doubt: the sequel

I've been wanting to do a follow-up on the 'doubt' entry from the moment I published it, I had the feeling I didn't really explain certain things the way I wanted to, and obviously, some of my feelings have changed since then.
I wasn't really motivated to do one recently, especially since I've been spending far less of my spare time on kinky things, but two days ago I got a comment from dave94 with two questions, questions I'd like to answer in an entry like this instead of just replying with a comment. They're interesting questions to think about, but rather hard to answer! I love the questions though, and if anyone else wants to ask me something, feel free to comment or ask on my formspring.

Do you have conflicted feelings about your interest in bdsm because of the limited relationship with master R or because of how you need to hide your interest from others?
That's hard to say.  Master R showed me that I, when I'm in the right moodset, do enjoy bdsm greatly, and more importantly, he gave me more (sexual) self-confidence. At the time I wrote the 'doubt' entry I did want our relationship to be less limited, but right now I think anything more isn't necessary. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything more with anyone really. I would imagine some of these doubts and conflicting feelings to go away when I have a steady relationship, but never completely.
Having to hide my interest in bdsm annoys me at times, but I'm actually not sure if it's one of the reasons for my conflicted feelings. It's definitely not the main reason; it's frustrating for me, but having this blog, and people I can talk to both online and in real life, is a good way to not get depressed or overly annoyed with it.

If you lived in a community that supported sex-positive attitudes, would your conflicted feelings be less?
Very interesting question. But it's still a "what if?" question, and I honestly have no idea. Less conflicted feelings? Very possibly. No conflicted feelings? I don't think so. Even if you leave out my education (which was generally sex-negative), my overly self-critical and analytical personality would never allow me to have a doubt-free sex/bdsm life. Guilt-free, maybe, but doubt-free, I don't think so. Less conflicted, possibly. Like I already said, I'm thinking (or rather hoping) some of these doubts will go away once I find a partner who is into the same things as I am.

I think many of my conflicting feelings stem from my own personality and way of thinking, rather than an outside influence. Obviously there is an outside influence, but other people can handle that just fine, so it's mostly 'internal' issues I have to deal with myself. Sometimes I just need to tell myself to "get over it and move on", instead of endlessly analysing it.

I have to say a lot of my doubts and fears around the time of that entry came from reading too many blogs and talking to too many people in a very short amount of time. Yes, it's good to be informed and know about the possibilties, but at that time I was a bit overwhelmed. I had to remind myself that this is MY journey, and not let myself be too influenced by people. Ultimately it's about me, not about them, as selfish as that might sound.

And one of those people has been, and still is in a way, Master R. He has repeatedly stated he doesn't believe in bisexuality. When I was dating his slave/protegé, he sent me a message saying "I'm happy you finally accepted you're gay." That actually fueled my never-ending sexual identity crisis. I consider myself bi, but there I was, sleeping with a guy, really enjoying sex with him, connecting with him on a physical and emotional level. I must be gay, right? But then, why did I still "notice" girls the same way I did before? That made me doubt any and every sexual feeling I ever had.

I've been struggling with my bisexual feelings ever since I noticed I can look at guys the same way I can look at girls, which was when I was 19 or 20. I know there's no need to label myself as anything, but I'm a simple guy and I like to keep things simple. It would be much easier if I could label myself as gay or straight, but that would be a lie. 

I used to describe myself as "bi-asexual" to some friends, and I still think it's a not completely untrue description. Compared to most people I know, I'm far less into sex and dating and porn and whatever, but at the same time, I can get (emotionally and physically) attracted to members of both genders. But my interest in BDSM overshadows all of this, BDSM is basically my main sexuality, everything else is secondary.

And I think that's enough for this entry. Next entry will be less emo, I promise. 

after the session

A bit more on the previous session, and especially what happened after the session. I started writing this right after the session, but I've been having trouble finding the right words (and I got distracted), but I want to finish this before moving on to other stuff.

Like I said, I didn't cum this time, and when Master R untied me, we just stood there awkwardly hugging each other, him kissing me at times. I knew what he wanted; he was half-naked with his dick hanging out. I was playing dumb for some time, but ultimately decided to jerk him off. He lay back on the bed, eyes closed, and I made him cum. Yeah.

Something about that was just..."off" to me. I think it was a mistake to do this. I can't say I enjoyed it, which is weird because I usually quite like pleasuring other people. Don't know what it is, was I still too much wrapped up in my own "subspace", or was I just not in the mood for that kind of stuff?

Later, he made a comment about me not cumming during the session, and I blurted out "I'm here to get punished, not to cum". I might've well added "and not to make you cum", although that would've been a bit harsh. I've always been very clear that it's all about bdsm for me, and anything sexual is just an aside that isn't necessary for me. It can be nice of course, but this wasn't really nice for me. The best way I can describe it was that it felt like work. And that I had to do it as "payment" for a good session.
I actually haven't heard of him much in the past week, maybe he also realises something was off about the previous session. Nothing "wrong", but something different.

So has this changed my relationship with Master R? For now, I would say yes. It's not like I'll never go back to him, but there were already some things that were starting to annoy me. I really don't want to badmouth him, but he has a sort of narrow way of looking at bdsm and sexuality. For example, he doesn't believe in bisexuality at all, and thinks bdsm should always be "just a game". I feel like I'm more open-minded than him, and I know I can't talk about certain things with him because he has his own way of thinking that is pretty much opposite to mine. This doesn't matter when we're having a session, and I still consider him a friend, but nothing more.

In a way though, this has been a good thing. My mind's a lot clearer now when it comes to my relationship with him.

links

Ignore all the drama in my last entry, I just needed to get some things out of my system, I feel better now. I'll write about certain things related to that post at a later point, for now I have to recommend this blog post by Rook, it's related to some of the things I wrote. But in this entry I want to share some more links.

First of all, I really recommend this blog: http://chastityjournalonbeingcaged.blogspot.com/. 'Goodguy' locked himself in a cb6000 and went without orgasm for 2 months, just by his own willpower alone. It's something I could never do, so I have a lot of respect for him. It's been really interesting reading about his journey, if you're new to his blog you should go back a few pages and start at the beginning of his lock up period and work your way up from there.

Last week, Bondissimo cruised me on recon! If you don't know who he is; he's a bondage master in the north of France. I've been aware of him for quite a while now, but I can't remember where I first saw his work. Was it xtube? Anyway, from what I've seen, he'd make a very good master for me. You can watch some of his videos here. I recommend scrolling down the page, and work your way up. I found the first 2 Olaf videos really good, especially the second one. The most recent Olaf one (baseball jacket 2) is great as well. At one point, the master sprays some water on the sub. "Olaf" obviously doesn't like it, tries to protest and pull away, realises he can't, complains/moans into his gag. His reaction afterwards is gold. It's like he realises he's been deeply humiliated, but that there's nothing he can do about it. He realises he's his master's toy, and, despite his complaints, he actually likes it this way. That part actually turned me on both as a sub and as a dom. As a sub, I've had that feeling, and it's SO good. If that mixture of humiliation, helplessness and horniness is -just- right, it's the best feeling ever. And as a dom, it must be incredibly satisfying to see your sub react that way, moaning in his gag from both humiliation and pleasure. You know you're doing something right when that happens.
And who knows, in a couple of months, you might see a video of me on his site. How weird (but awesome) would that be?

I haven't spent a lot of time on xtube recently, but I re-discovered NetterSadist's account. He's always been one of my favourite masters on xtube, and his recent videos are just too good. His slave Hardlove82 doesn't only have a great body, he makes for an awesome sub. I haven't seen all his videos, but the latest one ("slaves every day life 5) is so much fun to watch. Hardlove is a sort of "loud" slave, but I just love hearing him moan during the nipple play early in the session. NetterSadist is teasing him verbally as well, saying things like "you're enjoying this aren't you", and then later "I'm going to have to put some nipple clamps on them now" (which causes him to moan even louder). At the end of the video, NetterSadist is tickling his slave. First, he's trying to pull away and moans a lot, but the master orders his slave to keep his foot in a certain position, and being a good slave, he obeys. It's really nice to see, and again, I think this is more appealing my dom side than my sub side. It must be so much fun to play with a boy like that.

That's it for now.

doubt

I need to write down some thoughts that might not be very positive...

That talk Master R and I had after the session triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions. He's not interested in 'owning' me any more than he is now, our sessions will always be just sessions. From this and other things he said, it's clear I will have to leave him behind at some point on my bdsm-journey. This is already hurting me because - and this will sound very silly and naive - I think I'm a little bit in love with him. I just want to spend more time with him, and not even in a master-slave setting, just as 2 human beings. I hate feeling like this because I know it will never happen. Maybe it's just my loneliness talking, maybe it's just something I need to get out of my system.