Looking back...

Around this time last year, I was walking in a quiet street in the greater London area, and knocked on the door of a house I've never been to. A man, whose face I recognised from pictures on the internet, let me in. He said he was happy I made it, told me that I'll be safe and I can stop any scene when I want to. Then when his boyfriend came out of the shower, he started fucking him right in front of me. Later, he made me strip, and inspected my body, the way a slave would be inspected when he's sold on the slave market. A chain was locked around my neck, I was prohibited to wear any clothes inside (other than a too-large jumpsuit), and got a beaten with a tawse.

And that was my first evening. I had 7 more to go.

What did I get myself into?

Well, looking back at it a year later, I would say something very special. Look, I'm not going to say it was all flawless and perfect and whatnot - it wasn't. My personality doesn't allow that hehe. But for the most part, it was great, even in that first week I learned a lot more about myself and what I like in the BDSM world than I did in my first year of "dating". I already wrote a few things about this, but some doms are enablers who allow the sub to grow at their own pace and from their inner strength, rather than forcing them in a certain direction. I was lucky to find someone like this. Oh of course I got beaten and humiliated, and got my limits stretched, but never so much as to make me feel uncomfortable.

As our friendship grew deeper, so did my submission to him. It became easier to ignore my (self-)doubts and fears (mostly thinking I'll be a disappointment to him), and just surrender to him, physically and mentally. Especially during my last two visits, I found it much easier to let go and submit, and at least from my part, that made our play and dynamic much more fun as well. For example, I love the slave protocols I'm subjected to, last time I was there I really loved drying him off as he came out of the shower and help him get dressed... it's not something that's extremely kinky or whatever, but it's immensely satisfying for me to serve him like that. Something like this wouldn't be fun for me if he wasn't my friend and Master.

My 5 (so far!) visits left me with a lot of memories; some good, some funny, some painful. The good thing (for interested readers) is that I shared quite a few of them on this blog! I won't link to any individual entries, but most of my April entries are about my first stay (scroll down until you see day 1 and then read your way up), and you can check out the London label as well.

I'll leave you with some pics of my behind from 4 different stays, in chronological order so you can see the "evolution":

(right after my caning on the last day of my April 2012 visit)

(a day after coming home from my visit in July 2012)

(after a caning, and right before going to Shrek the musical hahaha - February 2013)

(two beatings in one evening - first from TSkinboot at the club, then a hard caning from Sir when I got back - and yes it hurt! - March 2013)

So as you can see, it got gradually worse/better depending on your point of view!!
Oh, and  a bonus picture, as I know Sir likes this one a lot:

(yes that's his hand imprint!)

The reluctant fag

Since the 21st of January, I was under orders from Sir to have a dildo inside me every time I masturbated. This wasn't very easy for me; I'm not that much into anal, but as I wanted to be a good boy to him, I obeyed.  Of course it would be easy to have a "straight" wank and not tell him about it, but that's not how I do things. I was tempted at times, but my submission and loyalty to Sir is more important than a quick wank.
In general I had less wanks than I normally have - about one every three or four days. I was used to having lazy wanks while watching porn or whatever, but now I had to get out the dildo and the lube, and obviously clean everything I used afterwards - such a chore hehe.

Exactly two months later, on a Thursday morning, I told him I had a dildo wank but that I was still feeling horny and very submissive. "You need four more of those today" he replied. He even told me what I should fantasise about when having those wanks. I managed to do 3 more that day, and both my cock and arse felt violated. This was certainly a new record, with the wank from the night before I had 5 wanks in 24 hours - previous record was 3. Not sure if I can be proud of this record hehe. Next wank I had was about a week later - I was that burned out.

I was told I had to keep up my dildo-workout until Easter (this was Sir's idea of Lent for me!), so I was looking forward to having "free" and lazy wanks again. Well I had my celebratory free Easter wank, and another quick and easy wank the day after... but the day after that, I felt like having another dildo wank. I had a very nice fantasy, which involved me being humiliated and begging Sir to fuck me... it was really nice, and cumming was very satisfactory.

I told Sir about this, and he ordered me to write an entry about this. About how I was offered freedom, but not wanting that freedom. About how the best way for a boy to cum is with something up his arse. About how I enjoy anal play more than I'd like to admit. About how this experience has turned me into a faggot bitch :( How HE turned me into a faggot bitch.

This is rather humiliating for me to admit - I still have a straight side fighting all this - but ultimately that doesn't matter much, firstly because I was ordered to write about this, and secondly because it's the truth. Being a good boy (or trying to be!) those two things are very important. Oh, and thirdly, writing this made me hard, so it's not all that bad I suppose! :)

Sub drop and aftercare

Sub drop is, in my opinion, a very important topic, yet it seems like a lot of people are either unaware of it, or choose to ignore it. It's important to both sub and dom to realise when it happens and act accordingly, as a bad sub drop experience might lead to the sub withdrawing from the BDSM scene, or at the very least cause a rift between sub and dom.

But what is sub drop exactly? Sub drop is something that might happen after a usually intense BDSM scene. The sub might feel very emotional, confused, cranky, depressed, guilty... even angry at him/herself and the dom. This usually happens about a day after the BDSM experience. This can be explained rationally; during a session, the sub builds up a lot of adrenaline and endorphins, and gets in sort of hormonal high (which contributes to getting into "subspace"). After the session these slowly return to normal, but the difference between the high state and the normal state can feel quite big, which might result in an emotional imbalance.

That's the theory. In practice, the effects of sub drop can vary greatly depending on the person and the situation. I'll talk about some of my experiences later in this entry. But one of the reasons why I'm making this entry is to get this topic out in the open, and get people to write about their own experiences. Like I said, I think this is an important topic, especially for newcomers to the scene who might not realise this can happen. I'm not saying this happens or will happen to everyone, but there's no harm in being aware of it.

It's not an easy topic because it's highly subjective. The sub drop is different for everyone, and everyone will have different aftercare needs. This is why I won't give any advice on that, other than my usual "communicate with your dom!!!"
It also seems a lot of people feel better after some chocolate, a long hot bath/shower, and relaxing with a good book or movie. At the end of this entry I'll link to a few articles I found on this topic that have a lot more on aftercare.

As for my personal experiences, I would say I have experienced two different kinds of sub drop: the short drop and the long drop!! (that sounds a little morbid...)
The short drop was something that happened from time to time in my first year or so of doing BDSM sessions. While I always felt great right after a session, a day or so later I would get feelings of guilt and shame. These usually didn't last that long, although that really depended on the session and what exactly I did there, and who I did it with. There definitely were times when I thought about giving up sessions and BDSM in general... this mental sub drop fed my underlying feelings of not feeling worthy enough to have these experiences, and that I should just stay home.
I have to say that lately the sub drop from short sessions hasn't bothered me nearly as much as they used to. Again, it depends on what happened during the session, and my state of mind before, during and after the session. My last bad drop after a short session was late last summer, but in a way I brought that on myself because I wasn't really in the right mindset that day.

The long drops started with my London visits. I only start getting those sub drop feelings a few days after I return home, and they last longer as well. Coming home from my first visit, which lasted 8 days, I had a sub drop that lasted a couple of weeks. So that wasn't just a physical drop but a heavy mental one as well. There were some other factors at that time that probably contributed to feeling down a bit more than usual, but the main reason was definitely my London visit. I had a great time, really, and that's what made getting back to "reality" so difficult. At times I was struggling so much with it, I wondered if it really had been worth the trouble. And at my worst, I thought I would be better off by cutting my ties with my London friends.

Subsequent homecomings were less bad, probably because I knew what to expect, but it's always been something I had to fight. I'm not saying it has become easier, but now I know why it's happening, and know (more or less) how to make it less heavy. As you know, my latest visit was quite intense, especially emotionally, and I have experienced a much longer and intenser drop than usual. However, it's not nearly as negative as my first drop was.

I've come to realise that the one thing I need after a sub drop is attention. It's as simple as that really. Getting it is less simple of course, with my dom being in London and me being home. Ideally Sir would give me lots of hugs and physical contact, but that's impossible, and something that frustrates me greatly every time I come home. Online aftercare isn't the same, although Sir does his best, he tells me I'm a good boy, and sometimes gives me assignments and orders - all a form of positive attention I really need. It still desperately makes me crave physical contact with him, but it certainly is better than nothing!! Still, the feelings of isolation I sometimes get are pretty bad.
For me, BDSM is full sensory experience, not just sight and touch, but smell, taste and hearing as well. This makes it even more painful being apart from Sir; I can see (pictures of) him and hear him if I want to, but I can't touch, smell or taste him anymore. It makes me incredibly sad when I realise, a few days after I'm home, that I only have a very vague imprint in my mind of his smell and what he feels like, and after a week even that is completely gone. That is something very hard to deal with for me.

Also, I would say I not only feel very clingy to Sir, but also so submissive in a way it almost hurts that I'm not on the floor with his foot in my neck. A strong image like that gets stuck in my head and it's very hard to get it out! I want to please him so so bad, it's almost annoying!! The best thing I can do is distract myself with something completely unrelated but even that doesn't always work.
Another thing that flares up when I'm back home is my feeling of loyalty and devotion to Sir. One image I have related to this is of a dog that gets seperated from his owner, feeling a bit lost and confused without his pack leader... Someone else might take him in, but at least the first few weeks, he'll feel the need to go looking for his owner... and instead of dreaming about chasing cats, he dreams about his owner's voice calling to him... :) "come here boy...good boy...who wants a cuddle?" hehe. Something like that, yeah.

Anyway, something like this is very hard to put into words (at least for me), so I'll give you some links to a few other blog posts and articles:
http://subshelpingsubs.tripod.com/articles/subdrop.html I like this one especially because of that ACE thing at the end of the article. Good advice.
http://divingintobdsm.blogspot.com/p/sub-drop-and-aftercare-kits.html A more personal account but with a good description of what might happen during sub drop and how to deal with it.
http://brairthornblog.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/self-aftercare-taken-from-a-different-blog/ Very long and detailed, with a lot of tips related to aftercare.

I think that's all I have to say about it (for now at least). Feel free to comment, or, even better, if you have a blog, make a blog entry about it! It might be a very un-sexy topic to write about, but I think it's worth sharing  one's thoughts and experiences on this.

Pictures from session with CPHMaster

I described most of what happened in my last update (under "Sunday"). Like I said, I had a great time, the bondage was very comfortable, I stayed in it for about 2,5-3 hours, in different positions (standing, kneeling and lying down). And got a very unexpected "happy ending" hehe.
Last picture was taken after the spanking I took in Sir's stead!
Hopefully next time I'm in London we can meet up again. Would be interesting to get tied up with another boy...or with Sir :)

London March visit

Wednesday
Arrived in the evening, we had a little play and I got a (too long!) chain around my neck... and fish and chips, yay!!

Thursday
Sir had a slaveboy over that he shares with his big bro, but before he arrived he tattooed me!! Well, only two temporary tattoos, a "bitch" one above my arse, and a barcode on my back. Even though they were only temporary I thought this was very hot and I had trouble hiding my boner hehe.

When the slaveboy came over he got tattooed as well, and we were both put in chastity. We had some fun in the living room (which included me teasing the slaveboy by licking his cock through the bars of the cb2000) before we went to the bedroom.

(some fat ugly balding guy teasing the slaveboy :( though I love my "casual" position hehe)

The slaveboy was restrained and teased a bit more, until another guy joined us. For the next hour or so it was just a lot of sucking and fucking, which quite honestly bored me. Too vanilla! Heh. But really, it's not my thing, especially since I only just met the slaveboy and I didn't know the other guy at all. For me it's practically impossible to get pleasure from a scene like that.

We had some more kinky play after the guy left, slaveboy left after a while as well, and Sir and I went to the spankz evening (where slaveboy would meet us later). I had a good time, had some nice spankings, but my favourite part is when Sir pushed me against the wall and whispered some fantasies to me (about my skinhead boyfriend hehe!) It was very hot, very private "play" in a public setting. It was also fun watching slaveboy get spanked and exposed as a pervert hehe.

Friday
I didn't feel very well when I woke up, so all morning and a good chunk of the afternoon I was just lazying about in the sofa. I felt better after awhile and agreed to be mummified. I love being mummified, and Sir made me very horny by making me lick his feet (I don't know why but for me that's a HUGE turn on). He took a video of it as well, showing what a good footslave I am hahaha. I'll let you know when the video is uploaded :)

(his underwear was a gift from me hehe)

Anyway, after a while my arm started hurting, and I really had to pee (he should've put me in daipers as well hehe). This was just before the slaveboy arrived.
We had some fun with the slaveboy - he was mummified and teased, and I liked putting some deep heat on his balls, he was very sensitive too it,  maybe too sensitive, but as a slaveboy he just has to suffer through it, no? :)

In the evening the three of us went to Fetishbound. Met up with Sir's big bro, and I went looking for TSkin and his friends. I must say I didn't have a good evening as I was constantly torn between spending time with TSkin and staying with Sir. And watching other people play of course. At the end of the evening I was very annoyed with myself for not finding the right balance between this. I did have some play, and I helped Sir's big bro a little bit (fetching drinks etc.) and he tied me up eventually. It made me feel better and I was in the right headspace... but at some point TSkin came along and started paddling me. That surprised me and pulled me out of my headspace, so I told TSkin to stop it and go away (well, not in those words exactly, but with the same effect).
When the evening was over we had to say bye to the slaveboy - I enjoyed his company and hope I'll meet him again. Even if he always makes a fuss about being photographed and people finding out that he's a pervert haha.
I did have some good moments that evening but in the end I felt unsatisfied and guilty and angry at myself for chasing TSkin away. I had a hard time falling asleep that night thinking about all this...

Saturday
I was going to meet with TSkin and his friend Boundinf at Expectations (kinky shop), had to leave "early", well, not really, but still had no time to do my shower duties for Sir (kneeling on the bathroom floor when he showers, drying him off when he's done, helping him get dressed, etc. - slave duties really!)
Met up with them eventually - couldn't find the shop on my own so TSkin had to be my GPS. It was just supposed to be window shopping but I did see some nice things. I ended up buying two pieces of underwear on discount - a jock strap and leather underwear - paid £15 for the two!! We went to Regulation after that, was tempted to pick up a nice ball gag...maybe next time :)

After that we relaxed in their hotel room a bit. We had something to eat and then TSkin and I went to Collared. So I went to the same club 3 nights in a row for 3 different events! Anyway, I had a lot of fun there, it definitely made up for my "lesser" Fetishbound experience. TSkin gave me a paddling on the cross in the main room, which was nice (and hard!), funny thing about that is that the great DJ played "Smack my bitch up" (this is one of my favourite music videos btw) when that happened...funny because I still had the bitch tattoo visible hehe.
When TSkin was playing with someone else I watched some other people play. I was very impressed with this young skinhead and what must have been his boyfriend - very intense, hard play (well, from my point of view) but they definitely had a deeper connection as well. Watching them really made an impression on me - a positive one for sure.

Back "home", I had to show Sir my bruises and my new underwear... which lead to him giving me a hard caning :( And that made me release some suppressed emotions particularly related to the last two days. It surprised me a bit but it wasn't the first time this happened, so maybe I need something like this from time to time.

 (up: result of TSkin's paddling. down: after the caning!)

We had some horny play afterwards though... he kept teasing me, we watched some porn, and all I could do was hump the bed, or rub my dick through the bars of the cage...I must have looked a bit like a girl playing with her clit... I didn't care how humilitating it looked, I even asked him if I could do it some more. I thought I came close to cumming but all that came up were some drops of precum.
We went to bed really late...

Sunday
A little bit of play before Sir went to work...I was put in the irons and he used all these on me:

(the little middle one is called "skittles"...inside joke)

Result:

I really like the pic because for some reason I'm holding his foot haha. I do like touching my Sir when he's beaten me or had a relatively heavy submissive experience. Then again, I like touching him all the time!

Sir's big bro told him I could come over in the late afternoon... I had some vague plans but since this was supposed to be play holiday anyway, I went to see him... but not after visiting Expectations again to pick up some thumbcuffs hehe.
I was honestly a bit nervous about visiting him...after all he is Sir's big bro and I didn't want to disappoint him nor Sir. But he is a nice guy and I had a lot of fun. I stayed in the same bondage set-up for almost 3 hours I think (if I have permission I'll show some pics in a next update), got a nice spanking (suffering in Sir's stead! hehe), and most evil of all...I got to cum!! He took my dick out of the device and kept playing with it until I shot. Normally I'm pretty hard to get off, especially by someone else's hand, but I suppose I was just too horny and he was too good! I asked him to stop because I didn't have permission, and he very well knew that, but he still went on... evil!!! I came thinking about how Sir would call me a naughty, filthy boy and would surely punish me for this... Later I learned he talked to Sir and I was allowed to be played with hehe.  It was a nice orgasm, but I still felt a little guilty until I was told that. Earlier that day, we played a dice game and it was decided that I could only cum once I was on the Eurostar back home... so it was a bit weird for me to get an orgasm so "early" hehe. My last one was on Monday by the way.

Anyway, had a great time. Back "home", I did the dishes before Sir arrived, we had something to eat and watched a movie (Bridesmaids! Funny!) and went to bed - I was pretty tired for some reason.

Monday
Last day... woke up relatively early and snuck into Sir's bed to be close to him. When he was awake I was ordered to masturbated him, and later he allowed me to play with myself...and I came again as he was telling me a nice fantasy. Twice in 24 hours, I was such a naughty boy hehe.
Didn't have time for much else as Sir was already late for work - he still gave me a little caning... after that it was time for me to prepare to go home :(

That weekend there was also talk about having me "officially" collared (for most of my stay I wore the "training collar" Tskin gifted me hehe), that made a big impression on me and made me very, very emotional. He gave me the chain collar I wore during my first stay with him (which is his boyfriend's previous collar - now he's wearing a newer one but the same model) to take home with me. I considered leaving it as it was too much for me. In the end I took it anyway, but still feel like it's too much honour for me, and that I'm not ready to be part of his family. It's something to think about for my next stay... and what happens, happens I guess.

So, it was a very emotional visit, but also with a lot of fun and good memories. Also, despite how "bad" the pictures above look, I think I'm actually less bruised now than I was after my last visit!