hah.

One thing I can say for sure is that I'm not much of a sadist. Even when I'm in "dom mode", and I watch a video of a guy being whipped or beaten, I always imagine myself in the position of the guy getting beaten. Maybe this will change over time, but right now I would say that if I hurt a sub, it would be more for his pleasure than mine. I think the exception would be an over-the-knee spanking, because that also has an element of humiliation in it (in my opinion of course). I think I would rather give a spanking or CP in general as a reward for the sub, not a punishment. Obviously pain is a good motivator, so I would still make sure my "victim" would be in some physical discomfort from time to time.

When it comes to bondage, I also can't really write a lot. I have no rope skills or anything. Obviously I would enjoy restraining a sub in one way or another, and I'm sure I would also like him struggle a bit heh. But I think I will always enjoy being tied up myself more than tying someone up.

My main theme as a dom would definitely be the D/s play, and the objectification of the sub. My thoughts on this are maybe more easily explained in a little fantasy scenario, and since Teen Caged is mostly responsible for fueling my dom feelings, I imagine him to be the sub in this scenario (though it could really be anyone else).
Or you can just consider this an alternate version of my previous story, whatever.

Story: Skin part 5

(continued from part 4)

In my last update, I said it would only be a matter of time before I got in some sort of trouble that would get me a hard punishment, and that's what happened. About three weeks in my new chastity period, I was getting seriously bored and annoyed at my cock being locked up. So I straight up asked Master Thomas if I had to be in chastity any longer. I knew it would very likely get me into trouble, but I was so annoyed and I guess angry as well. "Boy, you're getting punished for that, I told you not to complain about anything chastity related unless you're having a medical problem with it". Before I knew it, I blurted out "But I didn't complain, I just ASKED."

Story: Skin part 4

(continued from part 3-2)

After collaring me, Master Thomas told me that next weekend, we would do some "fun activities" to celebrate my collaring, including going to a fetish event and meeting up with the other boys he collared. I already met Dan but there were two I haven't met yet.

sandtrap

First of all, I'm happy everyone enjoyed the Skin story. Like I said before, it's a combination of things that already happened to me, and some fantasies that I wouldn't mind coming true :) I'm mostly surprised by the positive reactions because it's a bit "soft" compared to other stories, maybe even naive, but TSkinBoot pointed out that because it's realistic, people can more easily imagine it's them in the story. And I'm surprised because it has a lot of personal fetishes, but I guess I share them with a lot of people. I even had a little... accident while wrting/fantasising hehe. I like part 3 a lot more than the previous two, and since I'm in a writing mood, part 4 might come very soon.

On a more personal note, I'm in my usual antisocial mood, which always seems to reach its peak in August. I don't know what causes it exactly. It's not good, and my self-confidence is as low as it can be. It's like I'm too scared to show myself and talk to others. It's stupid. And then I also seem to be in a self-analytical mood when it comes to kink, re-evaluating pretty much everything, even the things I've long accepted as being part of me.
Oh well! I think summer just gives me more time to think about things like this. I have to remind myself that other people aren't nearly as obsessed about me than I am haha. In my opinion, it's always easier to accept someone else the way they are than to accept yourself.

In a couple of days I'm having a mini-holiday (going to a music festival for 3 days) so that will take my mind of things I guess.

Story: Skin part 3-2

(continued from part 3-1)

As we slowly woke up, Master Thomas ordered me in his bed, and we cuddled a bit before he kicked me out to make breakfast for him. I brought it to him on his bed, then he took a shower while I waited for him. Then finally I was allowed my breakfast: corn flakes and milk, obviously served in my dog bowl.

He wasn't in the mood for play that morning, so he did something else: he mummified me in plastic wrap on his bed. He stayed close to me in case something went wrong. Nothing did, I enjoyed it and I stayed like that for over two hours.

In the afternoon he tied me to his bed again, and blindfolded and gagged me. After a while I heard the doorbell and assumed the other boy, Dan, was there. I heard both of them talk but couldn't understand much. I could hear both guys enter the room. Soon I felt hands running over my body, playing with my nipples and tickling my feet. "A very nice boy, Sir." Master Thomas made a disapproving sound and said "well of course he is, I only pick up nice boys." Dan laughed, "Yes Sir, sorry Sir". The unfamiliar hands continued playing with my body, tickling me at times, then pinching my nipples, or softly tapping my balls. He licked my ears and nose, before stopping and asking Master "Did you come on his face? I'm tasting cum." "Yes boy, last night. Don't lick it all up now you hear!"

After a while my gag and blindfold were removed, and I could finally see the other boy. He was a hot boy in his early 20s, blue eyes, shaved head, completely naked apart from a chain around his neck and a small metal chastity device. On closer inspection I also saw he had his nipples pierced, with a small barbell in each one. It looked very cute on him. But the cutest part about him was definitely his smile when he saw me look up at him, a sort of child-like, devious smile.

Master Thomas untied me, and left us alone so we "could get to know each other a bit better". We talked a bit, sharing experiences, but soon enough lust took over and we couldn't keep our hands (or tongues) of each other. It was hot but of course it didn't lead to anything, since we were both locked in chastity. Dan was more "advanced" than me, a couple of months ago he begged Master Thomas to lock him up and keep him in chastity for at least 6 months. This was month 4, and although he sometimes regrets not being able to masturbate, overall he is happy he did it and is very grateful to Master. I very much admired his determination, and I wondered if I could ever go without orgasm for so long...it had only been two weeks and it was already driving me crazy!

We were so wrapped up in our lust towards each other that we didn't notice Master Thomas was in the room with us. After a while he spoke up: "That's quite enough! I leave you two alone for a few minutes and you are going at each other like animals. Good thing you're both in chastity. But I'll have to teach you some manners won't I?" Well, I guess we both knew something like that would happen; but even after we each had 10 painful strokes of the cane, we were happy we got to spend sometime together.

"Now then, we have some work to do don't we?" I knew this was related to getting my haircut. I was tied to a chair, and got duct tape over my mouth. Dan shaved my head (a number one) while Master took pictures.  I definitely had mixed feelings, it was a hot experience being shaved while tied up, but...my hair!! But both commented that I looked great like this, and that I now was a proper boy... but as Master said, I still wasn't a true skinhead boy, and haven't deserved wearing skinhead gear yet (a privilege Dan did have). This was just my first step towards being a proper skinhead boy.

For the rest of the day Dan and I were put in puppy gear, and it was fun. I learned a lot from Dan like this, and even though he was clearly the alpha pup, I didn't feel like I was any less than him, I was just a younger pup who still had lots to learn. Even though we mostly played amongst each other Master also got involved. He often made comments like "this house is too small for two wild pups!" but I know he enjoyed our play as well. He even gave us a pair of old sneakers of his we could sniff and play with.

That night we both got to sleep in Master's room, but in the morning we were both allowed to get into his bed to cuddle up. Then we were both told to get breakfast ready for him.

And just like the day before I was mummified again, together with Dan. Only this time I got a gasmask on for a while, and Master occasionally teased and tickled me, just like with Dan.

We had another bondage session in the afternoon. This time, Dan was tied up, gagged and blindfolded, and I could have my fun with him. And I did have a lot of fun, particularly because he's very ticklish. I knew he's probably pay me back next time I was tied up, but I was having so much fun I didn't care about that.

After a while Master stopped me, undid Dan's gag, and handcuffed me. "Now look closely boy", he said to me, "because next time it will be you lying here and suffering through this, and I want you to be prepared". He pushed his cock in Dan's mouth, and told him to suck it. He was teasing Dan verbally in a similar way he teased me earlier that weekend, telling Dan he's nothing but a cocksucker, and that he's lucky he gets to suck his Master's cock, and also that he would cum in his mouth this time. He really started fucking his mouth, pulling back a bit whenever Dan had trouble taking him, but he still went on and on, until he came in Dan's mouth. He told him not to swallow, but keep the cum in his mouth.

Then he order me over, and told me to get my tongue in Dan's mouth, until we both got an equal amount of cum in our mouths. I tried my best but it was quite hard, and quite obvious that Dan would still have the most amount of cum. With Dan still tied up, I got a beating with the cane for "not trying hard enough". The beating wasn't that hard so it was a sort of "fake" punishment, and I got a big hug afterwards anyway. And when Dan was free, that silly boy started licking my ass, right were the cane had hit.

We all cuddled up, talking about what happened this weekend, and if we should do it again. We all agreed it was a great weekend, and Dan and I got along well, so we all agreed we should definitely meet up again for some more fun.

Dan left earlier than me, so I could see him wearing his skinhead gear. He looked very hot in his cherry boots, bleachers and white Fred Perry polo. I couldn't help but ask Master Thomas permission to lick Dan's boots. "Yes boy, lick them, make them shine...Dan might be a boy, but he's allowed to wear boots, and you're not. Therefor Dan is your superior, and it's only natural that you lick his boots, like you would mine."
After a while I ended up both licking his boots and Master's feet, with Dan using his boots to push me around a bit, and to hold me down on the floor while I was licking Master's feet. It made me feel very submissive and I was in my own little subspace for a while. They kept teasing and humiliating me, I can't remember everything they said but I'm sure Master said he would introduce me to his skinhead friends simply as "boot licker" and that my job would be making sure that all of their boots are kept clean. Was he just saying that because he knew I'd find that humiliating, or would this actually happen at some point?

We had to let Dan go (unfortunately), and I put my clothes back on after a weekend of staying naked. Normally this is the point where he removes my neck chain, but now he just stood there, arms crossed, smiling at me. "Does that mean...?" He nodded, I fell to my knees to kiss his feet again, but he pulled me up, kissed me and gave me a big hug. "You're a good boy, and I want you to be my boy".

As I went home with a big smile on my face, I realised he hadn't let me cum, but the amount of fun we had more than made up for that!

(End of part 3 - continues in part 4)
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If you liked the story you should all send a thank you note to Tskin Boot, as he ordered me to write this, and partly inspired me.

Story: Skin part 3-1

(part 1, part 2)

Since my last update, I've been to Master Thomas two times. Like I said, I had to wear a CB2000 chastity device, and he took the key. He has made it clear that I lost all control over my cock, and that he will decide when (or if!) I deserve an orgasm. He said it plays an integral part in my submission to him.

The first time I was with him, he allowed me to orgasm, but only after he had given me a hard spanking, some CBT and nipple torture. In fact, he ordered me to masturbate while he was playing with my nipples. "Boy, I'm going to torture your nipples harder and harder, until you cum. So you better come quickly if you don't want to suffer too much!" The play got quite hard before I came, and it was quite a weird experience to have pain and pleasure at the same time. It didn't end there though, with one hand he continued hurting my nipples, with the other he rubbed my sensitive cockhead. It was agony! I still remember what Master Thomas said afterwards: "See boy, you love the pain. You get off on it. You're a masochist. From now on, all your orgasms will be accompanied by pain. And you will love it."

The second time, it was somewhat similar but now he had me tied up, and he was masturbating me. He told me to warn him when I was getting close, and I did. He immediately stopped. "No orgasm for you today, boy". I begged him to finish me off, even after he told me to shut up. He ended up gagging me, telling me that with an attitude like that, I certainly didn't deserve an orgasm, not at that time and not in the near future.
I had so many mixed emotions. I felt like crying, I was angry at him, but at the same time, I had never felt so submissive, and I had never felt so much love for him. His power over me was growing, and I liked it.
He left me alone for about half an hour. When he came back he asked me if I cooled down a bit,  I nodded my head and he untied me. I fell to my knees in front of him and kissed his feet while thanking him. "See boy," he said while rubbing my head, "this is for your own good. I know it's not easy, but it's the only way you'll ever be a good submissive boy. You understand that don't you?" I did, and I thanked him again. It gave me a weird feeling, but I knew he was right.

It was about time that I stayed with him for a whole weekend. Luckily this came only a week later, as my horniness was driving me crazy. I had never been more than a week without orgasm ever since I started masturbating, so two weeks was a new record.
He told me what would happen that weekend: there would be lots of puppy play, and he would have another boy over to help with my 'haircut'. But no guarantee of an orgasm!

On Friday evening, I went to his place and we started our usual ritual: I come in and immediately start licking his boots, until he tells me to stop and strip. He takes away my clothes and locks a chain around my neck. This time I also had to put on the knee pads right away, as I would spend most of my weekend on my knees.
Master Thomas looked fantastic; he was wearing his black Dr. Martin 14 hole boots, and long black leather trousers with a red stripe on the side. He was not wearing a T-shirt or top of any kind, which made his look even more sexualised.

I followed him to the sofa, and he instructed me to be on my knees and elbows, and keep my head down until I got permission to move. It was a very submissive position to be in, and for me it was hard because I wanted to be close to him, but obviously he's the boss. After a (long!) while he finally ordered me to come up to him.
The first thing he did was give me my "welcome spanking" as he calls it. He didn't stop until he was satisfied with the colour of my ass (a nice glowing shade of red). Then he ordered me to lick his nipples. "Lick them, and you can bite them...not to hard, or you'll get punished. And not to soft, or you'll get punished." So basically he put me in another no-win scenario. Great! I did my best and he gave me some instructions as well, and I was happy when he eventually said "you're pretty good at this boy...I won't punish you this time..."

"In fact, since I'm in a good mood, I'll give you a reward. What do you want as a reward, boy?"
I didn't have to think long. "Can I....can I please suck your dick, Sir?"
"Why did you hesitate, boy? Is this what you really want, or are you lying to me?"
"No! I mean....Sir, please, I really want to suck your dick."
"I don't believe you boy...you'll have to work harder to convince me. Tell me that you're a cocksucker, tell me how much you want to suck my cock."
The next few minutes were thoroughly embarrassing for me. I had to keep saying I'm a cocksucker, and tell him how much I love to suck cock, and how much I wanted his cock in my mouth.

He got his cock out and started playing with it. "Is this what you want, hmm
I did my best following his orders, and I was happy to see (well, mostly feel) what kind of an effect it had on him. As I followed his instructions, his dick got harder and harder and his moans of approval were like music to my ears.

It didn't take that long before he said "I'm going to cum boy, stop sucking, I want to cum on your face." And he did. When he finished shooting, there was cum in my hair, on my forehead, on my nose and on my cheeks, slowly dripping down to my chin. "Haha, that's a nice sight. Wait, I'll get my camera!" He took some pictures of me before the rubbing the cum all over my face. "Boy, you have no permission to wash your face this weekend. You will stay like this until Sunday evening, understand?" I nodded "Yes Sir."

"I'm going to make dinner, but you're going to stay in pup mode until tomorrow morning." After getting the pup attributes he lubed up my ass and inserted the doggy tail plug, and strapped the muzzle to my head. He then ordered me in a dog cage, the first time I had been in it. It wasn't that big, but it wasn't too uncomfortable to lay in sideways. Still, I hoped he allowed me to sleep outside the cage tonight.
I heard him make dinner in the kitchen, and after a while he came in the living room with two dog bowls, one had dinner (rice with spicy chicken) and the other had some lemonade. At least I got human food! I finished both bowls which got me a "good boy!" and a rub over my head. Of course I started wagging my tail like crazy.

He allowed me to sit with him (on the floor of course!) while he watched TV for the rest of the evening. He removed his boots and socks, and I stole one of his socks so I could sniff it some more. That got me a slap on my nose, but only for stealing it, as he allowed me to play with them after all. I loved smelling his feet as well, and after a while I actually fell asleep right at his feet.
He woke me up to go to bed properly. I could sleep in his room, he had a sort of big doggy pillow on which I could sleep, and I was allowed a light blanket as well. He did remove the plug and muzzle as he wanted me to have a good night's sleep, since we would have a busy day tomorrow!

(continues in part 3-2)

monthly blog talk and whining session!

Blog talk: ever since May, I've had less and less viewers...I guess I don't do enough picture updates :P But I get comments on almost every entry which is much more important to me than the number of hits I get.

Right, now I have a couple of things I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes get these "you're so lucky!" comments concerning my adventures. They make me feel a bit uncomfortable to be honest. I partly agree - I am lucky that I can have these great moments with great people. Very lucky. Of course in some ways you make your own luck - it's not like all these moments just fell into my lap and I only had to unwrap my present so to speak. Everything involved preparation, talking (a lot) to people, and a not-so-nice dose of nervousness, doubt and fear on my part.

Now, the reason why I only partly agree with the "you're so lucky" comments: these were just moments. Hours, sometimes days. But then it's over. Then I go home. Alone. And I stay alone, until I go out again. A couple of months ago, I was in a very lonely mood and expressed my feelings in a simple french phrase: "seul et solitaire, comme toujours" (which would translate to something like "alone and lonely, as always"). Usually I can handle the loneliness, but I have my bad moments.
So who do I think are the truly lucky people here? The people who have met their soulmate and are in a happy relationship. For me, that's the true meaning of happiness. Just having someone who is there, who you love, and who loves you back. That's being lucky.

Another thing that makes me a bit "unlucky" if I can use that word, is that the people I care about the most live so far away from me. In theory, J (and London in general) is only about 4 or 5 hours away from me. But the trip always costs me quite a bit of money, otherwise I'd probably try to go at least once a month (until they get bored of me heh). It's not just J I want to see but also people that live even further away; I definitely want to spend some more time with TSkinBoot, both as a boi to him and as a friend, and I really want to meet up with Kaz at some point.


Something else. A while ago my little brother (Teen Caged) asked me about J, how I feel about him, how I feel about him having a boyfriend, etc. I don't think I gave him a good answer to any of his questions, also because I wasn't quite sure about my feelings.
Now that I met up with J again, some things have definitely become more clearer. I have to admit I did really have a crush on J, and looking back at it it's pretty easy to analyse. It definitely reached its peak the last 2 days I was him (in April). The visit to Master I was probably the highlight, and the day after was the lowest point heh. I was so incredibly disappointed in myself that I didn't let him fuck me, and I felt like a complete failure when I went back home. I felt really bad about it for days because I felt like I let him down. Part of me even wanted to break contact with him.
But all that just made me realise how deeply I cared about him - if I didn't I wouldn't have such strong feelings towards him. Anyway, after a while things went back to normal and now, especially after the second visit, I consider him to be a very very good friend. I don't have to pretend around him, he just accepts me for who I am ...a very quiet boy and a sub that has a lot to learn! (And as for the fucking - I think it was a good decision not to do it, it felt too rushed and I don't think I would've enjoyed it at that moment anyway. I definitely wasn't relaxed enough.)

And about his boyfriend: at first it was a bit awkward for me to be in a household like that, and for some time I wasn't really sure if he liked me being there. Which is something I definitely understand, J was obviously giving me quite a lot of attention, maybe attention that his boyfriend would've probably got instead. But I got the feeling he warmed up to me towards the end of my first stay. When I visited in July, I felt very welcome. I think I actually spent more time with him than with J! And I may or may not have a little crush on him hehe. He is a very hot boy, and has a very caring personality as well.... See, the first time I was jealous of him because J was his boyfriend, but this time I was jealous of J for having a boyfriend like that lol. But really, they are such a nice couple, it's so cute to see them cuddled up together watching tv. I mean, I'm pretty cynical when it comes to things like love (it's nothing more than a chemical reaction in your brain!), and I have all but given up on finding my 'soulmate' (another concept I only half believe in), but when I see them together... yeah, maybe there is hope.

I thought long and hard about this entry - I actually started writing it on the 27th of July - because it's very personal and I wasn't sure if I should just put all these thoughts out in the open. But I'm going to publish it anyway. Some of these thoughts have been circling around in my head for weeks now, I really needed to let them out.

Anyway, as for the next few updates: I've been thinking of doing another entry about the music I like, and some people have kindly asked me to continue my 'Skin' story...I guess I have work to do :)