later...

Some very late thoughts on what happened during my recent London visit...

It was nice letting out my inner boy and not be limited by anyone or anything. Well, apart from myself maybe.  I can get somewhat negative about my own boy-being; sometimes I think it annoys people, and that my friends only tolerate it to do me a favour. I know it's not true, but, you know...
Also, I found out that this boy thing really is part of my personality, a pretty important part in fact. It's not an act or anything. Sometimes I wish it was, so I could shut it down at the appropriate times, but nope... My feelings about this are quite complex but I won't bore you with this.

I had a very, very difficult moment as a boy. It was Saturday evening, Sir came home and brought some wine for us. Well, for him and Tskin. Not for me. As a boy, I had to drink orange juice. Of course. But that first moment, I really had to bite my tongue not to swear or call Sir names. I was so annoyed. I was really really looking forward to having some wine - I don't drink much alcohol at all, but I like it so when I'm offered some I happily accept. But now I didn't even have a choice, I was a boy and had to accept what daddy decided for me hehe. I was a good boy and didn't make a fuss about it.  But damn, that was a difficult moment when I saw he poured me a glass of orange juice and not wine. It might seem like a small and stupid thing, but it really wasn't.
Afterwards, he told me it wasn't easy for him either - as a good host he wanted to offer me the wine, but the D/s aspect of giving me orange juice won out in the end :)

A few words on my visit to the Boys & Sirs event at the Hoist then. I did enjoy it, but I have to admit I got a little bored near the end. I'm too shy to socialise, and watching people getting spanked there didn't do much for me. I LOVE getting spanked, and I enjoy spanking other people to some extent, but just watching...no, I prefer to be in the action. However, when there's bondage involved, I suddenly find it a lot more interesting to watch (not to mention the fact that I really like seeing guys get tied up or restrained in the first place).  It's another reason why I prefer Fetishbound over any of the other (spanking-centric) events I went to.

I got spanked there by a man I had never met before, something that's a bit outside my normal doing, but I wanted to give it a go. He was nice to me, even chose a spot to spank me so TSkin could see me. The spanking was really quite nice, he knew what he was doing, wasn't too hard for me, it had a nice build-up, etc. In the end I was a little embarrassed when he saw my little penis and balls - "oh I like this!" was his reaction, but still. We had a little chat afterwards and he told me I should come to Boys & Sirs more often... well, if I go next time, there will be at least one person who wants to spank me I guess.
Also, my friends were teasing me that I was only "popular" because of my outfit (just a simple gym outfit, white t-shirt and black shorts), and especially because of my Marvel underwear hehehe. But the truth, of course, is that I was popular because I'm a nice boy!! :P

During my stay I also had fun entertaining another boy. Nothing too heavy, as I was a boy myself, just helping Sir out a little bit :) I liked playing with his sensitive cock and balls especially. I think the interaction between us three was pretty good. However, I couldn't help asking him - at least twice - if he was still okay, once concerning the metal restraints, and once when it looked like he was having a difficult time - not in pain, but concerning the intensity of his "torture". I felt a bit guilty about this afterwards, thinking it might have pulled him out of his headspace a bit, and also because Sir was in control here and not me. Still have a lot to learn I guess.

One aspect of Sir's play I never talked about much is the bullying; he likes pushing/slapping/punching his boys, never hard, but enough to have an impact. This is even more intense when the boy is hooded/blindfolded and tied up, as he won't know where the next hit will be, and he can't defend himself against it.
He first did this to me at a club, and I actually found it quite hard to take, not physically, but mentally. I was close to saying my safeword at some point. I suppose I was confused with this kind of play - it didn't really physically hurt me, and just because it didn't hurt me, I didn't get the point of this kind of play. It was just...uncomfortable. Obviously the point is to feel discomfort and feel like you're trapped, but then also to feel good about yourself getting through this. A mixture of relief and pride, I guess.

Lastly, I received a few comments on losing my virginity. To be honest, it's not that big a deal for me. It was a big deal that I did this with Sir, as we already had plans to do this when I came to stay with him for the first time (April last year!). I would say that actually sleeping with a guy for the first time (which in my case included a lot of cuddling, kissing, sucking, talking, and eventually sleeping!) was a much stronger experience for me. I know I'm wired a little differently from most guys when it comes to stuff like this, but yeah.
I'm not saying this was a bad experience at all, or that I'm disappointed - it wasn't, and I'm not. I want to feel him inside me again! It was also an act of submission on my part: I had already given him 99% of my body to use and abuse, but this was like the last barrier for him to have total dominance over my body, a last hiding place for me. So as a sub, it felt good giving that up for him.
I've made a few jokes about it as well, like how I gave him the precious and priceless gift of my virginity, and all I got in return was a ticket to Shrek the musical! Hardly adequate payment I say!!!

You know, I might go back to London very very soon...

London visit: the pictures

This is the bed I slept in most of the time...a real boy-bed hehe.

Two pictures from FetishBound... I like the first one because you can still (somewhat) read "bad boy". T-shirt was a gift from TSkinBoot by the way. You can also see a bit of the collar he locked on me. And on the lower picture you can see him finishing up the hogtie on me :)

More pictures on the FetishBound site - you can see them under "galleries". Plenty of hot pictures this month!
I also must say I didn't really "feel" my outfit at FB, but looking at the pictures I think I looked pretty good in that t-shirt, camos and boots hehe. The rope helps as well of course!


Now some pictures from when I was in the irons and had the tail in... a lot of fun. And in the last two pics you can see Sir's cum all over my back :O

This was on Monday afternoon, first I got spanked:

(this is my favourite picture of the bunch, daddy spanking me like I've been a naughty boy hehe.) 

Then caned:

And this is what happened after I gave the cane back to Sir and asked him to hit me again:

Then on Tuesday, I lost my precious virginity :(

Poor bottom boy!! Lost his virginity to a hairy foreigner hehehe. 

And this is what my arse looked like when I came home:

It'll probably turn more black and blue the next few days...oh well. At least it stopped hurting to to sit down!!

London visit

Friday
My journey started with a bit of a panic - there was a major railroad fuck-up and my train got to Brussels an hour and 15 minutes later than normal, which meant I just missed the Eurostar I was supposed to be on. Explained the situation at the Eurostar desk - two minutes later everything was sorted, there was still room on the next one, no extra charge or anything! I feared I wouldn't get to London that evening, but since I was only a hour later I still had enough time to make it to FetishBound.

Met up with TSkinBoot and Smse14 there (and saw many people I knew from twitter and other places that night). TSkin put a collar on me when I got there and didn't waste a lot of time putting me in bondage - after a while I was nicely hogtied on the floor. The place was getting more crowded and it was pretty surreal to be tied and hooded on the floor while hearing voices from other people all around and above you. A weird sort of isolation, but then not really, you know? Great experience.
Did lots more that evening; boot licking (of course), paddling someone (great fun, want to do it again hehe), foot-tickling a super sensitive guy, and watching other people getting tied up (and even chained up!) and played with in many many ways.
I've said it plenty of times already, but FetishBound really is a great event. Dave and Paul (the organisers) are great guys and it's really such a friendly environment, it's such a nice place for new/shy people. Some other events are all "look how exclusive and special and awesome we are!!" but this is really a down-to-earth, attitude-free, small scale, family event really heh.

Went to Joept's house after FB, where I got a warm welcome, and a little bit of play before bed. I was allowed to smell his crotch, but also got my nipples and balls hurt. I made the mistake of telling him I was in a bit of a top mood... he made sure I knew my place for the rest of my stay there.
I got a bit of a surprise when he showed me my bed... it had Cars sheets!!! So I was really going to sleep in a boy-bed hehe. Such a shame I didn't have boy-pyjamas... something for next time maybe!

Saturday
Before he went to work, Joept - I mean Sir! - let me try out his new metal restraints. The ankle and wrist restraints were the most fun I think... also because he tortured my nipples and cock a bit, and demonstrated what it would be like getting fucked in these restraints. I was very very horny and would have probably cum if it was allowed, but he had to go to work sadly. Got a quick but hard spanking as well.

In the afternoon I met up with TSkinBoot and Smse14 again, this time at the Hoist for Boys and Sirs (a spanking event). First time at the Hoist for me. I was wearing a gym outfit (just black shorts and a white t-shirt really) and my Marvel underwear. I got spanked...3 times I think? An over-the-lap spanking by TSkin, another one by a nice elderly gentleman, and I got paddled by Smse14. I had a very sore bum at the end! But it was fun for me. Actually socialised a little bit - not my thing normally hehe, but this one boy was just too hot, and Smse14 got to spank him, the lucky lad!

Smse14 drove Tskin and me to Joept's place, and we had a quiet night in. We could have gone to Collared but then we wouldn't have a ride back, so yeah. We were just a bit lazy I guess hehe.
Still had to "perform" in a way, needed to show both Sir and Boss that I'm a good boy! I was humiliated in various ways... like bending over and showing my arse to everyone, and also show my shaved groin. That was probably the most humiliating for me, showing everyone my little boy penis :(
Best/funniest bit is when I had to get TSkin's paddle, and declare my love for it. Had to say "I love you" and kiss it. This left with a serious case of the giggles. I just couldn't stop laughing at how silly this all was. Of course the evil people made me say it even more!
Anyway, it was a nice evening, and really nice to have both Sir and Boss together, I hope we can have more moments like that. TSkin was also friendly enough to give me my before-bed-beating hehe.

Sunday
It was a bit of weird day - I slept very little that night, so I felt very tired, but even when trying to take a nap I couldn't really sleep. I took TSkin to the station, tried to nap a bit, failed, had lunch (at 3PM) and watched a DVD and some TV. Tried to do a little nap, again couldn't sleep but felt more rested.
It would have been a bit of a lost day, but that night a boy came over to be played with...he was a very hot boy, very nervous, very sensitive... We had fun with him for an hour or two, but he was very tense throughout the session and I'm not sure he enjoyed it too much. I liked assisting Sir, and it was also interesting to see how he handles a newbie. I might write some more about this in another entry.
After the boy left, Sir had more fun with me. He put me in irons and I had to wear the puppy tail... had to wiggle it around to show that I was enjoying myself...since he tied the plug to me it couldn't fall out. I could move it around as much as I wanted to. Moving it back and forward proved to be the most interesting hehe. Sir was very horny and came all over my back...
It ended up being 2AM by the time we went to bed.

Monday
Some short play in the afternoon... a nice spanking followed by a mean caning :( I felt very submissive and wanted to make Sir proud, so I asked for more...which he gladly gave me. I also asked him to fuck me before I went back home... Also his very evil boyfriend tried to get Sir to punish me even more, telling him I said he was being far too easy on me, stuff like that. Eviiill!! Although, to be honest, I did have the feeling I could take even more...
Met up with Joept's "big brother" and after visiting a little gay art gallery we (Sir, his boyfriend, his big bro and me) went to see Shrek the musical...it was fun. Before, during and after I was mostly in little boy mode (despite going to a pub and having some alcohol!). I always get the feeling I'm annoying people when I'm in boy-mode, but apparently I wasn't annoying anyone that time, so... it was a nice night out.

After having something to eat back home, I thought we would have a quiet night, but Sir decided otherwise...  tried the pup tail again but couldn't keep it in, had to suck his cock, and eventually I was ordered to cum... it took me a little while but I came eventually, hadn't cum in 7 days. Although it was a confusing cum in a way hehe. As you know I was (and still am) not allowed to cum without a dildo or plug inside me, and I didn't have one in me at that time, but Sir ordered me to cum anyway...so either way I would end up breaking an order: if I didn't cum, I would be punished for not following a direct order, but if I did cum, it meant I disobeyed the order of having something inside my arse when I cum. So it was a lose-lose scenario hehe. Play like this puts me in a very submissive mindset and turns me on immensely, and was probably the reason why I came eventually.

Tuesday
That morning I heard some um, suspicious noises coming from the master bedroom... a taste of things to come? After coming out of the room, Sir asked me again if I really wanted to be fucked. I had to be honest and say my desire for it was lessened a bit after cumming the day before, but I still wanted to go through with it.
We started with me having to lower myself on his cock, at my own pace. Then we did some different positions. I quite liked the position with me on my back and my legs over his shoulders. He didn't really fuck me, at least not hard or long. After a while my arse seemed to get tired of the action, and I somehow couldn't really relax anymore.
It was a fun experience, though it was more or less like I expected it to be, and it didn't change my mind when it comes to all things anal. I still prefer getting restrained and tortured to any anal play (yes yes I know I can have both...) I also wouldn't have done this with anyone else but Joept; he is my friend, I trust him, and I feel good and can relax with him. This wouldn't have worked with anyone but him. I guess another reason I went through with it is that I wanted to make my Sir proud, and that he wouldn't think of me as a wimpy boy hehe.

Of course now that I lost my virginity I can no longer say I'm an innocent straight boy... then again, maybe I just accidentally fell on his cock, you know? Things like this happen you know.

Anyway, took a shower, got clothed and got my bag ready to go back home. I still had half an hour left and was offered some ice cream, but I said I'd rather spend some time in the irons again hehe. Yes that was naughty of me, but it was a request as a friend and not as a sub, okay? :P It was fun being in them in my normal clothes really. After I was released I had to stay on the floor, flat on my back, and I saw Joept wanking over me...he told me he would cum all over my clothes and send me home like that, so people could see what a pervert I am!!!! I begged him not to, and that he could cum in my mouth instead, but he didn't listen... in the end he just lifted my polo shirt and came on my chest. He allowed me to beg for a towel to clean it off...but I didn't hehe. I thought it was a very hot idea to carry his cum through three countries all the way home.

Well, made it home safely, and that was that. It was a really really really really fun London visit, I would say the best so far. I didn't stay too long and had fun every single day. I felt very relaxed and happy throughout, and came home with a lot of good memories (and a bruised behind!!)

I'll put a post with pictures up soon, and then maybe later another entry with some more thoughts on my stay.

blog talk - preparing for London

I promised to do some blog talk but I'll make it quick. I started following a few new blogs in recent months, check out my blog list (should be in the lower left corner for most people). And again thank you to the people who put me on their blog list, really appreciate that as the vast majority of my traffic comes from links on other blogs. Don't be shy to leave a comment, I always respond, sooner or later...

The last two months, views on my blog almost doubled. I knew my "fetish of the week" posts would very likely attract some more attention, but I didn't expect this. I'm still not sure I'll do another series, it somewhat goes against my aim to keep this a small-scale, personal blog. And I'd rather have more comments than more views hehe.
I also started using Google Analytics on this blog. As you know I'm a stats freak, and it's pretty good. I love going over all the search terms in Google that lead people to my blog, some really funny (and sad!) ones. I might talk more about this in another entry later this year.

I still have some mixed feelings about my last entry actually, sometimes I feel like I'm making my entries too personal and leave myself open and vulnerable. And I know my view on BDSM isn't really a popular one...
On the other hand, maybe some things I write make people think, and is it really so bad to hear another opinion? There is no "right" way anyway, there isn't this One Truth that everyone has to abide to. If I'm allowed to give one piece of advice it would be to make up your own mind, and don't just follow the rules of the majority simply because they are the majority. Think for yourself.

Anyway...

Dildo training has been going well, I'm getting used to it in a way. And even enjoying it, yes, sometimes. It's become a bit of a habit and I might continue doing it even if I'm not ordered to. Need to buy more lube in that case though!

Leaving for London soon! As always I'm nervous. Traveling to another country by train (even though it's really easy), meeting up with familiar faces and new people... Not to mention that I haven't done anything kinky with other people since...hmm...November? Or even before that. So it'll probably feel very weird at first. Still, FetishBound is a nice event with nice people. Then on Saturday TSkinBoot is taking me to Boys & Sirs at The Hoist. He said he's going to punish me there... I have no idea why, I've been such a good boy recently!!
At FetishBound I'll be wearing my "dom" outfit (boots and urban camo trousers), I don't really expect to top anyone, but if anyone there wants to lick my boots I won't deny that little pleasure hehehe. At Boys & Sirs I'll (obviously) be a boy, and TSkin suggested wearing a school gym outfit... so that's just going to be black shorts, a white t-shirt and my daily sneakers.

Joept has also given me some instructions: I can't bring any underwear again (though I can bring a jockstrap he gifted to me - after some begging, and I'll probably have to pay in one way or another for the privilege), and after being a bit cheeky about it, he ordered me to shave my chest, belly and groin. He gave me a good reason (men get beaten harder than boys, so it's better to look like a boy!), but I must say I don't like the look. I somewhat like the feeling it gives me: vulnerable, and sort of "small", but I don't like the look. I feel it somehow makes me look more fat, unattractively fat. But you know, being a boy I should listen to adults (and especially daddy) when they tell me to do something, so I did shave today.

I hope I'll get some pictures from my London bondage adventures this time, I'd like to have some new ones on my recon profile (most are from April 2012 and older), and it's always good to have a visual reminder of the fun I had.
In any case, expect a blog entry after (or even during) my stay.

enablers - identity - being a boy

When you start out in the BDSM world, it's important to find like-minded people, and not be distracted by people who only want you to do what they want while ignoring your needs. You need enablers, people who are willing to go along with your wishes and needs (as long as they get pleasure from it as well), and not pushers who steer you in a certain direction that might not be to your own benefit. Pushers are generally the ones who only think with their dick and are oblivious to the deeper, emotional aspects of BDSM. Enablers want you to be happy with who and what you are.
Of course it's not all black and white, I'm not saying pushers are evil, just that they are...limited in their mindset. Some people are okay with that - especially those only looking for short sessions that end in one or both parties shooting their load - but I hold the opinion there's more to BDSM than that.

Another aspect is identity - who are you, as a kinkster, and where do you fit in? It's easy to get lost in the big BDSM world, but never forget who you are and what you want, and most importantly, what makes you feel good. I don't think it's a "digital" world, in the sense that you can only love or hate something, and that you can only be one thing (of course you can be a pup-slave-pig-boy!) but it is nice to have a main kink and use that as a starting point to make contact with other people and explore further.

As for me, I'm lucky enough to have met some enablers on my journey. Won't mention everyone here - I would say pretty much everyone I've met in the past year are enablers. Master P is one of them, and I'm very grateful to him (and the "victim"!) that I was allowed to switch in a session and top a nice guy. Even though I already knew, more or less, what I would like doing as a top, it's still nice to get more experience, and feel more confident about what I want to do and what I can do.

Joept probably has been the most influential enabler. In a way, he hasn't really taught me anything new about myself; I already knew I had a pup side, a boy side, that I need to serve,... but he let me experience everything, without pressure.

As for my identity, I've been thinking about that a lot recently. As you know I like needlessly complicating things, but in the end, I must say I'm mostly a boy. It's the name and position I'm most comfortable with. Not just that but in a lot of things I really am a boy, I like Lego, videogames, and tv shows aimed at kids and teens like Buffy, Xena and The Sarah Jane Adventures (it's better than Doctor Who I tell you!!) Oh and I started buying Marvel comics last year.
Anyway, I've become more and more comfortable with my position as a boy, in so much that I'm saying a lot of boy things on twitter (some people seem to be amused by it...). It's not like I have to think about it, it just comes out naturally.

But that's just the outer shell of being a boy. As a boy, what I want the most is the love and affection of a caretaker or guardian. A Sir or a daddy, someone who loves me, looks over me, guides me, and of course disciplines me when necessary. I think this is really my deepest need, a feeling that's far stronger than anything else. Obviously I have other needs as well, but this one is...special.
I haven't talked about this much I guess, mostly because it's one of those feelings that are hard to describe, and it's far easier to talk about more superficial things. And of course there are the obvious doubts: I'm too old to be a boy, doing boy things as an adult is silly, etc.

Still, I really enjoy reading blogs and experiences from other boys and their Sir/daddy. Reading them made me realise how much I have in common with the boys, and how my attitude is very boy-ish hehe. I identify with those boys a lot more than with any other sub-group.

Back to the enabling thing - Joept has definitely had a big influence on accepting my boy side. Like I said before, he let me call him daddy, and I didn't find it weird or awkward at all. It puts me in my little boy headspace, and it makes me feel safe and happy. I would say one of my happiest moments so far has been when I asked him, after already having an ice cream, "daddy, can I please have another ice cream?" He said yes, because I had been such a good boy helping him carry the shopping bags. It made me super-happy in a way only a kid can be, not just because I can have another ice cream, but also because daddy said I had been a good boy. It was such a great feeling, really.

Another great moment was with TSkinBoot, the morning his train left we went for a coffee shop. He offered to get me a coffee but I said I wanted hot chocolate. I told him "boys don't drink coffee, they drink hot chocolate!" "Aah, of course!" hehehe. Moments like that make boy-me very happy.

About two years ago I talked to a guy who was interested in being my daddy. He lived too far away for anything to work, but we still had nice talks and he had some ideas I liked. He wanted a boy to take care of and educate, just like he would a son. He would keep me in chastity, and spank or discipline me when I misbehave, but other than that there wouldn't be any BDSM in our relationship. I thought that was a very interesting offer, I felt he was a genuinely nice guy who just wanted a "son" to love. It's still one of those "what if?" scenarios in the back of my head: would I have been happy in a relationship like this, or would the lack of bondage (and other fun things) frustrate me? It's pretty pointless to think about it really, but it sure was an interesting offer.

That's all I have to say about it I think. This was a bit of a weird entry I guess - too many thoughts that have stayed in my head for too long. And it's much easier to write about horny things than emotional things. Anyway, next update I'll probably do some general blog talk.