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I haven't been updating a lot this month, partly because there's not much news, partly because I wanted to give my vanilla blog more attention (though I wish it would get more than one reader a week! But I do love writing).
I'll do some general blog talk another time, and I also want to write down and share some thoughts about my "identity", I'll do that next week.

I decided not to go to Darklands - mostly out of self-protection as I knew I would buy gear there even though I'm on a very limited budget. Instead, I bought my train ticket to London and will stay there for a few days. I feel less guilty spending money on that because it's for a good cause - meeting up with friends!

Joept, the evil person I'll be staying with again, has put me on a new regime. Until further notice, I'm only allowed to wank when I have something up my arse, like a plug or a dildo. "So what?", I hear some of you think. Thing is, I'm not a big fan of anal, but on the other hand, I do fantasise about being fucked. But I still have a straight boy attitude towards it sometimes, in a "dildos and anal play? that is so gay lol" kind of way.
Anyway, since I want to be a good boy for him, I obey. The first time, I was locked in chastity, and started with the aneros prostate massager (which I quite like - it's not gay, it's an, uhh, medical tool!) and watched some porn to get in the mood. Then I unlocked myself, and used my dildo. It actually took me quite a while to reach orgasm; the dildo was more a distraction than anything else. When I did cum, there was a bit more "milk" than usual I think, but I didn't really have a very strong orgasm or anything.

The second time (yesterday), I used the dildo right away. It was quite enjoyable for the first ten minutes or so, but after that it again became a distraction, and it took away from my orgasm in a way. I came very quickly though, so maybe I am getting more comfortable with it.

I still can't say I like it much, and I find the experience rather humiliating, especially lubing up the (vaguely) realistic cock-shaped dildo. It feels like masturbating a cock bigger and fatter than mine, knowing it will be up my arse soon :(

Of course in a way I love all this; following orders, being a good boy, and basically being humiliated by my own hand. But there is still a part of me that resists, and to be honest, I don't mind that part at all. Wouldn't it be horribly boring if I liked everything, and nothing would ever humiliate me? There wouldn't be anything left to stimulate me mentally. I'd rather feel this mix of anticipation and anxiety (and a little fear) at first, followed by a sense of relief, gratitude and yes, even a bit of pride, after completing a challenge like this successfully.

Actually, it's not unlike how I feel about all my London visits so far. I leave home with a lof of doubts and the fear of disappointing other people, but I always return home happy and grateful for having these moments with my friends. It's not any different this time; there are two guys who can't wait to turn my behind a nice shade of red, and I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I know that I'll feel good about everything afterwards.

I'll be on a family holiday from Friday to Monday evening, so I guess I'll sneak in a quick dildo-wank later this evening...

short update

A potentially fun month ahead! (at least, if I'm not lazy and stay inside the entire time)

I still haven't decided whether I should go to this Darklands thing this weekend or not. I had the idea of going two days and getting a hotel room in Antwerp, but in all likelyhood I would spend the evening/night alone anyway, and besides, I kind of spent the hotel money on other things (more about that in my next update. Maybe). But I still might go on Saturday, to see what it's like. And to support the Belgian kink scene I guess. It's great that they're doing something like this in Belgium, and it seems to attract an international crowd, hopefully enough people will show up so there can be another edition next year. Maybe then I'll be able to go with some friends, or meet up with some people, which should be more fun than going on my lonesome!

There's a good chance I'll go to London the second weekend of February. That weekend there's FetishBound, Boys & Sirs at the Hoist, and Collared. TSkin will be in London, so hopefully I can get tied up by him at FetishBound and get spanked at Boys & Sirs!! I can stay with Joept that weekend if I want to, but I think he has to work, which is a shame because he's never been to FetishBound and I really want to go to a club again with him. Oh well, it's still early in the year, hopefully it's the first of several London trips. Still need to make work of that Manchester trip as well...

Oh and some exciting news - I might be part of a professional kinky photo shoot, but it's still early days, and I don't want to talk about it too much or I might jinx it!! It would be very cool to have some great professional pictures to put on my recon profile and show off everywhere I can hehe. But we'll see what happens, if it goes through I'll tell you the full story and will definitely share the pictures here as well.

As a side note, Sports Direct has quickly become my favourite clothes shop. I bought quite a few things there last year (including a running kit and that awesome Marvel underwear), and this year I'll probably get even more. I found some great Lonsdale stuff, I picked up a nice polo (but sadly they didn't have this great white one in my size), and when I saw this jacket it was love at first sight:

I really, really like it. So it seems I'm getting more and more scallie/chav/skinhead gear hehe. But in this case, I just really like how the jacket looks, and it was really cheap as well, I just had to buy it.
And now that I wrote all that I think I'll go back tomorrow to pick up some more stuff hehe.