darkly dreaming rauber

I had another weird, kink-related dream. 

I was at my dad's house, with Sir J and my mother. He explained to her that he'll take care of me now, that I'll be safe and she doesn't have to worry about me. She started crying (like she always does), but Sir J continues to explain that I'm his boy now, and that she should be proud of me because I had the courage to give in to my darkest desires. 

I was embarrassed, mostly, but at the same time there was a great sense of relief, and that everything would be okay from now on. 

Sir J made me do several things, but one thing I remember is this: I had to bend over on a table, so I was in a good spanking position. Sir J said all sorts of things, like how much I would hurt, and that I'll be begging for mercy, etc.  But... he only ever lightly touched my butt. He did this several times, making me think that he'll hit me hard, but then ending up barely touching me. It was a complete mindfuck, and even though I didn't get spanked, I was still sweating, shaking and out of breath after a while. 

Then I was allowed to lie down on the sofa for a bit, but not before he attached my wrists to my collar. I closed my eyes, not because I was tired, but because I was still overwhelmed with emotions, I no longer wanted to be in that room. I wanted to block out everything. I was still feeling this weird mix of embarrassement and relief, and maybe a little bit of pride as well.

...the end!

Should I analyse this dream? You know, just for fun? Okay. It's actually a typical dream in a way, as it uses different things that I've seen/read/experienced, but my dream-mind puts everything in a blender, and then a dream like this is what comes out. Most of my dreams are like that. This one is a bit special because of a few things; I can't remember ever sweating and being out of breath in a dream, for instance. Closing my eyes and having a sort of realistic 'awareness' of my body in a dream doesn't happen very often either. Same with having emotions other than fear (when having a nightmare - although I hardly ever have nightmares nowadays). 

Regular readers might recognise some aspects of this dream; I already mentioned a few times that I'm annoyed I have to do all my kinky activities in secret, and that bdsm is still a pretty big taboo. So being 'outed'  would give me a sense of relief, I guess, but I suppose I would also be embarrassed in a "what will people think of me now?" sort of way. 

Other things in the dream are even easier to explain, but I don't really want to bore my readers with that. The 'mindfuck' is something weird though, I don't think I've ever seen anything like it, at least not in this form. And I think the presense of Sir J as opposed to other doms is because I've been talking to him a lot recently.

I now remember something else from the dream that seemed very random: while I was on the sofa, Sir J gave me a samurai sword, and told me to keep it close to me at all times, that I have to take care of it as it is now a part of me. Then later, I was on my bike, going away from my dad's house, thinking about what happened, and then suddenly remembered the sword, and that I didn't have it with me. So I had to go back. 

...I don't quite know where that came from, that's easily the most random aspect of the dream. 

That's all for now, I already talked way too much about this. Oh yeah, I noticed a lot of people on twitter (at least...5!) complaining about having really weird dreams or awful nightmares last night. Strange. Something for the X-Files, perhaps? :) 

future prospects

Got an interesting offer from Master R today. This is what's going to happen: 

Next Monday, Luke is going to do some stuff on Master R's PC (he got a new one, and isn't used to Windows 7, and Luke is a computer expert apparently). He'll be doing this naked. I'll be there as well, naked, on my knees. Every time Luke finishes a task, I'll be forced to 'reward' him. You know what that means. When the PC work is done, we'll both get tied up, whipped, etc. 

Sound great, in theory. I hope it all goes well, I know how annoying PCs can be and I don't want to stay on my knees for 2 or 3 hours! I also asked if I could punish Luke if he did something wrong. Luke agreed, said it works both ways, so now I'm secretly hoping something will go wrong so I can spank him heh. 

I'm quite excited about the scene, and the idea behind it. I'm not sure if it's his intention, but it's like Master R is using me as 'currency': he pays Luke for his work by making me sexually please him. He's whoring me out, basically. Which is cool :) Although I wouldn't do this with a stranger though...or would I? 

As a 'bonus', Master R ordered us not to cum until then. That's 5 days (and nights!) without cumming! It's not like I've never done that before, but in the last couple of months I've never gone without orgasm for longer than 3 days. And that was an exception, nowadays I cum every day or every other day. But because I'm such a naughty boy, this period of denial might be good for me. 

Speaking of being a naughty boy - these dominant feelings that started popping up in January aren't going away, quite the opposite. I already thought up several scenarios I can do in real-life, and it felt like the most natural thing, like I've been thinking about this for years. And a lot of times I when I was reading blogs or bdsm experiences, I thought "well, if I was a dom, I would do it like this" (with 'this' being a way different than what I read - not a criticism, but what my personal approach would be). I should probably write down some of these thoughts for myself, not that I'll be using them right away, but it might be fun to read in a couple of years. Maybe by then I'll be 100% sub and laugh with all my deluded ideas I used to have when I was a free boy. Or maybe I'll have a boy of my own at my feet. Who knows? 

I've actually been quite cheeky lately - talking back and challenging several doms I talk to online. Maybe I'm having a boy's version of those days of the month... 

I never talked about this, but one of the fun fantasies I have are about role reversal; the sub becoming the dom, and the dom becoming the sub. One of the best examples on this was from a guy I found on xtube (although he no longer has his profile there I think). He is a chastised slave, but sometimes his master likes to be tied up as well. So, the slave tied up the master, but he also put a chastity device on him, and hid the key. You could tell by the master's reaction that wasn't part of their deal. Of course, in the follow up video, you see the slave tied up and whipped severly, while the master asks him to reveal the location of the key. That was really fun to watch. Of course something like this isn't always possible, and this only works with the right dynamic between two people. I think it's fun to think about though :)

(I have more thoughts on sub/dom and slave/master relationships, but I'll save them for another entry)

A couple of entries ago I mentioned Sir J, a London dom who I'm planning to meet this April. Well...I actually told him about this journal and gave him the link. I usually never give the link to people I met or might meet. I guess I'm a bit embarrassed about a couple of things I write about here, plus, I sort of think it's unfair that I have a blog in which I talk about quite a few personal things, while I know very little of their feelings and thoughts. It's one-way traffic basically. 

But I'm happy I shared it. If I was a dom (...) I'd love to read the journal/blog of a sub I'm about to meet up with. Sometimes it's easier to write about things at random (like in a blog) than to bring them up in a conversation. For me anyway. But I'm going to write about this some other time, this entry is already too long. 

Sunday links

I have nothing new to report. I kept my weekend free so I could have a kinky date, but the two people I asked weren't available after all. I realised I won't have many weekends like this in the coming months, so it's a shame I couldn't meet anyone now. But I'm not going to complain, I realise I actually get to play more than most people!

I'm getting pretty bored with tumblr now, but there are a couple of good, non-porn kinky tumblrs as well. One of my favourites is http://kazukiwolf.tumblr.com/. Some good bondage pictures and videos, and judging by his twitter, he's a pretty funny, geeky guy, always a plus heh. This is one of my favourite videos of him, I love how his master teases him.
I'm actually getting bored of twitter as well, seems like half of my timeline consists of tumblr links, and there's always plenty of gay drama I could do without. I should just unfollow a couple of people, but I'm just too nice :)

Okay, here are some links for you:
"The Jester Imp and his mummified man": hilarious xtube video, not least for the "rubber fart" at around 2:06. I actually quite like roleplay like this, and part of the reason is that the sub actually talks back and makes fun of the "imp". I love that kind of dynamic between sub and dom. For me that's proof that they're really doing this for fun, nothing else.

"Gaywargames.com". I quite like this site, even though I'd like it even more if there was more focus on bondage and bdsm rather than humiliation and sex. Still, there are some good scenes in some of the videos. You can preview the videos in the blog section.
(bonus: the intro video on the site has music from Red Alert 2, a strategy game on PC, I love that series)

I think I found the link to both of those on Ruff's Stuff blog , worth following, plenty of updates every day and a big variety of kinks.

Okay, that's it for now. Unless something interesting happens, next update might only be in a week or two.

session with another sub 8 feb. 2012

Master R organised another session with multiple subs. Out of the nine he invited, 2 people (including me) said yes, 2 said "maybe". Guess how many eventually showed up?

Yes, just me and another guy, someone I already played with (he sucked my dick in the last session - and since only 3 people have ever had my dick in their mouth, that means we have a connection! heh). Well, that just means the two of us would get more attention...and we did of course.

This time, Master R gave us a white t-shirt and briefs to wear. I know what that meant (and you'll see it on the pictures later). The floor was quite cold so we kept our socks on. Yes, now you know the reason why I practically always have socks on during sessions: it's not a fetish, it's something practical. Of course it's not "pretty", but this is real life, not porn.

Anyway. Just like last time, I was tied to a pole, left to watch how Master R spanked and whipped the other sub (let's call him Luke for now). Being somewhat of a sadist as well, I quite enjoyed seeing him suffer...and I also knew it would be my turn after this. At first I was quite surprised at how "hard" this looked, but when it was my turn, I'd say it was less hard than the session last week.
Later, Master R made holes in our t-shirt around the nipple area, and we were forced to suck each others nipples. We still got whipped from time to time, but not really hard.

Of course, we had to pleasure the Master as well. We had to suck his nipples first, and take turns sucking his dick. Later in the session we had to do this again, only at some point, he ordered us to suck his nipples while he masturbated. That was a sign for Luke and I to suck his nipples even harder. Didn't take him long to cum. He went away for a minute or two to clean himself up...since we were still on our knees, blindedfolded and with our hands behind us, Luke and I seized the opportunity to explore each other a bit, we kissed until he came back. Of course he faked not being happy with this, but it just made me laugh. I was kind of hoping to get punished for this, but we didn't heh.

Another part of the session was about one slave pleasing the other slave. I got hooked to the cross, while Luke sucked my dick and Master R had his hands all over my body. Then it was Luke's turn, with me sucking his dick. Neither of us came, actually. In the whole session I only got hard at the very end, and was actually close to cumming, but then suddenly my dickhead became super-sensitive again, and my erection went away, even though Luke gave it his best. I did even worse I guess, since I couldn't even get Luke hard. I did have fun pulling his foreskin and kissing and sucking his dickhead, it was obviously very sensitive for him as well, and he kept trying to pull away...of course he wasn't going anywhere, so I could continue torturing him :)

Anyway, despite Luke and I not cumming (let's blame the cold weather for this!), it was good session, I had fun. I quite liked the fact that it was just me and Luke. It was a very relaxed session, no time pressure or anything, just some guys having fun.
These sessions are always very sexual of course, and while I think bdsm and sex are two seperate things and don't always need to go together to have fun, I don't mind a session like this from time to time. Once every month or two is more than enough for me.

I guess I can show you some pictures:

Master R, with his new leather shorts and jacket. Quality stuff. Crazy expensive.
There are plenty more pictures, but I'm not showing them because I look horrible :)

Oh yeah, some things about Luke: he's already been to every Master I've been to (not hard, I only ever went to 3 in total), AND he also went to Bondissimo, and there are some videos of him on the site. I only found out about this because I saw a pic with a Bondissimo tag on Luke's profile, and asked him if he was a good Master. Obviously he said yes, we talked some more about it, and now we're going to try to go to Bondissimo together. Maybe at the end of this month, or the beginning of March. Yay!

rauber: what's in a name?

Some blog talk first: I got a lot more blog visits in January than I did in December. It's good to see that most visits come from links on other blogs (thanks to everyone who put me on their blog list!) and the "blogs I'm following" list. Looking at the more detailed statcounter.com stats, it seems like I'm getting more and more regular readers. I guess I'm doing something right...right? Also, I'm getting a lot of views in recent days, twice as many as normal really. I guess because I did a post with pictures again, but also because @DarkSunny69 retweeted the link to my blog. You can read his blog here: http://erectionary.blogspot.com/
Again, if you have any comments about my blog, about the content or form, negative or positive, or just want to tell me to shut up: feel free to write a comment. I have this formspring thing as well, feel free to ask me questions on that as well.

So, my name. What's a rauber? Well, I should write it as Räuber really, since it's a German word. It means something like robber, or bandit. How did I come across this word? A song, Der Räuber und der Prinz, from Deutsch-Amerikanische Freundschaft. D.A.F. are a electropunk duo who were popular in the early 80s. I'll let Wikipedia explain things further (the "style" bit is very much worth reading in my opinion), all I'm going to say is that they're one of my favourite bands, I still listen to them regularly, and I've been lucky enough to see them live (twice!). They, together with Suicide and Kraftwerk (who I both love as well), have been quite influential to a lot of my favourite "modern" bands. It's pretty awesome to think that most of this music was written before I was born, and that I still enjoy it just as much (maybe even more so) than modern bands. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, my favourite period in music history is from 1977 to around 1984. It had the best pop, punk and electronic music, and D.A.F. is a good mix of those three genres.

Anyway, Der Räuber und der Prinz is one of my favourite songs of theirs. The story is a bit fairytale-like: a bunch of robbers attack a prince in a forest, but one of the robbers falls in love with the prince...and the prince falls in love with the robber. Romantic, isn't it? The song is actually a bit creepy, and the video even more so, but still. I love it. It's one of their most straight-forward "gay" songs (when it comes to the lyrics at least), though a lot of their songs have an aggressive (homo)erotic undertone. This one is actually rather slow compared to the rest of their work.

So that explains where I got the name from, but why did I use it for kinky purposes? I can't give a direct answer to that, that word just stuck with me I guess. I might have been listening to this song when I was trying to come up with an alias for my kinky adventures. And I guess I'm looking for my prince to fall in love with :D ...Yeah okay that was very sappy, I apologise.
Lately I've been getting tired of the name, and the direct meaning of it (I mean, I'm not a robber in any sense), but now that I made this post, I feel better about it!

About a boy

Two days after the session, I still have whip marks on my ass and back. And my left nipple got bruised pretty badly, it's going to take a week or two to get back to normal.
I have mixed feelings about this. I don't mind a heavy (or heavier than what I'm used to) session, as long as I know in advance it's going to be heavy. Since it's been two months since my last session, I was expecting a relatively soft session to start with. Master R gave me, perhaps for the very same reason, a rather heavy session. I guess it's my fault for not communicating clearly with him (it's one of my main personality flaws really - it's like I sometimes expect people to read my mind. Can be dangerous in a BDSM setting with people who don't know me well). I still enjoyed the session, and because of it I was in a very good mood the day after, but it doesn't always have to be this hard.

I was supposed to have another BDSM date today, which was made a few weeks ago, and I was a bit apprehensive about going to it while still recovering from my "battle wounds"... of course, the guy cancelled, which I was sort of expecting anyway. This morning I got a bunch of messages on recon, with the last one being an apology about cancelling our date. One of the previous messages read "are you fuckable? do you have a big dick?", which made me conclude he was really only looking for a sex date after all (with the bdsm just being a side dish). I wasn't, so I told him I'm not mad at him for having to cancel our date, but if he wants someone to fuck, he'll have to look elsewhere.

It's not all bad news! In the past couple of days, I've been talking to a dominant London guy. I'll call him Sir J from now on. He has a boyfriend (who is also his sub/boy) but he also plays with other guys. He's been telling me a lot about his relationship, and it's the sort of relationship I can see myself in as well. His boy isn't really his "slave", but there are several 24/7 elements in their relationship. The boy wears a padlocked chain around his neck pretty much all the time, for example, and Sir J decides when he needs a shave (facial and body hair). But what I like the most about their relationship is that it's clear Sir J really, really loves his boy, takes care of him, and protects him. It's incredibly romantic, I can only hope to ever be in a relationship like that. Yes, the boy gets beaten and fucked when his master wants to, but the boy gets a lot of cuddles and kisses as well, it's not like Sir J keeps him chained up in a basement all day and night. From what I read, it's really a good example of a healthy 24/7 kinky relationship.
In short, I'm actually quite jealous of them!

We talked a lot yesterday, and he started dominating me as well. Part fantasy (what would happen if I was there with him), and from today on, in real life as well. Last night he asked me to shave my pubes and chest. Haven't done that in...a year? But I did it today, for him. It feels (and looks) pretty weird. Yes I feel more like a "boy" now, but of course part of me is resisting this boy-ness. I'm too old, too ugly and too fat to be a boy, right?? But if other people don't care about that, why should I?
Sir J was pleased with the result, and later in our conversation called me a "good boy". In a previous blog entry I wrote about how this is a sort of trigger phrase for me, it instantly puts me in a submissive and very happy mood, and eager to please. This, and many other things we talked about, made it clear we're quite compatible when it comes to kinky things.

We've also been talking about meeting up, I can go to London for a few days in April. He has put my mind at ease about a few things (one example: he talked about going to a BDSM club with me, I told him I'm too shy for that, he was quite alright with that and told me I can watch and only join in when I really want to), so I hope the meetup will happen, I'm looking forward to it. Of course, the cynic in me says he'll get bored of me long before that. But who knows, this could actually be the beginning of a nice international kinky friendship!

Next entry: more talk about this blog, and my name explained.