session with Master R: the swimmer

Master R contacted me a few days ago, saying he's going to be out of the country by the end of this week and won't be back until mid-April. So if I wanted another punishment before that, I had to present myself this Monday evening.

As I came in, he got a text from Peter, a boy I've been trying to meet up with for quite some time. Master R asked if it was okay to involve him in our game, because he had the evening planned for me alone. I wanted to meet Peter, so I agreed. Peter would be with us in 15 minutes.

In the meantime, I had to undress, and I was put in leather handcuffs that were locked behind my back. I was spanked and paddled. Quite hard, I felt my ass would be red in no time. He also played with my nipples, again quite hard.

We heard the doorbell, and Master R ordered me to get down on my knees, facing away from the door. As Peter stripped, Master R took me over his knee and spanked me again (something he told he would do at the start of the session, he knows I get off on this kind of "humiliation").

The rest of the session was really more sex-focused. I had to suck off Peter, then we both had to please the master by sucking his nipples and dick, and then we were put in  69 position. I was on top and Master R also whipped my back for a bit. After a while I was ordered to masturbate Peter until he came. Which didn't take long heh. It was a pretty hot scene though, I was working on his dick while Master R was forcing Pete to suck his dick. At one point Peter asks "can I please cum Master?" "Yes, and you're going to cum with my dick in your mouth!" And so he did.

Peter had to go, apologising several times for not being able to stay longer - he's such a cute and polite boy heh. Well, Master R was very horny after that little scene, so it was my job to make him cum. I enjoyed doing it this time, I was actually quite proud I managed to finish them both off.

I wish there was some more bondage and cp in this session, but I'm still glad I met Peter - even though he ruined my session!! He's a really nice and cute guy, someone you can take home to your mother heh. I hope I get to play with him again. I don't think I left a good impression though, I was already a sweaty mess when he arrived, and when he sucked my dick I couldn't get hard at all. Oh well.

As far as I remember I was never hard during the second part of the session - again proof that I only really get off on bondage and cp and the like. But unlike that session with Master W, I wasn't bored at all now, I can honestly say I enjoyed it. Maybe not in a physical-sexual way, but in a mental-sexual way. If that makes any sense. Okay it doesn't. Well, since a couple of sessions, and especially after the "slave of slaves" session, I really enjoy pleasing Master R in any way I can. It's something I can't explain rationally, so I won't even try. And as for Peter, well, like I said, he's a cute guy and I really liked playing with him.

Next session won't be until mid to late April - but in the meantime I have a little 'study trip' to London :)

Experiments and expeditions

I could say some more things about my previous entry...but I won't! I just needed to vent really.
Also, thanks for the comments, I really appreciate the support I get from people, not just here on the blog but on twitter and recon as well. Why are you guys so nice?

I've been a bit naughty lately and did a little experiment. I deleted all my pics on straypup, and uploaded my best one: a picture from my last session with Master R, but in black and white. I wanted to see how much more attention that would give me compared to my 'normal' pictures.
And the experiment was a great success. A lot of winks (those are straypup's version of cruises on recon), and three "want to play?" messages. One of them asked me for a body pic, and after looking I found a suitable one with me in all my babyfat glory. His reply: "Sorry, but you're not what I'm looking for." Ha! I felt bad about it for about 5 seconds, and then decided my experiment was a success. I deleted the picture again.
I know, it's a profile site, and the first thing you do is look at pictures, but surely BDSM should be more than just trying to get the hottest guy with the biggest dick in your bedroom? I could write a whole entry about this, but...it's not worth it really. The only thing I know is, if I was that shallow, this blog wouldn't have session reports... only entries in which I complain about not being able to find a hot dom.

Anyway, I think it's finally time to talk about the 'big news'. In early April, I'm going to London to meet Sir J....and I'm going to stay with him for a week. Scary. Exciting. Really looking forward to it.
We've been talking for almost 2 months now, and even though he started out being more of a mentor, after the amount we talked to each other it's very hard not to see him as a friend. A very perverted friend...but a nice guy as well. We have similar views on a lot of things, but then I think it's pretty much impossible not to get along with him heh.
In that way, I think it's going to be weird for me to submit to him. Because now I'll submit to him out of friendship, and not just as some way to get my kicks. We've talked about a couple of things we can do...I'm actually very excited about doing pup play, the more I think about it, the more I'm absolutely convinced that I'll love it.

I'll be in London from the 5th of April until the 12th so if anyone wants to meet up for a drink or whatever... but you should check with Sir J first (joept on recon). He does all the planning, I just have to be a good boy and follow him :)

the (non)sex entry

Okay, this entry is one of those long personal entries in which I just need to get something off my chest, and it  will probably not make much sense, so feel free to skip.

Let's begin with what happened last week. Like I send in my 'review', the session with Master W was for the most part high on (oral) sex and low on actual bondage/BDSM. In my review I said I didn't really seem to be in the mood, but I should actually say that it bored me. It didn't help that Master W acted more like a porn director than a bdsm-master during that part.

Another thing is my reaction to what I see on my tumblr feed lately. Guys having sex with each other? Meh. Naked guy wearing a collar and kneeling at the feet of another guy? Super-hot!! (or as some of my fellow internet geeks would say: insta-boner!!)

It made me think.

When I first went on the internet, about 10 years ago, and people asked me about my sexuality, I told them I was bi-asexual. I thought that was pretty clever of me, since I had fallen in love with people of both genders, and I didn't really consider sex to be important to me. I was still a virgin back then...
Since then I've had sex with people of both genders, and I'd still say bi-asexual isn't really a bad term, despite a lot of people trying to categorise me under the gay label (more about that later). It's not that I can't enjoy sex, I just don't really feel the need for it. I do feel the need for intimacy, but that's something completely different than sex for me.

"But rauber", I hear you think, "in your session reports, you talk about sucking cock like it's the best thing ever! Are you a hypocrite, a liar or just very messed up in the head?" Good question! Mostly the latter. But let me explain. For me, serving someone orally is part of the session, and it's part of my submission during that session. It's a way of actively expressing my submission to my master. If I am in that right headspace, I do love sucking dick. It makes me more submissive, it makes me feel like a dirty slut (in the best possible way), and when Master R says things like "yeah, that's what your slave-mouth is for...pleasuring your Master!"...it just drives me insane (again, in the best possible way).
See, it's all about the context for me. Last year I had a session with Master R where I masturbated him after a session, and that just felt wrong to me, and didn't bring me any joy at all. You can read a few words about it here. So in a way, the session last week just confirmed some of these feelings. My journey is a learning process, and I guess I really did learn something important.

Since I generally have so little interest in other people's sex organs, I'm really feeling quite isolated in the BDSM community. Sites like recon in particular don't really help, it's like pretty much everyone there is just looking for sex. Kinky sex maybe, but still sex as main goal. I think I only ever had about 3 contacts that put bondage and/or submission first. I actually got a message from someone yesterday. "Good to see there are people who love bondage on this site". I replied "Looks like there are so many people who only really want sex here...me, I'm 100% into bondage". He agreed with me and said I'm an inspiration, hah.

Most people - pretty much everyone I've met in the kinky scene - just automatically classify me as gay. Not without reason of course - what else am I doing on a gay profile site like recon? So I'm having a really hard time making people believe I'm really not looking for sex. It's like I almost hear them thinking "Not looking for sex? Right..." Actually, I had this feeling since the start of my journey, and it's getting pretty tiring. Some examples:
(my first ever bdsm session) So this was really your first ever session? Right...
(my first time with a guy) So this was really the first time you slept with a guy? Right...
I don't know why I would lie about that honestly.

Anyway, why I'm mentioning all this - yesterday, Sir J and me were talking, and I asked him a couple of sex and sexuality-related questions with this entry in mind. He first surprised me by asking if we should put sex as a limit when we meet up, which I thought was very thoughtful and um, sort of cute heh. When I said I wanted to be trained anally, with as goal him fucking me, and that this would be an experiment for me, he said "you mean you've never been fucked?" Well, at that point, I lost it, and started crying. I had what I wrote above in my mind (the "right..." bit), and I was honestly half expecting him to also have that same reaction (he didn't, of course).

It wasn't just that, but a whole lot of things that were on my mind that day. It wasn't made better by that faker dude I already mentioned on this blog, who had contacted both of us (seperately!) some time ago, but keeps deleting his profile. Well, under Sir J's supervision, we made arrangements to meet up again, telling him it was his last chance etc. etc.... of course, in the end, he got scared again. I wasted 3 hours of my evening talking to him - all that time was completely pointless. So frustrating. And I'm not going to spend more time talking about him - until I see him face to face, he's not worth it.
So I was upset about that, and the previous things I wrote about, and things I'll probably never write about here, I suppose I just had to let it all out. That really doesn't happen a lot. I've been ill in the past week and that somehow always makes me more emotional as well for some reason. In any case, I'm happier and more positive now, so it was good to let it all out I guess.

So, to summarise: I get turned on by bondage and BDSM. Actual sex, not so much. My sexuality is weird. And a touchy subject. Did I really need a 1000 or so words to explain that?

Next entry: less whining (but still a fair amount) , more fun stuff.

one year of sessions + blog talk

I had my first ever BDSM session around this time last year, you can read about it here. Ah, how deliciously naive I was heh. I still remember it well, how incredibly nervous I was, but also how horny I got when he put the blindfold on and locked my arms behind my back... and I thought: "this is it. It's happening. Your fantasies are becoming real". It felt great, being tied up felt like some kind of release, like I could let go of any doubts I had.

That was also the first time another man played with my body and masturbated me. I obviously enjoyed that as well, and since then I've grown into quite the cocksucker I guess. I mean, I'm probably really bad at it (I suck, ahaha! ...yeah that was lame), but I can't deny I like doing it.

I'm also lucky I got to meet some great doms/masters on my journey so far, both online and in real-life. Master R has been my main 'trainer' of sorts, I'm always excited when he orders me to come over for a session. He is always pushing my limits in one way or another, and I know he cares about me a great deal. The hug and the "good boy" at the end of a session are just as important to me as the play itself really.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say with all this: anyone who's interested in BDSM and is too scared to meet up with someone...don't be!! BDSMers are perverts, yes, but they're also nice people (in general). Try to find someone you're comfortable with, or go to a munch or a beginner's evening in a BDSM club... plenty of possibilities. Nothing to be afraid of.
The hardest part really is taking that first step...once you get past your initial worries and doubts, you can enjoy, and experiment, and do anything you want. Then you'll be free. There is no shame in being a beginner in the BDSM world...but it would be a shame if you never get to experience some of your fantasies in real life. To paraphrase a famous advertising campaign: just do it!

I'll stop talking about this now before things get too mushy!

Blog talk:
February was a short(er) month, but I never had this many views on my blog, and it's quite a big difference compared to last month. I have to thank everyone who put me on their blog list, I really get most of my views from that. And, of course, I always get a crazy amount of views when I do a session report with one or more pictures. In the the three days after the "100% slave" post, I got over 350 views, which is about half of the amount of views I got in January. Crazy. You're all dirty perverts, you know :P
But seriously, thanks for reading my blog, hope you enjoy it, feel free to comment, ask questions, etc.
I'm pretty happy with the way my blog is now; I think it's a good mix of session reports and some random rants that are typical for blogs I guess. I still do this blog mainly for myself, so I'm not going to apologise for entries like that :)

And maybe a few words about my writing style: if some of my entries look like they've been written different people at different times, well, that's not far from the truth actually. I have a very chaotic mind, especially when it comes to creative things (I consider blog writing a form a creativity...). I wouldn't have it any other way though, it's...kind of fun actually. Many times I start an entry with what eventually becomes the middle or ending of the entry, and for me it's fun trying to glue everything together so it more or less looks like a coherent entry.

This entry, for example, was started the 3rd of March...the first thing I wrote wast he first 'blog talk' paragraph. Then I decided I needed to talk about how it's been one year since my first session, and since the blog talk was relatively short, I decided to put two entries into one, so I started writing the first 2 paragraphs of the 'sessions' bit.
I had a lot of trouble writing the next few paragraphs, I could never find the right words, and as with every entry, I wrote and deleted a lot of things. I guess there's a bit of a perfectionist in me as well. I sometimes even edit old entries because I don't agree with the words I used. I think 'normal' people would be able to write an entry like this in 20 minutes max, but it sort of took me 5 days to find the right words and be (relatively) happy with the result. So some entries (like this one) are hard work in a way, but I really enjoy doing them as well. I love playing with words really, especially when using other languages than my native one (English is my second language).

I didn't really mean to talk about my writing style that much - that was definitely something that went almost automatically! Also, I always seem to write my entries quite late, usually just before bed, so most of the time there are still some typing/spelling errors in it somewhere, and I'm always embarrassed when I read the entry again in the morning and find those mistakes. I should probably start writing entries when I'm still relatively 'awake'...but then the creative part of my brain usually only wakes up at night...
Anyway, I'll shut up now.

penis envy

Got an interesting comment on one of my entries, so I'd like to talk about it a bit.

"You shouldn't worry about your penis being small, it is very common for subs to have a small penis it seems, maybe it is related to our feelings of submission?"

I'd like to talk about several aspects of this. First of all, I've yet to receive a negative comment on my smallness. I guess the closest thing I got to a negative comment was in the first session with other guys, Master R ordered someone to suck my dick, and the guy (I'm pretty sure it was Luke!) said "oh, but it's so small!" I didn't talk about this to him, but I'm pretty sure he thinks it's actually cute that I'm small.

When I told Master R I'm self-concious about my smallness, he said I shouldn't worry about it, and said I acually had one of the prettiest dicks he's ever seen. I was somewhat offended by this actually, in a "don't say things you don't really mean just to be nice" way, but he said he was serious. 

Other comments were also supportive. A dom who was interested in a daddy/boy relationship told me it would actually be an advantage for me because it makes me more "boy". And the first guy I ever had sex with called it "small but cute" and said he loved watching it grow and shrink.

Anyway - despite all of that, I'm still somewhat embarrassed about it, and it's probably one of the reasons why I'm still a bit shy sexually. I try not to worry about it too much, but that's easier said than done. 

As for it being related to my submissive feelings - yes and no. I had submissive feelings long before I realised my penis is smaller than average. But I suppose when I'm in the right mood, it does help to get in a submissive mindset. I mean, it's only normal that the guy with the small penis has to serve the guy with a large(r) dick, right? 

Of course I can only speak for myself here. It's interesting to think about though, and I want to pass on the question to my readers: is your dick size an issue in your dom/sub relationship? And if you're a sub, do you have a small penis, and are your submissive feelings related to your penis size? 

In the end, I think that if you're truly a sub, your penis size shouldn't concern you, all you have to worry about is pleasing your dom/master. Again, easier said than done of course, but I think it's the best attitude you can have about this. 

"slave of slaves" and a dinner party

I talked some more with Master R about the session we had on Monday. He said it was an experiment to see if I could be a "slave of slaves" (his way of saying: a sub who serves other subs). And the experiment was a success, of course. I told him I consider it the most fun I ever had at a session, he was happy I felt that way, and said he wanted to do more sessions like this.

I haven't mentioned this, but the morning of the session, I had a sort of minor panic attack. I'm always a bit nervous/scared before a session, and sometimes think of canceling it for no real reason, but I never had it this bad. It's like I lost all my self-confidence when it came to sex and kink. It took me some time to get over it. When I was on the train on the way there, I started thinking of how I could make the session more fun for me (by being naughty, of course!), and that helped in getting rid of all my negative feelings.
So that was a weird episode, and I'm obviously very happy I didn't give in to these negative feelings. I ended up having the most fun session ever!

Master R already has an idea for a next session. He's planning to throw a little dinner party somewhere in April, just him and four of his subs, including Luke and me. The plan is that I would be the naked and collared doormanboy/waiter/cleaner/dishwasher. And when all my chores are done, I would be tied to the bed, so the guests can have their way with me. Based on my 'performance' that evening, I would get either punished or rewarded.

Sounds hot, right? Right. I've been having mixed feelings about it, to be honest. When I first heard about it, I just said "okay, sounds cool". Yesterday, I got all nervous/scared about it, similar to what I mentioned above, and thought about not doing it. Today, I woke up and thought about some possibilities for that night - and it made me hard. Master R told me to make a wishlist of things I want to do (or get done to me). Yesterday I couldn't do that at all, but this morning, I thought up two things:

- spanking warm up: since (mild) humiliation seems to be a such a turn-on for me, I'd love to get spanked at the start of the evening, in front of everyone, with me naked, while they still have their clothes on. My prefered method would be a bare-handed over-the-knee spanking. That would definitely get me in a submissive mindset, it would also make me feel like I'm a boy whose job it is to serve real men (it also helps that all the guys are older than me). I think the guys would also appreciate the fact that I'd walk around with a red behind all evening.
-the cock-tasting game: I'm on my knees and blindfolded, hands behind my back. One guy sticks his cock in my mouth, and I can lick it for a couple of seconds. Then I have to say which one of the four guys it was. If I get it right, I can suck on it for a couple of minutes. If I get it wrong, I get whipped for a couple of minutes.

If you have any ideas similar to these, let me know. I have some vague ideas about a BDSM version of strip poker, but I'd really like some more ideas from you guys. Even if you think it sounds lame, or too hard, whatever, just let me know what you think.